


One More Tomorrow - revised version.

by Aquariuskitty19



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Broken!Jensen, Infidelity, M/M, Mean Sherri Padalecki, Mean/Abusive Jared Padalecki, WIP, bottom!Jensen, dub-con, hurt!Jensen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-16 04:30:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 47,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2255958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aquariuskitty19/pseuds/Aquariuskitty19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay...this is the second version of the same story, just with a couple of edits.  </p><p>Let me explain...I'm saltandburnboys and this is my friend, aquariuskitty19's, story from a couple of years ago that she realised she didn't have time to finish.  At time, she said she'd quite like someone to finish it - and a few people on LJ wanted an ending to it too - so I've decided to finish it for her, since I beta-d the last few chapters originally so know the story pretty well.  I asked if I could post it here for everyone to read, COZ IT'S SO GOOD (I'm sure you'll agree), and if I could just tidy up the typos/grammatical errors/OOC moments in the first part.  She said yes. :-)</p><p>So, to qualify, this is NOT my story, but I have permission to post it and make the edits I feel are necessary.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay...this is the second version of the same story, just with a couple of edits. 
> 
> Let me explain...I'm saltandburnboys and this is my friend, aquariuskitty19's, story from a couple of years ago that she realised she didn't have time to finish. At time, she said she'd quite like someone to finish it - and a few people on LJ wanted an ending to it too - so I've decided to finish it for her, since I beta-d the last few chapters originally so know the story pretty well. I asked if I could post it here for everyone to read, COZ IT'S SO GOOD (I'm sure you'll agree), and if I could just tidy up the typos/grammatical errors/OOC moments in the first part. She said yes. :-)
> 
> So, to qualify, this is NOT my story, but I have permission to post it and make the edits I feel are necessary.

being edited


	2. Chapter Two.

  
_Deliver me into my fate  
  
If I’m alone I cannot hate  
  
I don’t deserve to have you  
  
Ooh, my smile was taken long ago  
  
If I can change I hope I never know – Slipknot ‘Snuff’_   
  
Chad Murray only had one rule in life - if you don’t want to do it, then don’t do it.   
  
His parents used to joke that, when he was born, he was already bossing people around. Some people might call him spoilt, but all he does is live his life like there’s no tomorrow. In his opinion, you only lived once and he didn’t want to have any regrets…and yet he still had some. He tried everything to get rid of them – he’d apologized, he’d bought gifts, he’d visited - but every time Jensen gives him that smile, like none of this is Chad’s fault, his regrets weigh even heavier on his shoulders. Soon, he’s pretty sure he’s going to have to buy a bigger house so his regrets can have their own room.   
  
He’s never really understood Jensen Ackles. Back then, Jensen was always just Jared’s other half and that was that. He hadn’t made the effort to get to know him, barely spending any time with him unless Jared was there as well. He can easily admit that he’d been jealous of the time Jensen got to spend with Jared because, before Jensen, it had always been just Jared and Chad. Not in a romantic love affair way but as best friends who had each other’s backs, no matter what. Jared would’ve been the one he’d have called if he’d needed help getting rid of a body.   
  
  
Not anymore though.   
  
In fact, he hasn’t heard from Jared in nearly three years.   
  
Chad isn’t the type of person to live in the past, but, nowadays, it’s seems like he can’t escape it. He wonders if it had been his stupid jealousy that prevented him from doing the right thing. Chad’s sure a lot of people would call him a coward, but that’s one thing he isn’t. He just hadn’t cared enough about Jensen back then, and he honestly hadn’t thought Jared had one cruel bone in his body. For Christ sake’s, the guy used to feel guilty about watching porn and eating skittles for breakfast. How could that same guy end up hurting someone like Jensen? Chad doubts he will ever know.   
  
Jared had been Chad’s best friend ever since he’d given him his chocolate milk after some bastard had stolen Chad’s. No one could blame him for crying about it – he’d only been a kid, and not having chocolate milk had seemed like the end of the world.   
  
Soon, there hadn’t been a Chad without a Jared.   
  
Jared had been different from other people. Most people had laughed at him whenever he did something stupid but Jared just laughed _with_ him, and, to Chad, that had meant everything. When it had been time to meet the rest of the Padalecki clan, he wasn’t nervous because, really, how bad could the family be if they have someone like Jared in it.   
  
When he had finally met them, Chad had gotten the shock of his life. They’d been nothing like Jared. They’d spent the whole evening sitting around a huge dining table dressed in fancy suits, not saying a word. He’d never felt so uncomfortable in his life, sitting there in his baggy jeans and t-shirt. He’d always pictured Jared and his family sitting around the TV with dinner trays, chatting away. He had tried to start a conversation with Jared’s younger sister, Megan, and had even made her laugh, until Jared’s mother had shot them both a disapproving look. Out of the whole family, he’d thought the mother was the worse; she’d looked at him like he was beneath her. She hadn’t even tried to be nice to him. He’d known the Padaleckis ran their own law firm, and he’d always wondered whether Jared would end up being one of those uptight pricks.   
  
He’d never received another dinner invitation after that.   
  
He’d never thought that one laugh could turn his life upside down.   
  
It’s because of that meal that he knows why Jared ended up being whom he’d become. It’s because his parent’s attention was never on Jared or his baby sister, but always on their older brother, Jeff. Jeff had been expected to take over from their father when he retired, so Jared and Megan had gotten to do whatever they wanted. He’d had mixed feelings about that. Some part of him had felt bad for Jeff, back then, and another part had felt grateful that those expectations had been thrust on him instead of Jared.  
  
Jared had always had a thing for animals and he’d been hoping to become a vet one day. But some part of Chad had known that day at dinner that Jared would never escape his parents. The whole time he’d sat there in silence eating some fancy lobster meal, he’d noticed the cold, calculating look Jared’s mother had about her. She’d probably been the only one who’d known back then how pointless it had been for Jared to dream about his future because she’d already planned it out for him. It hadn’t been until Jared proposed to Jensen that Jared’s mother had finally set her plans in motion. Some part of Chad still wonders if she’d maybe paid Jeff to disappear.   
  
He’d known after that day in the café, when he’d spotted his friend staring at some random dude laughing, that things were going to change. He’d never had a problem with Jared liking men, and even Chad can appreciate the beauty of Jensen Ackles. It’s just that if Jared had never met Jensen, then maybe Jared would’ve been happy. It’s horrible to even think that, but he can’t help but wonder whether these two people might’ve been better off never meeting. Yet Jared was his happiest when he had Jensen by his side.   
  
They’d been together for nearly seven years before Jared had finally got up the courage to pop the big question. Chad remembers Jared dragging him to nearly every damn jewellery store in town. It had taken him nearly two fucking hours to find the ‘perfect’ ring; Jared had never settled for second best when it came to Jensen. Of course, when Jared asked, Jensen had said yes and Chad would love to be able to say they’d lived happily ever after, but, unfortunately, that only happens in fairy tales.   
  
Things had started to change the moment they’d heard Jeff had taken a leaf out of Chad’s book and decided to do a runner. Chad still kind of hated him for that.   
  
Jared hadn’t been able to say no when his parents had started grooming him to take over from his father, and, with Jensen backing him all the way, Jared hadn’t had a reason to. Chad knows Jensen had only wanted Jared to be happy, that he’d have stayed with him no matter what job he’d taken. He also knows that had Jensen made Jared choose between him and the job, then Jared would’ve chosen Jensen without a second thought. But Jensen had been too good a person for that…still was.   
  
Things had only got worse from there.   
  
Chad had first noticed the changes in Jared on a night out with some of his friend’s stuck up work buddies. Out of the blue, Jared had dropped in a joke about the t-shirt Jensen was wearing. What was strange was that Jared _loved_ He-Man. Hell, Chad remembers Jensen buying Jared a Power Rangers shirt one Christmas that Jared had refused to take off the whole holiday; Jensen had actually had to wash the damn thing while Jared was sleeping.  
  
But Chad had been forced to sit there listening while those bastards laughed about how childish it was. He’d never wanted to hit someone so much as he had that night. Jensen had tried to laugh it off, of course, but Chad had seen how every dig had taken something out of him. Jensen had stopped wearing his funny t-shirts after that.   
  
Then the bruises had come.   
  
It had been during a late night poker game at Chris’ flat that he’d first seen them. Chris, Steve, Jensen and him had all been sat round the table, holding their cards and laughing at some stupid story Chris was telling. Before that night, it had always been the five of them, but Chad had tried not to think too much about that.   
  
He remembers asking for the time and Jensen rolling his shirt sleeve back to look at his watch. That was when he’d spotted them. Seeing those bruises on Jensen’s wrist had done something funny to his stomach. He hadn’t known what that feeling was then, but now he knows it was dread. But Chad had been stupid all those years ago, and had just sat there wondering whether Jared had gone all cave man on the guy that had hurt Jensen. Deep down, he’d known; he just hadn’t wanted to see it. He’d been desperate to hold onto the Jared who’d given him his chocolate milk. He just hadn’t been ready to let go of that Jared yet.   
  
After that, Chad had started to notice stuff like that even when he hadn’t wanted to. He’d seen the way Jared would flirt with any pretty girl, not bothering to be subtle about it, even when Jensen had been sitting right there. He remembers laughing about it at the time because the idea of Jared being with anyone other than Jensen had just been hilarious. Jared was gay, for fuck’s sake. Chad had thought Jared was just being friendly and he’d told Jensen that. Jensen had just given him a sad smile in response, though, like he’d known Chad was lying, and that had made Chad want to go over there and rip Jared away from that blonde bitch.   
  
He never had.   
  
The first time Chad found out that Jared had actually _slept_ with a woman, the image he’d been trying so hard to hold on to finally shattered. He hadn’t held back one bit when he’d finally punched Jared. Of course, he’d never expected Jared to hit him back, and that had hurt more than the punch.   
  
Sometimes, he just sits in silence, thinking about all the signs he’d seen back then, and his mind paints a very ugly picture of Jared.   
  
But Chad’s not blameless; he knows that. He’d just stood by watching from the side lines as Jensen had gotten skinnier, paler, quieter, until Jensen hadn’t been Jensen anymore. He wonders why Steve and Chris had never done anything either.   
  
He thinks he should’ve carried Jensen out of there kicking and screaming. Jensen probably would’ve hated him for it, but Chad could’ve lived with that.   
  
He hadn’t done anything though. He’d been selfish. He’d wanted to hold onto that goofy, loveable, kind Jared. He’d wanted Jared to burp the alphabet again and make stupid jokes.   
  
But, one evening had finally, _irrevocably_ , torn that Jared away from him.   
  
  
_Chad could not believe his eyes when they landed on the state of Jared and Jensen’s living room. There was glass on the floor from the table that had been broken, but that wasn’t what made him sick to his stomach._   
  
  
_There was blood everywhere._   
  
  
_He’d never seen so much blood before. There were red stains all over the wooden floor, on the cream coloured sofa, on the lamp next to it…there was even some on the wooden cabinet. It looked like someone had hit their head on the corner of it. He shoved down his panic and went to look for Jared._   
  
_He stepped into the hallway and called out for him, but he didn’t get an answer. He started checking rooms but he didn’t have much luck. They were probably at the hospital, but just as he went to pull out his cell phone to call Jay, he heard typing. Confused, he followed it, and, when he pushed open the office door, he froze._  
  
  
 _Jared was sat at his laptop clicking away._   
  
  
_What the fuck?_   
  
  
_He stepped into the room but Jared didn’t even look up._   
  
  
_“Are you hurt?” From what he could see, Jared seemed perfectly fine; there wasn’t a speck of blood on him._   
  
  
_“No.”_  
  
 _That left Jensen._   
  
  
_“Whose blood is that, Jay?”_   
  
  
_Jared just kept typing away._   
  
  
_“It’s Jensen’s.”  
  
Chad’s hand flew up to clutch the door frame to keep himself from punching the living crap out of Jared. If Jensen was hurt then Jared should been at the hospital with him, not fucking here, working. _   
  
  
_“What happened?”_   
  
  
_That finally got Jared’s attention and he looked up at Chad. Chad didn’t like what he saw. There wasn’t a single emotion on Jared’s face. No concern, no sadness, no guilt. Nothing._   
  
  
_“How is that any of your business?” His voice held nothing either. He actually sounded a little like he thought Chad was wasting his time._   
  
  
_“I’m your best friend, Jay.” Chad pointed out, but still Jared’s face remained blank._   
  
  
_“We just had a bit of a disagreement and he fell into the glass table.”_   
  
  
_Chad frowned; something still didn’t add up here. The living room had looked like a goddamn war zone, and there had obviously been a struggle. Plus, there was an awful lot of blood on the cabinet. It must’ve taken a good deal of force for Jensen to break the table and then get back up and hit his head on the cabinet. If he’d tripped, he would’ve just fallen into the table, so there must’ve been an extra push to send him into flying into the cabinet. He could understand Jensen hitting the table, but he couldn’t have reached the cabinet unless someone had shoved him? That thought made Chad’s whole body turn cold._   
  
  
_“You pushed him.” It wasn’t a question; Chad already knew the answer._   
  
  
_“For god’s sake, Chad, stop being so overdramatic.”_   
  
  
_“Overdramatic? Your fucking living room looks like a set from a horror movie.”_   
  
  
_“It isn’t that bad.” And, with that, Jared turned back to his laptop and started typing again. Chad decided it was time to stop screwing around. He was scared to ask, but he needed to know._   
  
  
_“Did he hit his head?” he whispered.  
  
Jared didn’t bother to answer; he just nodded. _   
  
  
_“You let him fucking drive when he might have a concussion?” He didn't even bother to try and hide how angry he was, because, right then, he just wanted to tear Jared apart._   
  
  
_“Don’t worry, I’m sure the wonderful Christian Kane has come to the rescue by now, with his trusty sidekick.” Jared spat Chris’ name like it was poison, and that only served to piss Chad off even more. Chris shouldn’t have been the one to take Jensen to the hospital to check out his injuries; it should’ve been Jared. Jensen was his fucking fiancé and Jared was just sat here working. Who the hell does that? Especially if those injuries had been caused by Jared. Just thinking about it made him sick._   
  
  
_"When did you become this cruel, Jared?"_   
  
  
_He never got an answer; the only sound in the room was the click of keys on Jared’s laptop. So that was it then. Chad turned to make his way out the door, but came to an abrupt halt when he spotted a bloody hand print on the hallway wall. He closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing. The thought of Jensen struggling to the bedroom to grab his car keys so he could drive to Chris’ for help was too painful to think about._   
  
  
_“I’d never hurt another human being on purpose, especially not one I’m supposed to love.” He turned back to Jared and Chad didn’t try to hide the tears running down his face - tears for Jensen, tears for himself and, most of all, tears for Jared. “Ever since I met your family, I knew you’d spend your life walking the fine line between right and wrong, but I always thought Jen would be the one to keep you from stepping over it...” he trailed off as he looked at the bloody print again. “You crossed that line tonight, Jared, and there’s no coming back from it.” And then he walked out the door and never looked back._   
  
He’d never spoken to Jared again after that. He doubts Jared was bothered by it…hell, if he was on fire, he doubts Jared would even spit on him. Not that he’d do the same for Jared either.   
  
Chad didn’t have the guts to go and see Jensen that night. He’d sent a quick text to Chris but he’d never gotten a reply. It wasn’t until a few days later that he’d received a message from Steve saying that Jensen was okay. Jensen had been anything but okay.   
  
It hadn’t been until a year later, when his girlfriend Sophia told him she was pregnant, that Chad had finally understood what he had to do.   
  
He’d known he wouldn’t be able to even look at his child while he still felt all this guilt and regret, so he’d made the decision to finally go and see Jensen again.   
  
It had actually taken him a while to find Jensen’s location, but he guessed both Steve and Chris liked it that way. He’d known that Jensen hadn’t gone back to the flat after that night, and he’d also known that Jared never tried to get him back. Jared had even gotten married to some brunette last month; it had been all over the papers, and Chad hadn’t been shocked.   
  
When he finally took the time to visit Jensen, he’d driven to a beach house in the middle of nowhere. The place was actually a bit of a dump but it seemed to work for them. He hadn’t known what to expect when it came to Jensen, but once again Jensen had surprised him.   
  
He remembers sitting on a very uncomfortable couch, spilling his guts to Jensen while Chris stood as guard dog in the background. He remembers Jensen hardly speaking, hardly even breathing; he remembers trying so hard to ignore the fresh scar on Jensen’s forehead; he remembers Steve dropping a cup in the kitchen; he remembers Jensen’s shaking as it smashed. He’d never known anyone could break a person so thoroughly before that moment, but Jared had always had a way of doing what no one else could.   
  
After that trip, Chad had made sure to drive up there every other weekend. He’d watched Jensen slowly start to become more human again. He, honestly, hadn’t been able to wipe the huge grin off his face for a whole week after he’d seen Jensen sitting there in a My Little Pony t-shirt. In some strange way, that had been one of the happiest days of his life.   
  
Before all that happened, he hadn’t been close to Jensen at all, but now, in some fucked up way, the loss of Jared has brought them together. In truth, Chad doesn’t have that many friends and, after losing Jared, he did get lonely, but Jensen and his friends have finally filled that gap. It might not be the healthiest relationship, but Jensen can understand the pain of letting go. It’s messed up that a part of Chad thinks of Jared like he’s dead, but, in some ways, he kind of is. So, he and Jensen mourn that loss together.   
  
On February 6th, Lilly Murray had been born and Chad had felt like he’d finally done something right. She was perfect – well, she’d kind of looked like a monkey shaped walnut at the time, but, to Chad, she’d still been perfect.   
  
It hadn’t come as a surprise when Sophia had told him she wanted Jensen to be Lilly’s godfather. He hadn’t been able to think of a better person than Jensen. He’d known, even then, that when he finally got up the guts to ask Sophia to marry him, Jensen would be the one standing by his side.   
  
Chad could say he finds it funny how things turned out but he doesn’t have it in him to laugh about it.   
  
Some days, Sophia will leave the newspaper on the kitchen table.   
  
She never reads it.   
  
The first few times, he’d just thrown it in the bin but, after a while, he’d given in. He always flicks through the business section and sometimes there’s nothing, but other times there’s a whole article about Jared.   
  
He wonders if Jensen ever looks at it.   
  
Chad’s on the sofa, flicking though the TV channels, when he hears a knock at the door. Sophia looks up from feeding Lilly and gives him a confused frown. He imagines he has the same look on his face. They aren’t expecting company, and who’d come knocking uninvited on a Sunday evening anyway?   
  
When he finally answers the door, the person standing in front of him is the person he least expected it to be. For a second, he is tempted to close the door again but he decides to stand his ground instead.   
  
“Murray.” Wow, on second name basis now.   
  
After three years of not seeing him, Chad had thought he’d feel so much but, looking at Jared now, he doesn’t feel a damn thing but pissed.   
  
“What can I do for you, Mr. Padalecki?” He sees Sophia picking up Lilly and going to the bedroom out of the corner of his eye. It’s obvious Jared saw it as well.   
  
“You have a kid?”   
  
Chad looks down at Jared’s wedding ring and raises an eyebrow.   
  
“You have a wife.”   
  
“What is it called?” Chad seriously wants to laugh to that. Had Jared just call his Lilly an ‘It’? He’s sorely tempted to really close the door now, but Jared, the bastard, has stuck his foot in the way.   
  
“Look, just say what you want to say and leave.”   
  
“I’m just trying to make conversation.” For a second, it actually sounds a little like Jared’s begging but that’s ridiculous. This Jared doesn’t beg.   
  
“You're a few years too late.”   
  
“Murray...”   
  
Chad quickly interrupts him because he can’t stand Jared acting like this is some fucking board meeting and Chad is one of his clients, “My name is Chad.” He takes great pleasure in the way that makes Jared clench his fists. “Now what do you want, Jared?”   
  
“I need Jensen’s address.”   
  
Now Chad does laugh. “You’re shitting me, right?”   
  
“I know you know where he is.”   
  
“And you think I’d tell you?” He’s slammed up against the door before he even finishes speaking, with Jared’s elbow pressing into his throat. And, while he’s scared, terrified, of what Jared will do to him, this is enough to ensure that he’ll never tell Jared where Jensen is.   
  
“Where the fuck is he?” Jared hisses in his face.   
  
“Get the hell out of my apartment.”   
  
The elbow presses harder against his throat.   
  
“I’m not messing around here so fucking spit it out.”   
  
In a weird way, it’s sort of refreshing to see Jared lose his cool like this. Chad’s so used to Jared’s indifference that seeing him so pissed makes him want to smile…then go see a therapist.   
  
Before he can answer, Sophia’s voice cuts in.   
  
“You get off him right now or I won’t think twice about calling the police.”   
  
Jared looks at him for a few more seconds, then backs away. He straightens his tie and smoothes his hair back into place; he doesn’t spare Chad a single glance as he does it.   
  
Chad coughs a little and shakes his head to clear it, before opening the front door and gesturing for Jared to leave. Jared looks like he’s debating whether he’s going to go or not, but, thankfully, he finally nods at them and leaves.   
  
After the door is shut, Chad slowly slides down it.   
  
“You okay?” Chad looks up to see Sophia kneeling in front of him. Every single day, he wonders how he got so lucky to have her. He slowly pulls her close and just holds her.   
  
He has so many questions floating around in his head, but he shoves all them away because he has a bigger decision to make.   
  
Should he tell Jensen?   
  
He really doesn’t know what to do. Jared obviously wants Jensen for a reason, but for what reason? Maybe Jared won’t be able to find him and warning Jensen will just make him panic. Jensen’s being doing so well lately; he doesn’t need this crap now…or ever.   
  
After sitting there for a few minutes, they hear Lilly start to cry, so Sophia gives him a quick kiss and leaves the room.   
  
He bangs his head against the door and lets his eyes fall closed.   
  
But in the end, he knows what he has to do, and he reaches into the pocket of his pants to pull out his mobile. He presses speed dial and waits for an answer; it only rings twice before he hears the voice on the end.   
  
“Hello?”    
      



	3. Chapter Three.

_ Darling heart, I loved you from the start,   
_ _But you'll never know what a fool I've been,  
Darling heart, I loved you from the start,  
But that's no excuse for the state I'm in – Florence And The Machines ‘Hardest Of Hearts’_   
  
“Sir?  Mr. Ackles?”   
  
Jensen looks up from the papers he’s marking, or more accurately, the _paper_ he’s been making for the last half an hour.  For some reason, he just can’t seem to get his brain in gear today. The voice belongs to one of his students; she’s standing in front of his desk with a book under her arm. He knows that book very well.   
  
“Sorry about that, Becky. What can I do for you?”   
  
He’s also familiar with the look that she’s aiming at him. He has to put up with it every single day from Chris, Steve and Chad and, sometimes, even Sophia. Yeah, he’s acquainted with it very well.   
  
“I just wanted to say thank you for telling me about this book; it was amazing and really helped.”   
  
“Oh, well, that’s good then. Glad I could help.” He gives her a nod, hoping she’ll take the hint and leave him alone. He’s not actually one of those teachers – the ones who that dislike their job and curse all their students, but today his heart’s just not in it. He just wants to be left alone. Becky seems to notice this as she moves away and starts towards the door, so Jensen turns his attention back to his student’s paper and starts re-reading.  He doesn’t get far, however, before the same voice interrupts again.   
  
“I know it’s none of my business but are you okay, Mr. Ackles?” He doesn’t know whether to cry or laugh that a damn sixteen year old can see right through his act. He wonders for a second what her face would look like if he told her all his thoughts and darkest secrets; he’s pretty sure she’d run from the room screaming.    
  
“I’m fine, Becky.” He tries for a smile, but it’s like moving a brick wall, his whole face heavy and uncooperative. She stares at him for a few seconds, then seems to come to a decision.   
  
“I hope I won’t get in trouble for saying this, but some days it seems like you’re not really here.” It doesn’t surprise him that Becky’s noticed that; she’s one of his smartest students he’s ever taught. In some ways, she reminds him of himself when he was younger. She really seems to want to learn.    
  
She’d come to ask him if his first name was Jensen after she’d spotted one of his photographs hanging in an art gallery across town. He hadn’t wanted to tell her the truth at first because he’d never wanted to think about that picture again, but she’d looked at him with such hope and awe that he hadn’t been able to lie to her. After that, she’d started asking more and more about photography and he’d helped her find her feet and hone her skills. He’d never gotten to live his dream but maybe Becky could.   
  
It’s still difficult.   
  
It’s not like he’s the one who showed his portfolio to the gallery director in the first place. Chris has always been his biggest fan when it comes to his photographs, and he’s never quite sure if it’s because he’s his best friend or because he actually likes them. At the time, the gallery had only had room for one piece, and Jensen had chosen his photograph of the ice-covered lake he’d taken when he was eighteen. He remembers feeling deserted and gloomy when he’d taken it. That image doesn’t mean anything now because _now_ he understands what _real_ loneliness and sadness feel like, and it’s nothing like he’d felt that day. That frozen lake couldn’t possibly have felt what he feels without splintering into a million pieces.   
  
He still talks to the director, a sweet woman named Samantha. The only problem is that, each time they speak, she asks if he’s taken any more photographs. Chris said that when Sam had seen his portfolio she’d fallen in love with it, so now every time they chat, she wants to know if he’s got anything new he’d like to show her. What she doesn’t understand is that Jensen doesn’t do that anymore. A huge part of taking a photograph is how it makes him feel - the emotions it stirs within him - and Jensen doesn’t feel anymore. He doesn’t let himself.  Feelings just mean more pain, and he’s had enough of that to last him a lifetime.   
  
“Honestly, Becky, I’m fine.”    
  
She seems to buy it, at least, and gives him a small grin.   
  
“Alright, is it still okay if I bring those photos for you to look at tomorrow?”   
  
“You do know we have an art teacher for that, right?”   
  
“Yeah, but she doesn’t get it...not like you.” And, with that, she finally leaves.   
  
Jensen looks down at his watch, only to see that it’s about time to head home. He stretches his arms above his head and waits for that pleasant pop. He jerks when he feels a sudden vibration coming from his pocket, and he knows who it is without even looking. Every day, his phone goes off at this time so Chris can put himself at ease knowing Jensen’s still breathing.   
  
“I’m leaving now.”   
  
“Sorry?” That definitely wasn’t a male voice.   
  
“Oh, sorry. I thought you were Chris.”   
  
He hears a chuckle on the other end before she answers, “Chris still doing his mama bear act? I better not keep you long then. I was just wondering if you’re free next Friday.”   
  
“I don’t know how your husband would feel about that.”    
  
She chuckles again.  “If only I was ten years younger. No, I need your help at the gallery.” Jensen frowns; it’s a weird request, considering Sam knows how he feels about the gallery. Sure, he meets her every so often for coffee but he rarely sets foot in the actual gallery. Just being in there makes his heart ache so he tries to avoid it as much as he can.   
  
“What kind of help?”   
  
“We’re holding an opening for a new girl, and I thought you might enjoy seeing how a show is put together.”    
  
_ Now _ he gets it. “Sam, I’m grateful for what you’re trying to do but I haven’t taken a photograph in nearly...” he trails off because he was about to say three years but that isn’t right. The last time he’d picked up his camera was nearly _four_ years ago, and it hadn’t even been his camera anymore - just the shattered pieces of it. He feels the first prick of tears at the corner of his eyes, and shuts them quickly before any can escape. He won’t shed one more tear for that man.   
  
“Look, Sam, I just don’t do that anymore.”    
  
She lets out a quiet sigh before she answers, “Okay. Okay. I’ll stop being a nag but you should come anyway. This might be Megan’s first opening but her work is really something, and you might even enjoy yourself. Plus, I’ll even let you bring your two bodyguards.”   
  
A ‘no’ is on the tip of his tongue, but then he thought of the smile that would break out on Chris’ face if Jensen told him he was going to the gallery…hell, going out at all. Chris has already done so much for him; maybe it’s time to start giving a little back.   
  
“Alright.”   
  
“Wait, what? Really? And here I was, expecting a fight. Well, I guess I’ll see you at eight then?”   
  
“Yeah, okay.”    
  
He’s barely disconnected the call before the phone starts vibrating again. Looks like it’s time for his check-in. He loves Chris, he truly does, but the dude can be a little overbearing sometimes. But Jensen supposes he can’t really blame him; if the roles were reversed and Chris had ended up at his door in the middle of night covered in blood, if he’d ended up not talking for nearly three months, Jensen’s sure he wouldn’t let Chris out of his sight either. He might even have locked him in a tower and gone hunting for a dragon to stand guard…or he could’ve just gotten Steve to do that job.   
  
“Hey, are you heading home?” Yeah, that was unquestionably Chris’ voice.   
  
“Yeah, I’m on my way now.”   
  
He listens to Chris ramble on about some order mix up at the bar while he walks out to his car.  As soon as he’s sitting in the driver’s seat, he says a quick bye and heads off home.   
  
Now, people might look at their beach house and see a mess, but, to Jensen, it feels more like a home than any upmarket apartment. It’s home because he knows the moment he opens the front door, he’ll smell food, hear Chris humming away while he cooks and see Steve doing some crossword in his favourite armchair. The moment he steps into the house, he’ll hear Steve call out, asking about his day, and he’ll see Chris turn around and give him the biggest grin in the world.   
  
And that’s when Jensen knows he’s finally home.   
  
** ::: **   
  
It isn’t until a week later that things begin to fall down around him.   
  
“Hello?”   
  
“Hey, Jen.” Chad doesn’t have to say anything more than that – he’s been friends with Chad long enough by now to know when the guy’s scared – for Jensen to know why he’s calling.   
  
“What did he want?”   
  
“Your address.” Cold dread starts creeping along his skin and Jensen digs his nails into his palm to keep himself grounded, but, before he can ask for more information, Chad carries on, “I didn’t give it to him.”   
  
Jensen suddenly feels awful for thinking that Chad would ever have told Jared where he is. He doesn’t know whether to call Chad a fool or to call him brave - maybe calling him a brave fool would be the most accurate. He understands better than anyone that when Jared wants something, he won’t stop until he gets it. Jensen doesn’t doubt that Chad could’ve gotten really hurt, and he’s unbelievably grateful that Chad took that risk for him.   
  
“Thank you.”   
  
“Don’t be stupid, Jen. I just wanted to give you a heads up, just in case.”   
  
“Still, thank you.”   
  
“Yeah, okay.  Just take care, alright? And I’ll see you next weekend.”   
  
“See you then.” Jensen places the phone on his bedside table and just lies there. He isn’t ready to see Jared again; he doubts he’ll _ever_ be ready. But he knows Jared will find him; it’s only a matter of time.   
  
Jensen had always thought that if you waited patiently for something, then one day you’d get it. But now he knows that no matter how long he stays patient, the thing he wants most won’t ever come back to him.   
  
He knows people wonder why he stayed with Jared so long, but what they don’t understand is that Jensen had been waiting.   
  
Jared hadn’t always the man he is today. There was a time when Jared had been the most brilliant man Jensen had ever met – a man who’d amazed him every day. What Jensen had always thought was the greatest thing about Jared was that he _wasn’t_ perfect – because no one was - and Jensen hadn’t been bothered by that one bit.   
  
He’d loved that Jared had been so clumsy that on their first date he’d tripped over and ended up knocking his whole beer into Jensen’s lap.    
  
_ “Shit, Jensen, I’m so sorry. God, I’m an idiot.” _   
  
Jensen had never seen anyone turn so red. He’d just laughed it off, of course, and he thinks Jared might’ve fallen a bit in love with him right then.   
  
He’d loved that Jared spoke before he’d really thought about it.   
  
_ “I would never fuck with Jensen...unless we were actually fucking because, well, you  _ _ need _ _ to be fucking if you’re fucking...okay I’ll shut up now.” _   
  
Once again, Jensen had been in stitches by the time Jared had finally snapped his mouth closed, laughing at both Chris’ and Jared’s very red faces.   
  
He’d loved that Jared had never been able to contain his excitement to hear about Jensen’s day.   
  
_ “So tell me, tell me, did any creepy little kids come in the book store today to buy porn?  Come on, Jen, tell me, pretty please?” _   
  
Jensen hadn’t even minded that Jared had had his mouth full at the time. He hadn’t even cared when Jared had ended up spitting food all over the table after Jensen had told him that,   
  
_ “No, not everyone is like you, Jay.” _   
  
He’d loved that after their first night together, Jared brought him breakfast in bed…which had pretty much consisted of a packet of skittles and a Mars bar.   
  
_ ”Don’t say I don’t ever treat you, Jen.” _ He hadn’t really been able to say anything, not when Jared was looking at him like he’d just won the lottery.   
  
Finally, he’d loved that no matter how many times he brushed Jared’s hair out of his eyes, a second later it’d fall right back. Jared had downright refused to ever cut it, and Jensen might’ve loved that a little too.   
  
_ “You don’t understand, Jen, I’m waiting for Baywatch to get turned into a movie.  Coz, then, when the casting director asks who has the best hair, it’ll be me. So, I need to keep the hair.” _   
  
The Jared he knows now is never clumsy, only speaks when he needs to, never talks with his mouth full, never eats candy and gels his hair back.   
  
He’d thought, back then, if he waited long enough that, he’d maybe spot Jared being clumsy or eating a packet of Twizzlers; he’d truly believed that one day he’d become _his_ Jared again.   
  
But it had never happened.   
  
Jensen had waited and waited. He’d put up with the cheating, the loneliness, the looks and nasty words, and even the abuse. He just hadn’t been able to see that this _was_ _his_ Jared.   
  
He can’t even remember when their relationship had started to collapse. They’d been together for nearly seven years, and it wasn’t perfect. They’d had their fair share of arguments but the fights had always just been about silly things - like who forgotten to buy the coffee, who’d left the wet towel on the floor – and each argument had ended the same way. With both of them admitting they’d been in the wrong.   
  
One thing they’d never been towards each other was spiteful.   
  
_ Jensen woke up from some kind of fucked up dream about four squirrels getting together and starting a band. He shook his head at his crazy brain and turned to Jared to tell him all about it when he was met with cold sheets instead of a warm boyfriend. He frowned.  Sure, it wasn’t unusual for Jared to get up early and go for a run but today was Sunday. _   
  
_ Sundays were always their day. _   
  
_ Making himself get out of bed, he grabbed a t-shirt on his way out of the room and stepped around the moving boxes as he walked towards the noise coming from the other side of the apartment.  _   
  
_ “Jared?” he mumbled when he reached the kitchen and saw Jared already dressed for the day.  _   
  
_ In his suit. _   
  
_ “Go back to bed, Jen.” Jared didn’t even look up from his files as he sorted them out on the counter. _   
  
_ “You’re going into work?” They were supposed to be spending a lazy day unpacking boxes today. Jensen had already packed up their old apartment by himself and he hadn’t even wanted to move. He’d liked their old place. It had taken them both working two jobs to pay for it but it had been theirs - Jared and Jensen’s. This apartment hadn’t felt right since the moment he’d stepped into it. Everything was made of metal or glass and looked expensive; the whole place just  _ _ screamed _ _ impersonal. _   
  
_ “I’m sorry, Jen, but it’s important.” Something was  _ _ always _ _ more important than Jensen lately. He just wished he could spend one day with Jared without his boyfriend’s fucking phone going off. He watched as Jared packed his files away into his fancy new briefcase, missing Jared’s old backpack, with its silly patches on it, something fierce.  Jared’s mother had made him throw it out months ago; she’d said she couldn’t have her son walking around with something so tatty, and Jensen knew she hadn’t just been talking about the backpack. _   
  
_ “Milo says a new case’s just arrived and he thinks I might want to take a look at it.” Oh,  _ _ Milo _ _ said so did he? Now, Jensen understood...or he didn’t actually. He wasn’t the type of person to judge a book by its cover but Milo Ventimiglia looked like a weasel - a slimy,  _ _ creepy _ _ weasel. He didn’t trust the guy one bit.  _   
  
_ “But you already have two, Jay.” Jensen looked at the dark circles under Jared’s eyes, and worry quickly dispelled his anger. Jared was working too damn hard – too many long hours - and it was starting to get the better of him.   _   
  
_ Jared looked up at him then and Jensen saw something on his face that he’d never seen there before - disgust. He couldn’t quite wrap his mind around it, but that didn’t stop the warning bells from going off in his head, telling him that something was seriously wrong here.  _   
  
_ “You don’t think I can handle it?” Jared said, but his voice sounded strange. It almost sounded like he was fed up repeating himself, but Jensen was positive they’d never had this argument before.  _   
  
_ “Of course you can Jared but...” he trailed off, not sure how to say this without pushing Jared closer to the edge.  _   
  
_ “But what?” _   
  
_ “But you don’t have to run yourself into the ground to impress your mother.” And that seemed to be right on the money because Jared’s eyes widened for a moment in surprise, before a wall quickly came down behind them. When had Jared started locking him out? _   
  
_ “Yeah.” Jared snorted. “Well, news flash, Jensen, this has nothing to do with you.” He snapped his briefcase shut and headed towards the front door.  “Someone like you couldn’t even  _ _ begin _ _ to understand what it means to make a parent proud.”  _   
  
_ Jensen froze as the cruel words sliced into him, and it wasn’t until he heard the front door slam shut that he finally let out the breath he’d been holding. _   
  
_ He stood there for a long time, feeling numb and hurt by turns, before he decided he should probably start unpacking the kitchen boxes.  Alone or not. If he kept busy, he wouldn’t have to think about what had just happened, wouldn’t have to think about what he could’ve done differently. Part of him knew he was simply trying to block out the little voice in his head that kept asking when Jared had become so arrogant and self-righteous. _   
  
_ He put away the new china plates first, still not sure why they’d even bought them. He much preferred the plastic ones he and Jared had owned at their last place, and he knew Jared did too. His beloved coffee maker got placed onto the marble counter next, and he thought it looked as miserable as he felt. It just didn’t seem to fit with this new kitchen which yelled, ‘Money, money, money’ to everyone who walked into it.  _   
  
_ It was funny because Jensen had never cared about any of that. He could still remember when Jared first showed him their old place. It had only had three rooms – a kitchen, bathroom and a bedroom that doubled as a living room. Most of their friends had called it tiny, crammed full of their junk, but Jensen hadn’t minded; he’d liked the crate they used to put the TV on and the bed they used as a sofa.  He’d even become somewhat fond of the damp smell in the bathroom. The thing he’d liked the most of all, though, was that Jared was with him the day they’d moved in. They hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other and, in the end, had only managed to unpack the X-Box before christening their new bedroom. _   
  
_ It took four hours to unpack all kitchen boxes and, when he was done, he was exhausted. This just wasn’t meant to be a one man job.  He supposed he could call Chris to come over and lend a hand, but he doubted he’d be very helpful. Chris got bored too easily and would likely end up causing more of a mess than what they’d started with. Steve would be a great help, but then he’d tell Chris about it and Chris would be all bitchy about Jensen not inviting him.  All in all, it simple wasn’t worth it - no one wanted to deal with a bitchy Chris. _   
  
_ He started opening the boxes in the living room then, putting away DVDs and CDs in the rack along the wall. He moved onto the next box; it had ‘fragile’ scrawled on the front so Jensen made sure to handle it with care. He wasn’t surprised to see that ugly glass vase – the one Jared’s mother had bought him as a congratulations gift for doing so well at work - when he looked inside.  He really wished he didn’t have to have that thing in his new apartment, but he picked it up all the same and was just about to place it on the sideboard…when he tripped over one of the other boxes. He watched as the vase hit the floor, smashing into a thousand little pieces, and shrugged - it had been a fucking horrid vase anyway.  _   
  
_ He couldn’t help but laugh, though – that damn vase had probably been the only thing that  _ _ actually _ _ matched this apartment. Still chuckling, he carefully stepped around the pieces and went to get a dust pan and brush.  _   
  
_ After a few more hours of unpacking, Jensen’s body was completely drained. He flopped down on the sofa and crinkled his nose in disgust when he was assaulted with the acrid scent of leather coming from the cushions.  Urgh, he hated it already.  _   
  
_ Even after placing most of the stuff in the living room, the place still didn’t feel like his. All his things stuck out, looking so terribly out of place, whereas Jared’s stuff seemed to fit right in. That thought made his stomach twist in knots. One of the things that had attracted him to Jared in the first place was that they’d had so much in common, but, looking around this room, he realised Jared’s tastes had changed a lot since then.  He wondered briefly how he hadn’t noticed that before.  _   
  
_ He was shaken from his musings when he heard a key turning in the front door lock.  _   
  
_ “Hey.” At least Jared seemed to have calmed down. Jensen sat perfectly still as Jared knelt down in front of him and took hold of his hands, gently kneading the skin there. “I’m sorry.”  _   
  
_ Those two words put all Jensen’s worries to rest. He pulled his hand away and cupped Jared’s cheek, bringing his boyfriend closer so he could bite at Jared’s lower lip before kissing him. It was a simple kiss, but it brought calmness to Jensen and, from the way Jared’s shoulders relaxed at the touch, he thought it also brought that to Jared. When they finally parted, his breath caught at how miserable Jared looked. He didn’t move away when Jared pressed his forehead against his. _   
  
_ “I don’t deserve you,” Jared whispered in such a heart-breaking voice, but before Jensen could disagree, Jared dropped a soft kiss on his forehead as he got up and walked over to the fridge for a beer. Jared pulled his tie off before twisting open the lid and taking a long pull from the bottle.  When he put it down again, his eyes widened as he took in the now fully stocked kitchen. _   
  
_ “Wow, Jen, I didn’t honestly expect you to do all this by yourself.”  _   
  
_ Jensen noticed the regret in Jared’s eyes, but in a flash it was gone. “It’s not a big deal.  I didn’t have anything else to do today anyway.” Jared walked back over to him, flopping down next to him on the sofa and stroking a hand across the back of Jensen’s neck.  It felt nice. “Busy day?” Jensen asked, leaning into the touch. _   
  
_ “Yeah.”  _   
  
_ That was all Jensen usually got when he asked a question about Jared’s day; Jared never talked about work, and after a while Jensen had just stopped asking for details. He was sure if Jared had a problem, he’d tell him about it. He understood that Jared wanted to show his parents they’d made the right decision by training him to take over, but Jensen didn’t like seeing him so run down. Jensen wasn’t exactly an expert when it came to parental love, but he thought Jared’s parents should be proud of him no matter what. _   
  
_ He’d had only met Jared’s family a few times, and most of those times had been at the Padalecki Annual Christmas Party. Before he’d met them, he’d never understood why Jared kept him away from them, but once he had, he finally got it.  _   
  
_ He hadn’t had a chance to meet Jeff before the guy bailed, but Megan had been lovely. Jared’s father had seemed a bit distant at first but once Jensen brought up sports, Jensen hadn’t been able to shut him up, and by the next Christmas party, both Megan and Jared’s father had acted like he was part of the family.  _   
  
_ The only problem he’d had with the Padalecki clan was Sherri. She hadn’t even tried to hide her disgust that Jensen was a man and had only spoken to him when absolutely necessary. Christ, even when they’d gotten their ‘congratulations on your new home’ card in the post, his name hadn’t been included. Jared had laughed it off and said she just forgot, and Jensen hadn’t been able to disagree because Jared’s family meant everything to him.  _   
  
_ They sat in silence for a few more minutes until Jared’s stomach rumbled loudly. Jared gave a sheepish laugh and a red blush started to spread across his cheeks - that was the Jared he knew and loved. Patting Jared’s knee, Jensen got up and made his way towards the kitchen to get them something to eat.  It wasn’t until he walked over to the fridge that he saw a piece of glass on the floor that he hadn’t swept up. Shit, he’d forgotten about that. _   
  
_ “Hey,” he said, opening the fridge door and peering inside. It was pretty bare but he figured he could probably scrape enough stuff together for an omelette.  _   
  
_ “Hmm.” _   
  
_ “I had an accident today with one of the boxes and ended up breaking something.”  _   
  
_ “You okay?”  _   
  
_ Call him twisted for smiling at the concern in Jared’s voice but, after the day he’d had, he couldn’t help but take comfort in it. _ _“Yeah, ‘course. I’m just sorry I broke it.”_   
  
_ “Accidents happen, Jen; it’s not the end of the world.” _   
  
_ Wow, that felt like a huge weight off his shoulders.  He’d just started to pull out the ingredients he needed when he heard the question he’d been hoping Jared wouldn’t ask. _   
  
_ “What did you break?”  _   
  
_ Fuck. _   
  
_ “Err...” He trailed off feeling...almost nervous.  Which was ridiculous.  This was  _ _ Jared _ _ , for fuck’s sake. _   
  
_ “Jen?” _   
  
_ Well, it was probably just better to get it over with, right?  Nice and quick, like ripping off a band aid. “I broke that vase your mother brought.”  _   
  
_ There. Done. _   
  
_ “What?”  _   
  
_ “You  _ _ know _ _ , the green vase your mother bought you last year.” _   
  
_ “Yeah, I know what vase, Jen. I just don’t understand how you could break it.” _   
  
_ “It was an accident, Jared, and, like you said just a few seconds ago, accidents happen.” _

_“Yes, I know that, but I made sure it had extra padding in the box.  How the hell did you manage to break it?”_  
  
 _Jensen tried not to flinch at the harsh tone of Jared’s voice, but he couldn’t help it. “I’m sorry, Jared, I didn’t do it on purpose. I had the vase in my hand, and I was about to put it on the sideboard when I tripped over one of the other boxes and dropped it.” He felt so stupid having to explain it._  
  
 _“For god’s sake, how hard is it to look where you’re fucking going? Seriously, Jensen, those boxes are huge.”_  
  
 _Jensen’s hands shook as he placed the ingredients on the counter - Jared had never spoken to him like that before.  Like he was stupid, and every word felt like a punch in the gut. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean for it to happen and I can’t go back to save the vase. End of story.”_  
  
 _The next second, he felt Jared come up behind him and he looked back over his shoulder.  Jared’s nostrils were flaring with every angry breath he took, and the red crawling up his neck had nothing to do with embarrassment this time. He’d seen Jared angry before, of course, but it had never been directed at him. It made Jensen want to curl up into a tiny ball and hide away from him._  
  
 _He cursed himself for letting Jared intimidate him._  
  
 _“You're_ _sorry_ _? That’s just supposed to just make everything alright, is it? You know what that vase meant to me. You couldn’t have just been a little more fucking careful?” He didn’t shout the words, instead choosing to whisper them right in Jensen’s ear. Somehow, that was worse._  
  
 _Grow a pair, Ackles,_ _a voice that sounded very much like Chris growled inside his head,_ _stand up for yourself_ _. And the voice was right; he wasn’t just going to stand there and be spoken to like that, especially not over some fucking vase that Jared used to keep under the goddamn sink._  
  
 _So he turned around and shoved Jared out of his space. Unfortunately, that only seemed to make Jared even angrier, and, the next moment, Jensen felt the air rush out of his lungs as his back hit the fridge. Hard. The pain was oddly comforting. He made sure to focus on that instead of rage on Jared’s face._  
  
 _“How would you feel if I broke something important to you?” Jared snarled as he crowded Jensen back against the fridge. Jensen didn’t look up; he just kept his mind focused on the way the door handle was digging painfully into his back. He didn’t want to give Jared the satisfaction of seeing him scared, but that decision was torn away from him when harsh fingers gripped his chin and forced his head up. “Answer the question.”_  
  
 _“If it was an accident and you apologised then I would forgive and forget it,” he answered truthfully, because he trusted Jared would never break anything of his on purpose.  He ignored the voice in his head, and the way it was screaming at him to shut the hell up._  
 _._  
 _The look Jared gave him then made him feel very uncomfortable; something wasn’t right about it and he didn’t like it at all.  But then Jared was backing off and striding from the room, and Jensen could finally breathe again. He took a few shaky breaths and looked over towards the door; he wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to follow Jared or if his boyfriend wanted some time alone to cool off. He ended up having the choice made for him when Jared re-entered the room._  
  
 _Jensen froze when he saw what he was carrying. “What are you doing with that?”_  
  
 _Jared gave him such an ugly smirk that Jensen felt the hairs on his arm stand up._  
  
 _No, this was stupid. He shouldn’t be fucking scared of a guy who cried at watching Bambi._  
  
 _“Well, Jensen, you did just say you’d forgive me if I broke something of yours.”_  
  
 _He was kidding, right? Jared had to just be fucking around. He wouldn’t seriously break that knowing how much it meant to Jensen._  
  
 _“I said if it was an_ _accident_ _, Jared.” Jensen raised both of his hands out in front of him, as if he were trying to calm a wild animal. “Please, Jared, just put that down,” he pleaded._  
  
 _“But, Jen, don’t you think it’s only fair that I break something as important to you as that vase was to me?”_  
  
 _“Jared, that was just some stupid vase! You thought it was hideous when you first saw it. You even shoved it under the fucking bathroom sink!”_  
  
 _And that seemed to be the absolute worst thing to say because, the next second, he watched as Jared hurled it at the wall.  The sound of it shattering against the plaster tore something deep inside him._  
  
 _He couldn’t look down at where he knew his camera now laid in pieces. His whole body shook and he felt tears start to run down his cheeks._  
  
 _Immediately, he felt Jared’s hand on his shoulder, but he flinched away, and Jared quickly replaced his hand with two strong arms around Jensen’s waist. Jensen felt like his body was suddenly boneless and that the only thing holding him up was Jared._  
  
 _“Shit, Jen, I don’t…I don’t know why I did that. I’m so sorry.”_ _When Jared got no answer, his voice took on a more frantic edge, “I’m so sorry, Jensen. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I just get so angry all the time, but I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, Jen, speak to me.”_  
  
 _Jensen couldn’t even find the energy to get pissed, let alone speak.  He just stood there, being held, while he listened to Jared apologise over and over._  
  
 _He felt empty._  
  
 _That camera was the only evidence he had - no,_ _used_ _to have - that he’d once been loved by someone other than Jared. It had been a gift from his grandfather, and Jensen remembered feeling like he held the whole world in his hands when the man had given it to him on his twelfth birthday. Now that camera lay in pieces on the floor._  
  
 _The only thing he knew right then was that this was something he’d never forgive Jared for.  And it was certainly something he would never forget._  
  
He’d been blind not to see it back then, the way Jared was already changing, but the next morning he’d woken up to find a brand new camera sitting on his bedside table. After that, they’d never spoken about it again, but Jensen had never used the new camera and he’d stopped taking pictures. He doubted Jared had even noticed, or if he had, he never asked about it. Maybe he just hadn’t cared anymore.  
  
Jensen had honestly thought that, after that ‘accident’, things would get better but they’d only gotten worse.  
  
“Hey, Jen, you ready?”  
  
He gazes back at his reflection in the dresser mirror and sees that he still has a long way to go. He’s still too thin - so much that his suit jacket hangs off his shoulders. He kind of wishes now that he’d spent some time looking for a new one, but he doesn’t really see the point of spending all that money on a suit that he’ll probably only wear once. He loathes wearing suits, but he doesn’t think Sam would be very pleased if he showed up in jeans and a t-shirt. He’s chosen a simple white shirt to go with the grey suit, and he refuses to wear a tie – the suit is smart enough without it, and it’s going to be hard enough to breathe in there already without having anything around his neck.  
  
He draws in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. He shoves Jared and all those dark memories to the back of his mind and walks into the living room.  
  
Chris and Steve are waiting for him by the front door, and it doesn’t surprise him that Chris isn’t wearing a suit.  At least, he picked a pair of jeans without holes in them. Steve looks handsome in his dark brown suit and blue button down; he even made the effort and matched it with a navy tie.  
  
“Sorry, Jen, he refused to wear anything with buttons,” Steve says with a smile, quickly dodging the elbow Chris sends his way.  
  
“Hey, I just don’t see why I have to dress up to look at pictures.” He walks over to wrap an arm around Jensen’s shoulders before dragging him out towards his truck. “At least I showered.” Chris turns back toward Steve, who is busy locking the front door, and shouts, “Be thankful for that!” Jensen lets out a small chuckle, and when he looks up, he sees both Steve and Chris smiling at him in return.   
  
Chris jumps into the driver’s seat and Jensen calls shotgun as Steve climbs into the back, mumbling something about idiots.    
  
They make their way across town towards Sam’s gallery, which they find is lit up like a Christmas tree. Jensen has been here a small number of times but never at night. The front windows are adorned with white fairy lights, and even the trees out front have lights wound around their branches. He won’t admit it out loud because he knows Chris would laugh at him, but he thinks the gallery looks stunning. Chris manages to find a parking space down the street and they quickly make their way inside.  
  
The place is buzzing, hundreds of people milling around talking and looking at the photographs. It’s tastefully decorated, subtly enough to not be garish.   
  
There’s a bar in the corner with a food table next to it, and on the walls all around them are dozens of photographs. Each photograph has its own spotlight, giving the room an ethereal look that works perfectly with the artwork. The room is crowded with guests, all dressed in expensive outfits, and Jensen pulls his jacket tighter around himself. He suddenly feels very out of place.  
  
He looks behind him to speak to Chris, but the guy’s already gone. Jensen searches the room for his friend, and, unsurprisingly, finds him at the food table. Chris is piling food onto his plate like it’s the end of the world and this is the only food left. He looks over to the bar and sees Steve chatting to Sam’s husband, Jeff.   
  
Jensen’s so focused on his friends that he misses Sam calling his name. It isn’t until he feels a tap on his arm that he turns around.   
  
And what he sees makes his blood run cold.  
  
“Jensen?”  
  
The next moment, he finds himself with an armful of Megan Padalecki.  
  
“Oh my God!” He doesn’t hug her back, just gives her an awkward pat, before she finally releases him and takes his face in both of her hands. “It really _is_ you.”  
  
Sam looks between them with obvious confusion, but before she can ask, something behind him catches her attention. She quickly smiles at both of them and rushes off. He turns his head slightly to see Chris having an argument with some fancily dressed woman. He’s about to step in when he sees that their hands are locked in battle over something; he looks closer to make out what it is.  A sausage roll.   They’re playing tug of war with a fucking sausage roll.  
  
Idiots.  
  
He notices Sam disappear somewhere out the back, coming back a second later with a new plate of them.  
  
“Wow, Jensen, I can’t believe it.  How long has it been?”   
  
Jensen quickly steps back before she can give him another hug, but she doesn’t seem bothered by the rejection. Jensen never was one for people touching him, especially when it came to the Padaleckis. He doesn’t have a problem with Megan; she was always pleasant to him, but just looking at those hazel eyes, so damn familiar it hurts, makes him feel sick. “How have you been?”  
  
He could lie and say he’s doing great, or he could tell her that, thanks to her bastard brother’s mind games, he’s completely fucked in the head and unable to enter into any new relationship because he now has a bunch of trust issues.  
  
“I’m doing great, Meg. How about you?”  
  
She seems to buy it because, for the next half hour, he stands there listening to her tell him all about what college was like and how she fell in love with photography. He doesn’t mind her talking really; it means she won’t ask any questions. She’s just finishing her tale about how she met her current boyfriend when she asks the question Jensen would much rather eat his own tongue than answer.  “You speak to Jared lately?”  
  
“No,” Jensen whispers, hoping she will let the subject drop.  
  
“Aw, that’s a shame. I always liked you two together and I’d never seen Jared so besotted before.” It’s obvious that she doesn’t have a clue what had happened between them, and a part of him wonders what lies Jared told her about him leaving. She doesn’t seem to want to rip his balls off, so the story can’t have been that bad. He wonders if he’d get any pleasure from telling her what her brother’s truly like, but he knows Megan doesn’t deserve that.  
  
“Yeah, it’s a shame.”   
  
_A shame my ass._  
  
She seems to consider him for a few seconds, clearly deciding whether or not to ask her next question.  Jensen wishes she wouldn’t. He isn’t one for lying, but in this case he thinks it’s best. He doesn’t know if Megan and Jared are still close, or if she thinks anything weird is going on with Jensen. He already knows she’d gossip about it with Jared, and that would lead to Jared asking which town he’s in.   
  
And he can’t let that happen.   
  
Megan must see some of his dread on his face because, instead of opening her mouth again, she just gives him a smile and walks off to talk to someone else.  
  
He thinks he should be grateful for that, but something about that smile puts him on edge. There was a certain sadness to it. He just prays she won’t mention his name to Jared; he doubts she’ll have a reason to unless Jared brings up her show, and the Jared he knows only thinks about himself. He’s sure he’s safe for the time being.  
  
Someone touches his shoulder then, and Jensen turns round to face Chris who seems to be having a little trouble shoving everything on his plate into his mouth at once.  
  
“Great show, right?” Chris asks, his mouth _way_ too full of food. He might’ve found that quality cute in a certain someone, once upon a time, but Chris just looks like some sort of mutated beaver.  
  
”Since when is the food table part of a show?”  
  
“Hey, I can eat _and_ look. I’ve gotta admit this chick’s stuff isn’t half bad.”  
  
“Half bad?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s alright, but it’s no way near as good as yours.”  
  
He doesn’t know what to say to that so he just turns his attention to some of Megan’s photographs. Chris was right about them not being half bad. She’s got a good eye but she’s stuck to one theme. Most of her work involves flowers, pets, sunsets - all pretty things; she really needs to explore other aspects of life. Sticking to things that are beautiful simply shows she doesn’t fully understand her craft yet.  She doesn’t understand that you can find beauty even in the ugliest of places.  It’s okay, she’ll learn.  “She’s got a good eye.”  
  
“That she has,” Chris says around a mouthful of cheese as he looks at a photograph of a valley of daises and buttercups. It really is a gorgeous shot.  
  
“I’ll always remember that picture you took of that abandoned factory. I thought it was such a stupid idea at the time, because the whole place was falling apart, and I didn’t get why anyone would want a photo of that. It wasn’t until I saw the picture that I understood.”  
  
“Understood what?”  
  
Chris turns to face him and his gaze softens.  “You not only see the good in things, but the bad as well.”  
  
Chris looks down at the plate in his hands and mumbles something about some bitch stealing his sausage roll. He finally settles on eating the mini quiche and goes back to looking at the photographs.  
  
Jensen has wondered many times over the years what he did to deserve someone like Chris in his life. Chris has had to deal with his fair share of crap, but, even after everything, he’s still standing by Jensen’s side. He still gets Jensen like no one else ever has or ever will.   
  
Thinking of all that, he can’t help but smile as he says, “Thank you.”  
  
“Hmm...What?” Chris looks up at him, his mouth full again.  
  
“Thank you for understanding me.”  
  
“Yeah, well...” Jensen takes pleasure in the way Chris’ cheeks flush bright red as he picks nervously at his food. “You get me too, you know.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
Chris squirms under his gaze for a moment, chewing his bottom lip, before narrows his eyes at Jensen. “Is this some plan of yours?  Be nice to me and I will give you tasty food in return?” Jensen barks out a laugh at that, banishing away any awkwardness still lingering in the air between them.  
  
“Trust me, son, when I say you aren’t getting any of this,” Chris continues, shovelling more food into his mouth.   
  
His mood quickly sobers again, though, as he looks back at the photograph. “I always dream that someday I’ll be standing in a room just like this one, but the work I’ll be staring at will be yours.”  
  
Jensen’s just about to say, “I thought so too” when Chris’ words catch up with him.   
  
Chris hadn’t said ‘dreamt’; he’d said ‘dream’. Jensen isn’t sure whether he should laugh at the fact that Chris still believes Jensen’s capable of doing something like that, or weep that Chris still wants that for him. So he settles for stealing a couple of chips off Chris’s plate, ignoring the growl he gets in response. He starts to walk over to where Sam is still chatting with Steve when he looks over his shoulder and says, “One day.”  
  
Chris freezes mid-bite and looks at Jensen in astonishment. Then he smiles that brilliant smile and Jensen knows the lie was worth it.  
  
 **:::**  
  
Monday soon arrives and brings with it his old friend ‘trouble’.  
  
He can’t call what he did with Jared running away; it was more like a fresh start. He didn’t necessarily need to move halfway across the country, but Jensen can’t even remember making that choice. He can’t remember much about those first few months. He wonders how Chris and Steve both had coped living with a ghost, and he wonders who got his stuff from Jared’s apartment. He doubts it was Chris because he’s still a free man. He doesn’t like to think about what Steve must’ve thought stepping in there; he just hopes Jared had the common sense to clear up all his blood.   
  
Over the past few years, Jensen has had good days and other days which were... not so good. Chris jokes sometimes that it’s like living with twins, but even Jensen can tell it takes a lot out of both of them when he has one of his off days. Days he just spends in bed, not eating, not sleeping, barely even breathing. He spends those days thinking about all the mistakes he’s made.  
  
He doesn’t want to see Jared again because part of him is afraid that he’ll start hoping for the impossible again.  That he’ll go back to waiting for something that’ll never come.   
  
But there’s something he fears more than that – Chris seeing Jared again. Jensen doubts he’d be able to keep Chris from killing Jared, and that scares him shitless. Guilt already sits heavily on Jensen’s shoulders; he doesn’t think he’d be able to handle Chris getting locked away. He can’t let that happen.  
  
After three years, he hadn’t thought Jared would ever show his face again, but when he comes home to find Steve sitting on the deck, with four empty beer bottles next to him, he knows the past has finally caught up with him.  
  
“We can’t let Chris know.”  
  
“It’s not something we can keep from him, Jen.” Steve sounds so tired. Jensen sighs and takes a seat next to him, not bothering to ask why Steve’s sitting out here. He assumes it’s because Chris is home and Steve wanted to talk to Jensen first. Though Steve hides it well, Jensen knows he’s just as worried as him about Chris seeing Jared again. Still, Steve never was one for secrets, and Jensen thinks part of Steve probably hates him for all the secrets he’s kept over the years.  For all the ones he still keeps.  
  
“We have to, Steve. This is _my_ problem and I’ll deal with it.” The words are thoughtless, he knows that the moment he’s said them, and he’s not surprised when he hears the crash of Steve’s beer bottle hitting the ground in front of them.  
  
“No, you don’t get to say that, Jensen!  Fuck!” Steve growls, getting up and pacing up and down the deck. “This hasn’t been just _your_ problem since the day you came to Chris’ door looking like roadkill.” Jensen’s not listening anymore though. He’s trying to stop the trembling of his limbs but he just can’t. Every time he hears glass break, he’s back in that room, lying in a puddle of his own blood.     
  
He’s in that room again and he can’t get out.  
  
He bites his bottom lip viciously, hard enough to draw blood, to keep the tears at bay.  He feels his throat start to close up as his vision darkens until all he can see is Jared’s cold stare.  
  
 _“Jared, please, I need help. I can’t...please.”_  
  
“Shit, Jensen.”  
  
 _“Well, Jensen, you’re just so perfect you can do anything, right? I’m sure you can manage to drive yourself to the hospital.”_  
  
“Hey, man, come on.”  
  
 _“I’m sorry about what I said before; you know I didn’t mean anything by it.”_  
  
“Jensen?”  
  
 _“You should have thought of that before you said it then.”_  
  
“Come on, Jen!”  
  
 _“Jared, I know, just please...”_  
  
“Please, Jen.”   
  
He feels the tight grip Steve has on his arms and knows he’ll have bruises tomorrow, but he doesn’t care because he’s no longer in that room. “Jared...” he stops, swallowing down the bile that rises to his throat. “Jared took away everything and I can’t...I...he would...I just can’t...” He wipes furiously at his eyes and stares at the ground – he can’t look at Steve face, not when he knows what he’ll see there. He hates himself for being so weak, and he hates Jared even more for making him so. Clenching his fists, he lets the pain of his nails digging into his palms keep him in the present.  
  
He feels, rather than sees, Steve move to sit next to him again, a moment before his friend places a calming hand on Jensen’s knee.  
  
“I know it’s hard, Jen, but Chris wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t tell him.”  
  
“I can’t let him have Chris.” Finally feeling like he can look in Steve’s face again, he turns to Steve. He _needs_ him to understand this. Jared has taken so much from him, but he won’t let him take Chris away from him.  
  
“I get it, Jen, I really do, but Chris is an adult, despite how he acts sometimes.” Jensen can tell Steve is trying to make him smile, but it doesn’t work – he just doesn’t have the energy to fake it right now. Steve lets out a sigh and whispers, “Chris would never do anything that would end up hurting you, Jen.”  
  
“I know, but do you honestly think Chris would be able to stop himself if he saw Jared?”   
  
Steve takes his hand off Jensen’s knee and uses it to rest his chin on. Jensen follows Steve’s line of sight towards the ocean next to their house; though they can’t see it, they can still hear it. He knows the main reason Chris decided on this place was because they have no neighbours, but Jensen also knows that Chris loves the ocean.  He says it calms him down.   
  
It’s fitting, in Jensen’s opinion, because Chris is a little like the ocean.  They both have two sides to them - the calm, peaceful, fun side and the dark, dangerous, deadly side.  
  
  
“No, he wouldn’t.” Before Jensen can argue that, Steve continues, “And we just have to have faith in him that he knows when to stop.”  
  
“That doesn’t really make me feel any better about it, you know.”   
  
Steve laughs and it’s such a pleasant sound that it lightens Jensen’s mood a little, despite the conversation they’re having. Steve doesn’t laugh enough.  
  
He wants so badly to keep both Chris and Steve out of this mess. He knows they’ve already lost enough because of him and Jensen will make sure that, this time, they won’t have to give up anything for him. This was his fault to begin with; it was his choice to fall in love and it was his choice to stay. He isn’t going to let his friends pay for his mistakes again.  
  
They both sit there, lost in their own thoughts, for a while before the silence is broken by a bark of laughter from indoors.  Steve stands up first and shoves his hands in his jean pockets.  
  
“I...” Steve stops, rubbing the back of his neck with one of his hands before returning it to his pocket. Jensen actually kind of wants to laugh because he doesn’t think he has ever seen Steve look so uncomfortable before.  
  
“You’re not alone, Jensen,” Steve says, and with that, he heads into the house.  
  
Jensen sits there a bit longer, listening to Chris’ full blown laughter and Steve telling him to turn the TV down. Of course, that just makes Chris turn the volume up.  
  
He leans back on the decking and smiles.  
  
Yeah, it’s really nice not being alone.  
  
  
 


	4. Chapter Four.

_ So we're bound to linger on   
_ _We drink the fatal drop  
Then love until we bleed  
Then fall apart in parts – Kleerup ‘Until We Bleed’_   
  
Jared has never believed in the fairy tales.  He thinks the whole idea of seeing someone for the first time and just knowing that person’s ‘the one’ is ridiculous.   
  
He does believe in love though. He knows that it takes time, and a lot of effort, but Jared really enjoys the challenge of chasing someone.  He finds meeting someone new exciting, and loves finding out all their likes and dislikes, before eventually falling in love with them.   
  
But that hadn’t happened with Jensen, and that was probably why it had all gone so terribly wrong.  Jared had never gotten the time to fall in love with him; there had been no slow build up, no getting to know each other first. All it had taken was one laugh and Jared had fallen hard and fast.   
  
It might sound stupid, but the moment he’d heard that bright laugh, he’d known he wanted to hear it every day for the rest of his life.   
  
He simply hadn’t been prepared for how quickly he’d fallen for the hurricane that was Jensen Ackles. Every bit of Jared had needed, _ached_ , for Jensen and that had terrified him.   
  
Jensen had just been so easy to love. Jared had never felt so comfortable around another person before and, after their first meeting, it had just felt natural to ask him out for drinks.      
  
In the beginning, he can admit that he’d romanticised their relationship a little. He’d thought Jensen was his other half, his soul mate, but he’d soon realised he was wrong about that.  Because Jensen had already found his soul mate long before Jared had come along. He knows he can’t hold anyone else responsible for what he’s done to Jensen, but he thinks he can place some of the blame on Christian Kane.   
  
He’d understood that they were best friends and he’d even appreciated that Jensen had someone looking out for him, but, as time had gone on, he’d become aware that the two of them were so much more than best friends.   
  
They’d been nothing like him and Chad.   
  
Chris and Jensen were something else entirely, and it had driven him crazy not being able to put a name to it. It had also driven him crazy that Chris had always been a part of Jensen’s life, and every time he’d seen that special smile Jensen saved just for Chris, he’d seethed with jealousy. He’d been positive that the thought of being with Jensen had crossed Chris’ mind more than once over the years, but nothing had ever happened between. And, honestly, Jared hadn’t been able to blame the guy for wanting it.   
  
Jensen was the sweetest person Jared had ever had the pleasure of meeting. He’d adored everything about the man, from the way he’d wrinkled his nose when he disliked something to the way he’d talked in his sleep. Jensen had been so perfect, and maybe that was the other reason everything had gone south between them.   
  
The more time he’d spent with Jensen, the more he’d felt like he wasn’t good enough to stand by his side. He’d loved that Jensen was so compassionate and that he’d always seen the best in people, helping them even when they hadn’t deserved it. Jensen would shoulder other people’s problems, along with his own, and he’d do it with a smile on his face.    
  
That had been part of the reason he’d never told Jensen about his own problems; he hadn’t wanted Jensen to see him as weak, to see him as someone who needed his help. He hadn’t wanted Jensen - kind, gentle Jensen - to have to think about Jared’s shadowy doubts and dark fears.   
  
Jensen hadn’t had a wicked bone in him; Jared, on the other hand, is filled with them.   
  
Jared had grown up living in his older brother, Jeff’s, shadow. No one had cared about the second son; everything had always been about Jeff. Jared’s dad had never taught him how to play chess or how to catch a ball; had never shown up to any of his parent-teacher evenings at school; had never once come to one of Jared’s basketball matches. He knows now that his dad hadn’t done it on purpose; if he’d been born first, then Jeff would’ve been the one with all these unfulfilled childhood memories.   
  
The only person who’d noticed him was his mother. Like Chris and Jensen, his mother had always had a hidden smile just for him, and no one else had ever caught a glimpse of it.  She’d tuck him in at night and whisper how proud she was of him, and how one day he’d become a brilliant man. After hearing it so many times, Jared had started to believe it. When Jared finally did grow up, the only thing he’d cared about was showing his mother that she’d been right to believe in him.   
  
He hadn’t got the chance to do that until Jeff had done a runner and his parents had offered him the company. He hadn’t thought about his own dreams as he’d signed his name on contract after contract, and some part of him still wonders why nobody had stopped him. Why hadn’t Chad reminded him of his dreams; why hadn’t Sandy called him an idiot; why hadn’t Jensen given him an alternative? He wants to blame all of them but he knows he can’t.   
  
It had been his decision to sell part of his soul that day.   
  
He doubts now that he’d have put his signature on that line if he’d known what he was going to become because of it.   
  
He can’t say when he felt himself start to change. He does remember his mother planting that first doubt in his head though. He’d tried to ignore it, but, all too soon, it had turned gnawed its way into his brain and begun to multiply, spawning hundreds of new doubts he’d never even thought of before.  It had been overwhelming, and terrifying.   
  
_ “Oh, sweetheart, are you sure that’s a good idea? I’m not saying this to be cruel because you know how much I adore Jensen, but maybe this is just not the right time to come out with your...uh, partner.  This is such an important dinner, Jared, and not everyone will understand. Give it time…I’m sure we can introduce Jensen to everyone later.” _   
  
His mother hadn’t been said it in a nasty or unpleasant way, just as a concerned mother trying to protect her son.  But it had hit Jared hard, making him question himself and Jensen and everything they’d had together.  It had made him wonder whether they’d ever be accepted; whether his relationship would hurt his career; whether what he and Jensen had was wrong.  So many doubts had whirled through his head after that innocent little suggestion, and Jared had been powerless to push them away.       
  
He’d done as his mother advised, and he hadn’t invited Jensen.  He hadn’t known back then that that had been one of his first steps into becoming someone else.   
  
He’d never even told Jensen about the dinner, because he’d known they’d argue about it and, in the end, Jensen would simply forgive him, just like he’d always done, and Jared hadn’t wanted that guilt weighing on his shoulders.     
  
That was yet another thing that had always taken that for granted – the fact that Jensen would forgive him anything.     
  
When he’d finally met his co-workers, he’d understood why his mother had said that. Not all of them had been big headed, pompous assholes but the good majority had been.  Even so, Jared had found himself spending time with them.   
  
That had been another step.   
  
He’d barely even recognised himself anymore.  Gone was the man that had met Jensen all those years ago, and in his place was a new Jared.     
  
He hadn’t realised how far he’d fallen, though, until about a year after he’d joined the firm.  They’d been out for drinks, him and his work buddies, and they’d noticed two guys sitting at the bar. It obvious from the way the blond guy kept his hand on his partner’s lower back that they were a couple.   
  
He’d had to bite his tongue when Milo had spat that people like that should be locked up; he’d tasted blood when Mark had said how unnatural it was.  His skin had crawled at their laughter and the way Katie had claimed they weren’t real men.    
  
And when their judgemental eyes turned on him, he’d forced himself to agree.  To say that it was disgusting and filthy.  Then he’d joined in their laughter, even as more doubts had sprung up in his mind.    
  
It hadn’t been until he’d gotten home and seen Jensen asleep on the coach, a book on his chest and his glasses hanging off, that Jared had laid those doubts to rest for a while.   
  
It hadn’t taken long for him to stop worrying about how much he was changing.   
  
He’d known, back then, that Chad and Sandy thought it was odd they hadn’t met his new friends yet, and since Jensen had wanted to meet them as well, Jared swallowed his fear and took them all along to his weekly night ou­­­­­­­­t with his co-workers. He hadn’t told any of them about his relationship with Jensen – _obviously_ – and he’d spent the evening completely on edge, his body taut with nervous tension.   
  
He’d chosen each word he said carefully and avoided every bit of contact with Jensen, ignoring the confused look on Jensen’s face every time he’d pulled away.   
  
It had all been going fine, mostly, until Milo had decided to mention the ‘ _fag’_ that had hit on him in the coffee shop the morning before. Jared had felt Jensen tense next to him, getting ready to pounce, but before he could lay into Milo, Jared had steered the conversation back to a safer topic. He’d ignored the stunned looks Sandy and Chad had shot his way, and tried not notice how tightly wound Jensen had stayed for the rest of the evening.   
  
After that night, Jensen had made it clear how he felt about Milo, or the ‘ _weasel’_ as he liked to call him. He still isn’t sure who’d been more shocked when he’d snapped, _“Stop being such a bitch, Jen. Milo was just kidding around; just drop it, for fuck’s sake.”_   
  
That was the first argument they’d had where neither of them apologised, but it wouldn’t be their last.   
  
Really, the only thing he’d gotten out of that night was the lesson that work and his personal life had no business crossing paths. Jared had realised he had to be tougher, more ruthless, if he wanted to keep the respect he’d gained from his co-workers, and he had to be softer, more gentle, if he wanted to keep Jensen.  In essence, he’d needed to be two people, and, for a while, he’d managed to find a balance between those two Jareds.    
  
It hadn’t lasted though.   
  
The first time Jared felt the line blur had been when he’d seen Milo holding Jensen’s engagement ring. He hadn’t asked what the hell Milo had been doing going through his jacket, his mind too filled with rage at the thought of a homophobic prick like Milo touching it. Something so pure shouldn’t ever have been touched by Milo’s dirty, foul hands. His fist had been moving before he’d even realised what he was doing, and Milo had been sprawled out on the floor holding his nose a moment later.    
  
He hadn’t been able to bear the looks people had been throwing his way, and had quickly manufactured a story about a dead fiancée and a horrific car crash.  Horrified at himself, Jared had spent the rest of the afternoon with his head bent over a toilet.  He’d felt disgusted for the lie, but more than that, he’d felt sickened by the fact he’d had to apologise to someone like Milo.  And, for the first time, he’d actually resented Jensen for having such a perfect laugh.   
  
After that, he’d stopped trying so hard to keep the balance.   
  
Each day, a part of himself morphed into someone else, and he’d watched that person break Jensen a little bit more each day. One Jared had taken pleasure in having such power over Jensen, and the other Jared hadn’t been able to understand why no one had stopped him.  Why no one had told him he was wrong.  Why the hell hadn’t Chris fucking Kane come in on his white stallion and taken Jensen away?      
  
His best friend hadn’t fared much better than Jensen. Even though he and Chad had known each other since school, he’d never really looked at Jared with surprise or disgust. Probably because Chad had known everything there was to know about Jared, sweet puppy dog Jared, so there hadn’t been much he could to really shock him.    
  
But that had changed, on their second night out with Jared’s friends, when Jared had sat there cheerfully insulting Jensen’s t-shirts.  No one would’ve been able to miss the shock on Chad’s face, or how white his knuckles had turned where he’d gripped his beer bottle too tightly. A part of Jared had known that if even _Chad,_ _a self-proclaimed asshole,_ was stunned by his actions then Jared was really fucking up.  But again, like so many things back then, Jared had just brushed that aside as well. He’d just been having a little fun, and if Jensen had been annoyed, he should’ve said something.     
  
Jared hadn’t understood till later that Jensen hadn’t pissed, he’d been hurt, and when Jared had finally grasped that, he’d made sure to lock it up in the darkest corner of his mind.   
  
Even now, he doesn’t like to think about it - about how much he took away from Jensen that night. In fact, he keeps most of his thoughts about Jensen in that overcrowded, _overflowing_ , dark corner.  Just the memory of bruises _he_ put on Jensen’s pale skin is enough to break his heart.  It leaves him feeling empty and so fucking wrong, he can’t stand it.  And thinking of the way the light had slowly gone out in Jensen’s eyes, leaving them dull and sad, is almost too much to bear.     
  
He remembers a particularly bad night – one that had hit Jensen harder than the rest, and, even now, he still feels guilty about it. It had been his parents’ annual Christmas party, and he and Jensen had spent, at _most_ , five minutes together the whole evening.  Instead, Jared had spent the evening talking to a young woman named Alexis, and though Jared preferred men, he could still appreciate a beautiful woman.  And Alexis _really_ had been very beautiful.  A tease too, and his blood had thrummed through his veins, excitement and  anticipation quickening his pulse, at the thought of the challenge.    
  
Honestly, he’d been so caught up in flirting with the girl that he’d almost forgotten Jensen was even there. He’d hadn’t seen how Jensen had spent the evening sitting alone, downing glass after glass of whiskey and watching Jared from across the room.     
  
Of course, he’d thought it was a little odd when Jensen hadn’t uttered a single word on the drive home, but he’d just put it down to Jensen being tired and had taken the opportunity to talk a little more about how amazing Alexis was.  Young and smart and attractive, with an incredibly bright future ahead of her.  He’d failed to see how each compliment made Jensen shrink into himself more and more.   
  
When they’d gotten home, he’d carried on, completely oblivious, as Jensen searched for Tylenol with shaking hands and red cheeks. And it hadn’t been until they were climbing into bed, Jared still talking about Alexis, that he’d finally realised something was wrong.      
  
Jensen had suddenly snapped at him, his voice harsh, _“If you think that bitch is so fucking wonderful, why don’t you marry her instead?”_   
  
Jensen had been drunk.  More drunk than Jared had ever seen him, and Jared hadn’t quite been able to understand how he’d missed that.     
  
But shock aside, that had pissed Jared off and he hadn’t known what he’d been more annoyed about – Jensen saying he should marry someone else or Jensen calling Alexis a bitch. He’d soon discovered which, though, when he’d grabbed Jensen’s wrist as his fiancé reached for his glass of whiskey on the bedside table.      
  
_ “What did you just call her?” _ His hand had tightened around Jensen’s flesh, and some sick part of him had gotten some pleasure out of seeing the flash of pain on Jensen’s face.  But it had only lasted a second before he’d realised what he was doing.  He’d let Jensen go instantly, dropping his hand like it had burned him, and hadn’t even tried to stop Jensen turning his back on him.     
  
He’d stared at his hand, the one that had grabbed Jensen, for hours that, long after Jensen had fallen asleep.  But that hadn’t been what worried him, not really; no, it had been the look of uncertainty, _fear_ , on Jensen’s face when Jared had grabbed him. He’d known then that he hadn’t been the only one having doubts about their relationship.   
  
The next day, neither of them had spoken about it and it hadn’t come as a huge surprise when Jensen left for the poker night at Chris’ without indulging in their usual goodbye kiss.   Hell, in that moment, Jared hadn’t even been able to recall the last time they’d kissed properly, let alone had sex.   
  
He’d been glad when Jensen hadn’t invited him along, thankful that he wouldn’t have to see the disappointed look on Jensen’s face when he’d turned him down again.  He remembers some part of him had hoped that someone would notice the state of Jensen’s wrist - the ugly purple bruise already starting to appear on his skin. He’d prayed that someone would connect the dots and hide Jensen away from him. But his prayers had gone unanswered, just like all the rest, when Jensen had returned home and slept next to him that night.  All without touching him or saying a single word to him.   
  
Days went by, and he’d stopped even trying with Jensen. He’d snap at everything Jensen did wrong; he’d snipe about what Jensen ate; he’d insult him for no goddamn reason.  And Jensen had just let it happen.   
  
Things had gotten more uncomfortable around the flat then, and he’d started spending more time at work, welcoming the distraction.  Alexis turning up had just been a plus, and he hadn’t hesitated in taking her up on her offer for lunch.  He knows now that the old Jared would have, but then the old Jared wouldn’t have given up time with Jensen for anything, let alone to spend it with anyone else.    
  
He can’t remember much about the first time he’d fucked Alexis in the back of his car. He does know that all he saw when he was slamming into her were bright, green eyes and freckles on pale skin. He hadn’t opened his eyes again until long after she’d gone; he’d just sat there in his car, smelling sweat and expensive perfume and feeling nothing at all. He should’ve known then that he’d crossed a line he couldn’t come back from.   
  
After that first step over the line with Alexis, he’d continued his indiscretions and affairs, going so far as to flaunt them in front of Jensen, just to see if he could get a rise out of him.  But, of course, Jensen just had sat there like a faithful dog, taking kick after kick and still coming back for more.    
  
Jared knows now why Jensen had just sat there, and that knowledge is packed into that dark, dark place as well, as far from his thoughts as he can shove it.    
  
What Jared hadn’t realised back then was that he hadn’t just been losing Jensen, but Chad and Sandy as well.   
  
Sandy had been the first to walk away.   
  
He can’t even blame her for it, since he’d been the one to kiss her. They’d been sitting in her apartment, Sandy chatting about Jared’s upcoming wedding and how lucky he was to have someone as perfect as Jensen…and then he’d been kissing her. He still doesn’t know why he’d done it; just the thought of Jensen had made him panic. Understandably, Sandy hadn’t taken that very well and had thrown him out on his ass.   
  
Sometimes, he wonders if maybe he’d kissed Sandy because he’d thought she’d tell Jensen about it, but she never had and part of him is still mad at Sandy for that.   
  
Good old, loyal Chad stood by him even after he’d walked in on Jared fucking some blonde secretary in his office. Chad had just stood there, staring at him in shock, and, Jared thinks, that was the moment that Chad finally got it.  When he’d _finally_ realised that this wasn’t the same kid who’d gave him his chocolate milk all those years ago. Jared had expected the punch, but he’d surprised even himself when he’d hit Chad back. Chad’s horror stricken face was just another thing he’d added to that dark corner.   
  
But that’s not the worst memory – not by a long shot.  No, that spot’s reserved by a memory drenched in blood and painted across Jensen’s pale face.     
  
He’s not the person Jensen fell in love with anymore; he’s transformed himself into what everyone else needed him to be.  He’s the perfect son, perfect co-worker, perfect friend, and perfect husband. All so perfect, and none of them him.  The funny thing is though that while they’d all needed him to be perfect, Jensen never had.  He tries not to think about that either.   
  
Back then, he’d been so jealous of Jensen. He was smart and funny and gorgeous, and Jensen had never had to work for any of that. He’d made it all look so effortless, while Jared had had to work every day to even try to match up to him. And before he’d known what was happened, he’d begun resenting Jensen for who was.   
  
It had suddenly no longer been easy to be with Jensen. He’d found it difficult to kiss Jensen with his co-workers whispering how unnatural and disgusting it was in his ear at every opportunity, and every time he’d gone to cuddle Jensen, he’d  heard Katie’s cruel laughter.     
  
But that hadn’t been the worst of it. No, the worst had been when he’d gone to tell Jensen he loved him and seen his mother’s disappointed face. Jeff had always the better man.   
  
  
After a while, he’d simply stopped doing all those things.  He’d stopped trying to make it work between him and Jensen, and had started blaming everyone, _anyone,_ else but himself.   
  
Looking back over all his mistakes, he knows that, on some level at least, he’d wanted to chase Jensen away, but a bigger part of him had wanted to chain Jensen to him forever. He’d struggled with wanting Jensen and being disgusted by him.   
  
He understood now what he’d been afraid of back then - he’d been afraid of actually coming out to the world and admitting he was gay, one and for all. Sure, he’d slept with other men before meeting Jensen, but he’d never fallen in love with any of them, and he’d certainly never planned to marry them. Even in the beginning of their relationship, the idea of spending his life with _anyone_ had terrified him.   
  
He’s always been so desperate for people to like him, has always wanted to please his family and make them proud, ever since he was a little kid. He remembers when he’d first introduced Jensen to his mother, and the barely hidden look of repulsion on her face.  That look has stayed with him to this day.   
  
He’d thought about breaking it off with Jensen then, but the words had always gotten stuck in his throat. He hadn’t been able to stand the thought of Jensen not being there, let alone watching Jensen move on with someone.   
  
He wishes Jensen had been braver, had taken the decision out of Jared’s hands, and left.  But Jensen had stayed.   
  
He still doesn’t know why he had.   He likes to think that Jensen had stayed because he’d wanted to; he likes to think on the rare occasions that he wasn’t being an asshole, Jensen had been happy. He still remembers sitting sat up some nights in silence, just counting the freckles on Jensen’s nose and listening to him laugh.   
  
But those rare times had become even rarer as the months had worn on.   
  
He’d cheated.   
  
He’d insulted.   
  
He’d ignored.   
  
He’d lied.   
  
And, finally, he’d crossed that last line.   
  
  
_ Jared unlocked the front door to find Jensen sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands. The room was barely lit, and that was Jared’s first clue that something was very wrong. The next was the way Jensen was gripping his hair, damn near pulling it out at the root where his fingers were twisted around the strands.  _   
  
_ His first instinct was to walk back out - he’d been at work since six a.m. and he felt completely wiped - but he didn’t see why he had to leave just because Jensen was in one of his moods. So he dropped his briefcase onto the table by the door and made his way over to the fridge for a beer. Jensen didn’t even look up when Jared walked towards the sofa and stood in front of him. _   
  
_ “I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I?”  _   
  
_ Despite Jensen’s hands still covering his face, Jared heard him loud and clear. His gut twisted at the words, but he was just too damn tired to deal with this - he just wanted to go to bed, not deal with a bitchy Jensen.  _   
  
_ “Look, whatever your problem is, can we talk about it tomorrow?” _   
  
_ Jensen stood up so fast that Jared had to take a step back to keep from getting head-butted. Maybe that had been part of Jensen’s plan, but before he can ask, Jensen shoved something at him. Jared looked down and saw a woman’s bra in his hands.  _ _ Shit. _ _ Glancing up, he saw that Jensen’s eyes are bloodshot, like he’d not been sleeping, and he was just about to ask if Jensen slept at all last night when something stopped him.  Something dark and cruel curled inside him, hardening his heart, and he felt himself shrug.  If Jensen hadn’t been sleeping then that was no one’s fault but his own; it had nothing to do with Jared. _   
  
_ “Well, it’s not like you didn’t know I was fucking around.”  _   
  
_ Jensen let out a bitter laugh at that, reaching up to grip his hair again - a sure sign that he was trying to keep his temper in check, and suddenly Jared wanted to see it, wanted to see Jensen get mad and lose control.  He wanted to see Jensen be less than perfect for once in his goddamn life.  “Come on, Jensen, don’t you want to know who the better fuck was, you or them?” _   
  
_ Jensen flinched and looked away then, jaw tightening, but before Jared can feel any pleasure at that small victory, Jensen was pushing him hard in the chest. He tripped backward, only just catching himself before he hit the coffee table. “I turned a blind eye on you fucking every single slut that comes along, but I won’t stand by and let it happen in  _ _ our _ _ bed!”  _   
  
_ It was his turn to let out a humourless laugh then. _   
  
_ “Wow, Jensen, you really are something else,” he sneered, throwing the bra back at Jensen and moving in close enough that his breath ghosted over Jensen’s lips. “So you don’t give a shit if I fuck someone else, but you care if I fuck them in our bed?” Jensen shoved him away again, but this time Jared pushed back. “Come on, Jensen, tell me what you really think?”  _   
  
_ That seemed to be what Jensen had been waiting for because, less than a second after the words had left Jared’s mouth, he was being shoved up against the wall behind him.  _   
  
_ “You really want to know, Jared?” Jensen snarled, grabbing Jared’s his suit lapels and shaking him. “You keep trying to change me into something your precious mother will be happy with, but your mother is  _ _ never _ _ going to be happy because I’m a man, and, guess what, Jared, no matter how many women you fuck you’re still going to be...” Jensen moved in closer to whisper the next word right into Jared’s ear, “gay.”  _   
  
_ Jared’s whole body jerked like he’d been electrocuted, arms shooting up and knocking Jensen aside, and before he can even begin to think of a suitably scathing response, there’s an explosion of glass. _   
  


_Jensen was spread across the remains of their coffee table, lying in a sea of broken glass and twisted wood. Jared’s stomach turned over when he saw the blood already sinking through Jensen’s jeans as Jensen tried to get up._  
  
 _“I can’t do this anymore, Jared. I can’t keep waiting around for you to get your mother’s approval because she’ll_ _never_ _be proud of you.”  He watched as Jensen struggled to stand, hissing when his hands landed on yet more glass. “I deserve better than this.”_  
  
 **I deserve better than you**   
  
_Jared’s world turned an angry red, his head screaming for Jensen to shut up, shut up,_ _shut up._  
  
 _He didn’t hold back as he hauled Jensen forward, didn’t stop when Jensen’s skull glanced against the wooden cabinet with a sickening crack.  But at least Jensen was quiet now. At least he wasn’t saying those things anymore._  
  
 _When the red finally faded from his vision, he saw that Jensen was on the floor, blood dripping down his forehead and his face frighteningly pale.  Jared stared at the blood soaking into Jensen’s shirt and turning it scarlet._  
  
 _Jensen whimpered then, sounding more wounded animal than human, and touched his forehead.  His hand shook when he saw the blood painting his fingers, and some part of Jared knew he should’ve felt guilt at that, but he didn’t._  
  
 _Jensen should never have said all those lies in the first place._  
  
 _“Jared...”_  
  
 _Jensen tried to get up, but he didn’t get very far before his unsteady legs dropped him back down to the floor._  
  
 _Jared’s eyes drifted to the blood splattered across their cream sofa, and he idly wondered if it would wash out._  
  
 _“Jared, please, I need help. I can’t ..._ _please_ _.”_  
  
 _Jared’s gaze turned back to Jensen and he saw him trying to stand for a second time. Jared almost wanted to laugh - did Jensen_ _really_ _think he was going to help him after everything he’d just said?_  
  
 _“Well, Jensen, you’re just so perfect you can do anything, right? I’m sure you can manage to drive yourself to the hospital.” He watched, a cruel smile curling his lips, as Jensen collapsed onto the floor once again and more_ _blood dribbled onto the floorboards._  
  
 _“I’m sorry about what I said before; you know I didn’t mean anything by it.”_  
  
 _“You should’ve thought of that before you said it then.”_  
  
 _“Jared, I know, just please.  I’m…I’m losing a lot of blood.”_  
  
 _“Yeah, I can see that, Jensen,” Jared said, keeping his voice neutral despite the anger still swirling in his veins.  He couldn’t believe that, even now, covered in blood and_ _looking half dead , Jensen was still beautiful.  How was that even fucking possible?  “Red really isn’t your colour, sweetheart.”_  
  
 _Jensen flinched at that, looking up at Jared in confusion. “What are_ _you_ _doing_ _here, Jared?  There was a time when you wouldn’t have thought twice before grabbing your car keys,” Jensen said. He was breathing hard now, blood oozing steadily from his left leg to stain the floorboards. There was a shard of glass sticking out of his thigh, long and sharp and dangerous looking, and Jared felt his stomach flip.  Should he…maybe he should…no, Jensen had brought this on himself. “Seven years, Jared. Does that mean nothing to you?” _  
  
_Jensen’s eyes held Jared’s for just a moment before slipping away as he added, “When did you stop loving me?”_  
  
  
 _Jared couldn’t answer that because he never had; if he loved anyone, it was Jensen.  The question was, could Jared actually love anyone anymore?  Was he even_ _capable_ _of that anymore?_  
  
 _Silence descended between them then, and Jared wasn’t quite sure what Jensen was waiting for –_ _it couldn’t have been for a n answer, because Jensen had to have known that Jared didn’t have one for him._  
  
 _After a while, it got too much - the silence, the blood, the gnawing in his gut – and he had to get out of there._  
  
 _And before he knew it, he was in his office, standing behind his desk.  Back to the only thing that made sense in his life anymore -  work._  
  
 _It wasn’t until much later that Jared finally worked up the courage to go and clean up. He stepped into the kitchen to get some supplies and that was when he spotted it, sitting innocently on the counter like it wasn’t tearing his whole world apart just by being_ _there.  Licking suddenly dry lips, he picked it up and stared down at it in his palm – Jensen’s ring.  A tiny band of gold that had once symbolised nothing but love and devotion, but now just spoke of all the ways he’d let Jensen down._  
  
He’d spent hours scrubbing Jensen’s blood off the wooden floors and picking up shards of broken glass that were sticky and red. Once he was done, he’d looked down to see that his hands were stained crimson; he’d barely made it to the bathroom before he’d thrown up.  He’d stayed in there for hours, covered in blood, vomit and sweat, tears running down his face.   
  
He hadn’t just lost Jensen and Chad that night.  
  
He’d lost himself.  
  
He’d thrown himself into his work after that, and it had paid off once his father retired. Jared had finally become the managing director at the law firm, and while he’d been happy about it, it had felt like a rather hollow victory when he’d had no one to share the news with.  No brilliant smile, no warm hug, no proud words – none of the things Jensen would’ve given him had he been there with him.  
  
It’d gotten easier over time, to not think of Jensen and their lost future together, especially after his mother introduced him to Genevieve Cortese.  He wishes he could say Gen is the villain of this story, but that wouldn’t be true or fair to her. She’s sassy and fun and absolutely gorgeous, and if he’d never met Jensen, he’s sure he could’ve been very happy with her.  
  
She’d been the best choice for him anyway - he hadn’t been able to stand the idea of dating another man, so choosing a woman was logical.  It hadn’t taken long before his mother had started hinting about marriage, so Jared had bitten the bullet and bought a ring. But, unsurprisingly, asking Gen to marry him had been nothing like asking Jensen. With Gen, he’d booked a fancy restaurant to do it, whereas, with Jensen, they’d been sat at home in front of the TV drinking beer and sharing a bowl of popcorn.  He hadn’t felt the slightest flutter of nerves with Gen, but, with Jensen, he’d had to change his shirt three times before he’d been happy with it.  And, even then, he’d been jittery and on edge all evening until he’d finally managed to pop the question.  
  
The biggest difference, though, was the most important one - with Gen, his heart hadn’t really been in it.  With Gen, she hadn’t been the one he wanted.  
  
 _“Gen, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you?”_  
  
 ** _“Jen...I was wondering, uh, if you would...”_**  
  
 _“What is it?”_  
  
 ** _“Are you blushing?”_**  
  
 _“Well, we’ve known each other for a while now.”_  
  
 ** _“What? No! It’s just hot.”_**  
  
 _“Yes?”_  
  
 ** _“Should I be worried that you’re getting hot at watching ‘Lion Man’?”_**  
  
 _“And I think it’s about time we got married.”_  
  
 ** _“That’s just gross, Jensen, and you’re gross for even thinking it.”_**  
  
 _“Huh?  I always thought when someone asked me to marry them, they’d sound a little more excited about it.”_  
  
 ** _“Well, I’m not the one getting turned on by lions, or is it th-”_**  
  
 _“I am excited, Gen.”_  
  
 ** _“Marry me.”_**  
  
 _“Really, Jared? Because at the moment you sound anything_ _but_ _happy about this.”_  
  
 ** _“Did you just ask me to...?”_**  
  
 _“Look, do you want to get married or not?”_  
  
 ** _“You’re it for me, Jensen.”_**  
  
 _“Wow, Jared, you really know how to sweep a girl off her feet.”_  
  
 ** _“Jared, I...are you sure?”_**  
  
 _“Fine.  Just forget I said anything.”_  
  
 ** _“I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t. Please say you want to marry me?”_**  
  
 _“I didn’t_ _mean to upset you, Jared; it’s just I pictured this going a little differently that’s all. But, if you’re sure, then I’d love to marry you.”_  
  
 ** _“There’s nothing in this world that I want more, Jared.”_**  
  
 _“Good, that’s settled then. I wasn’t sure what type of ring you’d want, so I thought you and I could go and pick one out tomorrow.”_  
  
 ** _“I promise, Jen, that I’ll make you the happiest man alive.”_**  
  
 _“Oh, okay.  That’d be fine.”_  
  
 ** _“You already do, Jared.”_**  
  
 _“Then we can stop by my parents’ house and tell them.”_  
  
 ** _“Do you want to go out and celebrate?”_**  
  
 _“Of course.”_  
  
 ** _“I do."_**  
  
Jensen had spent the whole day saying ‘I do’ to everything Jared asked, and Jared had never gotten tired of hearing it.  
  
And even though he hadn’t married Jensen, he hadn’t been able to keep from imaging what their wedding would’ve been like.   
  
Jensen hadn’t liked people making a fuss and spending money, so they’d probably have had a private wedding in their backyard and the reception at the local bar where Sandy worked. Chris and Steve would’ve done the music and Chad would’ve delivered a crude, but sweet, best man’s toast while Jared sat watching it all with his hand in Jensen’s and a smile on his face.   
  
His real wedding had been nothing like that – wealth and opulence had dripped from every part of it, and there had been a fleet of reporters waiting outside at the door for them. Jared suspects that’s one of the reasons his mother had chosen Genevieve for him – the press coverage it would bring the firm.  
  
But that had been years ago now, and he hadn’t thought of Jensen or his former friends since that day.  Not during his waking hours anyway.  And it hadn’t been until Gen had moved that damn lamp that all the memories had coming flooding back as he’d sat there, staring, _memorised_ , by that speck of dried blood.  
  
The only thing he had left of Jensen.  
  
When he’d come home from work that evening to see a new set of lamps in the living room, he’d felt an overwhelming need to rescue the lamp from the garbage. Gen had never asked why he’d retrieved it, or why Jared hadn’t been able to tear his eyes away from it since.  
  
The guilt and self-hatred that had crept along his skin at each new memory that surfaced had been unbearable, building and building until he hadn’t been able take it anymore and he’d finally realised what he had to do. He had to see Jensen.  
  
He had to hear the goddamn laugh that started this whole mess.  
  
Jared honestly hadn’t expected tracking him down to be so fucking difficult, but if he’d been in Chris’ shoes, he would’ve moved Jensen to the ends of the earth so he’d not been that surprised.  
  
He’d had no doubt that Jensen was with Chris and Steve.  And he’s pretty sure that Steve had been the one to collect Jensen things, because Chris would’ve waited for him so he could wring his neck.  
  
He’d chased down so many leads on Jensen, but each one had come up empty.  Chris had clearly put a lot of effort into keeping Jensen hidden.  
  
After a while, he’d decided to try a different tactic – Chad.   
  
He hadn’t been prepared for how difficult it would be to knock on that door, though.   He’d had to wipe his sweaty hands on his pants a million times before he’d been able to work up the courage to do it, and when he finally had, every ounce of courage had drained away again at the look Chad had given him.  
  
He hadn’t expected to be greeted with a grin or anything, obviously, but that look of hostility on Chad’s face had gotten his blood up.  So he’d donned the mask he wore every day, and treated Chad like he treated everyone else.   He hadn’t been able to hide his shock, though, at seeing that baby in Sophia’s arms.   
  
His childhood best friend had had a baby and hadn’t told him.  
  
His temper had ended up getting the better of him, and before he knew what was doing, he’d had Chad pinned up against the door. And he hadn’t stopped, not even when he’d caught the spark of fear in Chad’s eyes, because he’d needed answers.  No one was going to stop him from seeing Jensen again. But Chad had surprised him, not giving an inch and ordering him off his property.  
  
  
After that, he’d almost despaired at ever finding Jensen again; that was, until Fate had finally intervened and dropped everything he’d needed to know right in his lap.  
  
And, strangely, it had all thanks to Megan, who knows absolutely nothing about what went down between him and Jensen.  It had been during their weekly phone call – he’d made her a promise the day he’d left for college that he’d call her every week, and he has yet to break it; actually, it’s pretty much the only promise he’s ever kept – that it had all come to a head.  
  
He’d called her up, as per usual, and the conversation had been just like all the others – how are you doing? How’s your boyfriend? How’s school? – right up until she’d started to talk about her first art show. He’d been stunned into silence then, and he’d had ask her to repeat the name a couple of times before it had finally sunk in.  She’d sounded cautious when she’d said it, like she’d been worried about upsetting him, and he hadn’t been surprised.  He’d told his family that he and Jensen had broken up after Jensen had got a better job offer and they’d both agreed they didn’t want a long distance relationship.  
  
Honestly, he’d been surprised by how cut up his dad and Megan had been about it, and a little angry too that his dad had seemed more upset about this than he had about Jared leaving for college. His mother had looked delighted though, and that had been enough to convince Jared that he’d done the right thing.  Probably.    
  
He’d gotten Megan to tell him where the gallery was located, and as soon as he’d hung up, Jared had dropped everything to drive six hours to a town in the middle of nowhere.  
  
 _It was a cheery town with only a handful of shops and cafes. It wasn’t really much to look at after coming down from the big city, but the place did have a friendly feel about it._  
  
 _The gallery was no different – friendly and welcoming - and he was greeted warmly by an older man, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who was replacing a light fixture over one of the pictures. “Sam’ll be out in a minute, kid,’ he called down from the ladder, so Jared nodded his thanks and left Jeff to it.  As he waited, he walked around the gallery, looking at each of the photographs in turn – some of them were actually pretty good. He came up short when he saw a photograph he knew very well._  
  
 _“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”_  
  
 _Jared jumped when he heard a soft female voice from behind him. He turned round and came face to face with an attractive woman, who he guessed was the owner of the gallery. Her eyes still hadn’t drifted away from the photograph, though, and Jared felt mildly insulted that she’d clearly rather look at that than him. But he let it pass because insulting the woman wasn’t going to get him what he needed._  
  
 _“Yeah, it is,” he said, turning back to the image. “Do you know, Jensen?” He knew he’d made a mistake when he saw her shoulders stiffen._  
  
 _“Yes.” At last, she turned her attention to him, but now he really didn’t want it, not when she was giving him such a guarded look._  
  
 _He knew he had to choose his words very carefully here, because he really didn’t want to get kicked out. So, since it was pretty unlikely this woman knew anything about Jensen’s past, Jared felt he was probably safe weaving a lie with the truth. “He’s an old college buddy of_ _mine,” he explained, even managing to throw a small smile in at the end, hoping it would make him seem more genuine…more trustworthy._  
  
 _And it worked too, because she immediately_ _smiled back at him “Well, it’s a pleasure to meet any friend of Jensen’s,” she replied, holding out her hand to him. “Samantha Morgan.”_  
  
 _“Jared Padalecki.”_  
  
 _They shook hands once before she turned her attention back to the frozen lake. “Tell me, Jared, what was Jensen like back then?”_  
  
 _It was an odd question, unexpected, and Jared couldn’t help the nervous laugh he let out in response._ _Get it together, Jared_ _, he thought, giving himself a quick mental shake_ _before finally managing to answer in a calmer voice, “The same as he is now, I guess.”_  
  
 _He watched Sam’s smile fall right off her face.  “I highly doubt that.” She glanced back towards him and said, “You two didn’t keep in touch then?”_  
  
 _Of course, now all his thoughts were consumed with how much he’d changed Jensen, but somehow he managed to keep that from showing. “No, we fell out of contact a few years back. Does he live around here then?”_  
  
 _Everything was hanging on this one answer._  
  
 _“Yeah, he and his buddies moved in about three years ago.”_  
  
 _Well, that answered half his question; now he just had to found out where now._  
  
 _“Really? I don’t suppose_ _you know whereabouts?” Her guard immediately went back up at that, and he knew he had to think fast if he wanted to salvage this conversation. “You don’t have to say, obviously, but it would be really nice to catch up with him.”_  
  
 _She let out a sigh then, brushing her hair back from her face, and said, “Look, Jared, you seem like a really nice guy but, you see, Jensen’s not the same guy you knew from college.  Maybe it’s best you leave him alone.”_  
  
 _“What do you mean?”_  
  
 _“Well, it’s not really any of my business, but I will say this - Jensen is a_ _very_ _secretive person.  I mean, he wasn’t even the one to show me his portfolio, and after looking at his photographs, I’d expected someone so full of life but...” she trailed off, seemingly lost in the memory for a moment, before she continued, “when I first met him, I knew right away why Chris and Steve acted the way they did.  Why they stood watching him every second, like they were afraid he’d disappear if they looked away.” She let out a sad laugh that matched the mournful look in her eyes. “That boy had something awful happen to him.”_  
  
 **Yeah, me _, Jared thought before he could stop himself._**   
  
_“He’s come a long way, though, since our first meeting, and I hope in the future that_ _I’ll get to put on an exhibit of his photographs.” The smile returned to her lips as she added, “He’s really very talented.” _  
  
_“Yeah, he…” Jared paused, suddenly_ _unsure as to why they were speaking in the past tense. “Why don’t you just put on a show now?” _  
  
_“He doesn’t take photographs anymore.”_  
  
 _Jared froze.  That couldn’t…that couldn’t be true, could it?  No…_  
  
 _But then his mind flashed on that broken camera and those hurt,_ _broken_ _, green eyes._  
  
 _God, this was all his fault - he hadn’t just ruined Jensen but killed the man’s dream as well.  He had to fix this._  
  
 _“I know you probably think it’s a terrible idea giving out Jensen address to a complete stranger but I think...no, I_ _know_ _I can help him.”_  
  
 _“I’m not sure...”_  
  
 _“Look, I promise I’m not some serial killer or anything; I just want to help.” She turned sharp eyes on to him, then, and stood staring at him –_ _assessing_ _him – for the longest time. Jared had just started to feel uncomfortable at the close scrutiny when she finally gave him a nod and walked over to her handbag._  
  
 _“Yeah, okay.”_  
  
 _He wanted to hug her, but he didn’t think she or Jeff would be very impressed by that so he just settled on giving her a grateful smile as she walked back over to him._  
  
 _“Just don’t tell Chris or Steve where you got this from,” she said as she passed over the small card he’d taken from her bag. “I doubt even Jeff could stop Chris from killing me if he found out.” It’s said as a joke_ _, naturally, but Jared couldn’t help the chill that ran down his spine all the same. _  
  
He pulls up to a rundown beach house, that’s in desperate need of a new coat of paint, and sees one of Jensen’s bodyguards out front. Well, at least it’s not Chris.  
  
Steve had always been easy going when Jared had known him, but now Jared sees the hardness around the man’s eyes and knows without a doubt that he’s the cause.  
  
He stands there as the insults fly his way, and once again his anger gets the better of him.  But Steve stands his ground, just like Chad had, and threatens him with the cops as well.   It’s an effective threat, all in all, since Jared really can’t risk the upset that an arrest would cause his family, and it’s enough to get him to drive away again.   
  
As he pulls away from the house, he wonders if Jensen knows how lucky he is to have all these people protecting him when Jared has no one.  
  
****  
Having finally run out of options, Jared drives back down the next day and starts asking around about Jensen. Some people look at him like he’s crazy – understandably - while others just say they’ve never heard of him. He finally gets lucky towards the ends of the day when a young girl tells him that Jensen’s her English Literature professor at the college down the street. He almost wants to argue with her about it, because there’s just no way that his Jensen – who’s shy and hates big crowds - would sign up to teach a bunch of teenagers. But then he remembers that he doesn’t know this Jensen anymore, so he gets in his car and drives towards the college.  
  
He parks in the parking lot and waits.  
  
He’s tempted to just go inside and find Jensen, but this all might end with Jensen screaming at him to fuck off and Jared would rather that didn’t happen in front of witnesses. So he waits.  
  
He sits there planning what he’s going to say, right up until he spots a tall blond leaving the building. His heart catches in his throat as he watches Jensen walk past his car, and he can’t look away.  He’s still beautiful – of course, he is - but Jared can’t ignore the way Jensen’s clothes are hanging off his overly slim frame, or the sharpness of his shoulder blades or the hollowness of his cheeks. Jared’s moving before he even thinks about it, because he has to make this right.  
  
“Jensen.”  
  
Of the many reactions he’d thought Jensen would have at seeing him again, this isn’t one of them. Jensen freezes, his body shaking and his face turning an alarming shade of white as he whirls around.   
  
_No_ , Jared thinks, _this isn’t right_.  He doesn’t want Jensen to be afraid of him.  
  
“Hi.” He feels stupid saying it, but he has to get Jensen to relax. But Jensen isn’t even looking at him, his eyes fixed on the pavement, and that worries Jared more than the shaking.  
  
“Look at me, Jensen,” he says quietly, and when Jensen still doesn’t raise his eyes, Jared grabs him by the arms. He can feel Jensen’s bones beneath his hands, and his heart clenches at just how fragile Jensen has become. “Please look at me, Jen.” He tries to ignore that Jensen’s shaking even harder than before as he adds, _pleads_ , “Why won’t you look at me?”   
  
“I can’t.”   
  
His blood runs cold at the deadness in Jensen’s voice.  
  
“Get your fucking filthy hands off him, Padalecki, before I rip them off.”  
  



	5. Chapter Five.

_We all have a weakness  
_ _but some of ours are easy to identify.  
Look me in the eye and ask for forgiveness;  
we’ll make a pact to never speak that word again.  
Yes, you are my friend. – Incubus ‘Dig’_  
  
 _“Now, Christian, you have to understand that sometimes love just isn’t enough.”_  
  
That was the last thing his father had ever said to him.  
  
Chris has no problem saying that he hates his father, because he truly does. He doesn’t have many memories of the man; some vague ones of a kind man who used to tickle his belly and smell like peppermint, but that’s it.   
  
That’s not why he hates him, though.  No, he hates him for the one crystal clear memory he _does_ have of him.  The one of him packing his suitcase, whispering those hateful words and walking out the front door.  
  
Chris had crawled up to his window that night and sat there waiting and waiting for his dad’s beat up red car to pull back up in front of their house.  But it never had.   Not that night, or any of the other countless nights he’d sat up waiting.  
  
Chris hadn’t understood, back then, what his father’s words had meant, but now he knows they’d meant ‘goodbye’.  And what a shitty goodbye they’d been.  
  
Being so young, he hadn’t got why his mom started to change after that.   He hadn’t understood why she hadn’t been able to look at him anymore; why the rosy tint of her cheeks had faded just a little more each day; why he’d fallen asleep to a soundtrack of sobbing every night.     
  
Even after all this time, he still doesn’t know why his father left, or why his mother used a shotgun to leave him too, less than a month later.  
  
Chris had left home after that, and he’s never been back.  He’d gone to live with his aunt and uncle; they’d been good people, but she wasn’t his mom and he’d never smelled of peppermint.  
  
In the wake of all that, he’d shut himself off completely.   He can admit that he’d been a holy terror as a child – throwing tantrums, toys, anything he could get his grubby little paws on – and he’s surprised his aunt even kept him.   He’d just been so mad all the time, at _everything_.  Everyone had let him down, and right then and there, he’d promised himself that he’d never care about anything again.  That way, he’d never have to know that kind of pain ever again.    
  
Too bad he’d met Jensen Ackles less than a year later.  
  
Most people don’t remember their first day of preschool, but Chris does.  Those bright, green eyes will be forever burned into his memory, along with that toothy smile.  He’d found something that day that he’d lost when his parents abandoned him, and he planned to keep it.  
  
Jensen might think Chris is the one who saved him, but Chris knows it was the other way around.  Without Jensen, he’s sure he would’ve tumbled down a much darker path in life, perhaps dark enough to mirror his mom’s.  And for that, Jensen will always own a piece of Chris’ heart, a piece of his _soul_ , till the day Chris dies.    
  
He knows people find their relationship strange, _messed up_ even, but he doesn’t give a damn because it’s just him and Jensen.  Period.  
  
But what does annoy him is when people ask why they never ended up together. What they don’t, and never will, understand is that what he and Jensen have is something so much more than friendship, and Chris wouldn’t risk ruining that for _anything_.  
  
Of course, Chris is no angel – far from it, in fact – and he’d be lying if he said he’d never thought of Jensen like that.  If he said he’d never thought of those full lips wrapped around his…  
  
Yeah, he’s no angel, and watching Jensen turn into a beautiful person, inside and outside, has made him seriously uncertain about their relationship.  
  
He’s never made a move, but he thinks that if he’d met Jensen in college, he probably would’ve done. But he hadn’t, so whenever he looks at Jensen’s gorgeous eyes and long, lean body, he also sees a much younger Jensen sticking Legos up his nose.  
  
And that kid brings out every protective instinct he has.  
  
What if he’d had kept Jensen for himself?  Would Jensen have still met Jared? Would he still have fallen for him?   
  
And the biggest what if of all - if Chris had been with Jensen, would he still feel what he does for Steve?  
  
Chris has _never_ doubted his love for Jensen - he’d follow the guy to hell and back if Jensen asked him to - but meeting Steve has shown him that maybe he can share his heart with two people.  
  
When he’d first met Steve, the dude had honestly annoyed the heck of him. He’d just seemed so serious and miserable, barely cracking a smile, so Chris had made it his mission to get Steve to laugh as often as possible.  Obviously, it hadn’t taken all that much effort, since, as it turned out, Steve hadn’t been moody at all.  Just thoughtful - a man of few words.   
  
He doesn’t like to compare Steve and Jensen, but he can’t help it sometimes.  They’re just so different – like night and day.  Jensen makes Chris feel alive, every smile brightening his days just that little bit more, whereas Steve brings him peace and calm and a bone deep contentment he never thought he’d ever feel.  
  
At first, he’d been cautious about letting Steve in, because it had just been him and Jensen for just so long and he’d always thought he only needed Jensen.  But the more time he’d spent with the man, the more he’d realised how much he wanted Steve in his life.  Maybe not _needed_ , but definitely wanted.   
  
Steve had soon become to be a fixture in his life and he’d quickly come to rely on him. Of course, it hadn’t been long before Chris started to feel more than friendship for him, feelings that had only grown once he discovered that Steve shared his love of music.       
  
Music.  The only thing that had never let Chris him down.  
  
Chris spent most of his teenage years working in a music store down the street from school. Before that, he hadn’t really thought of music as anything but a way to make a few extra bucks, but then he’d picked up a guitar from the rack.  Something had changed that day; nothing had felt as right as that guitar in his hands.  But it hadn’t been till he met Steve that he ever considered he could have a career in it.  Steve had convinced Chris to have singing lessons, which Chris had really fucking hated, but it was worth it.    
  
To be able to get up on a beer stained stage and play his heart out to whoever will listen…well, that’s just about the best thing in the world. He’s never been able to put that feeling into words – that high he gets every time he performs – but it’s something amazing.  Something he craves every minute of his life with every fibre of his being.  
  
He just never imagined he’d ever have to choose between his music and Jensen - the two things he loves the most in his life – but that’s exactly what happened.    
  
There hadn’t really been a choice, of course; Chris loves music, but not as much as he loves Jensen.  Even so, he’s not sure he’ll ever really forgive Jensen for making him to choose…or forgive himself for blaming Jensen for something that wasn’t his fault.   
  
_“Fucking hell, give me a sec...” He tripped as he tried to pull up his jeans on his way to the front_ _door. He didn’t think his surprise guest would be too thrilled if he answered in the nude. Finally dressed, or dressed_ _enough_ _for this time of night, he swung open the door._  
  
 _As soon as he saw what was on the other side, he staggered back, the wind completely knocked out of him._  
  
 _What the fuck?_  
  
 _“Jensen?”_  
  
 _His heart squeezed painfully as his_ _bloodied visitor nodded his head slowly. He couldn’t move as he stared at the blood dripping down Jensen’s face from an ugly gash on his forehead. His hands curled up into fists as his hallway carpet started to turn a deep, dark crimson beneath Jensen’s feet._  
  
 _He tried to speak_ _but he couldn’t get the words past the lump in his throat, and his silence only seemed to make Jensen hunch over even more.  Like he was trying to hide. The numbness flooding Chris’ body instantly ignited into anger._  
  
 _“What the fuck happened?"_  
  
 _Jensen’s whole body began to shake, and Chris’ jaw tightened. “Jensen, where is Ja-.” He_ _didn’t get to finish because that was when Jensen’s legs suddenly gave way, and Chris was too busy reaching out to catch him before Jensen’s knees hit the floor.  He tried to ignore the blood oozing onto his skin as he wrapped his arms around Jensen’s waist and held him close, but there was just so much of it. So much of it everywhere. “I need you to tell me if Jared’s hurt as well?”_  
  
 _A hundred different scenarios raced through his head – had they been in a car crash? Had they been mugged? Had there been a break in at their apartment? His blood ran cold as Jensen began sobbing against his bare chest, and he didn’t think twice before pulling his best friend closer._  
  
 _Just hearing Jensen cry made Chris’ heart ache and his own eyes sting – he needed to fix whatever had happened, right now. There were only two things in the world that could make Jensen fall apart like this, and since_ _he_ _was fine, Chris could only assume that something had happened to Jared.  Or that Jared had hu…no, that just wasn’t possible._  
  
 _He looked down at Jensen’s blood stained face then, before gently wiping away the tears on Jensen’s cheeks and saying, “Just let me get my car keys and we can go get you checked out at the hospital.” He guided Jensen down to rest on the carpet and stood up, only to crouch back down immediately when Jensen let out a pained hiss.  He grabbed Jensen’s hands from where his best friend had pressed them into the carpet for support, and let out a horrified gasp when he saw his palms.  There were pieces of glass everywhere, sticking out of almost every inch of skin._  
 _God…what the hell had done this?_  
  
 _He knew he couldn’t wait any longer, so he stood up and wrapped his arm around Jensen’s waist again to help him into the apartment. After gently_ _guiding him down onto the sofa, Chris ran off to find his keys._  
  
 _In his bedroom, he threw on a shirt and was just grabbing his keys when he heard a low whisper from the other room._  
  
 _“Jared...he…he isn’t hurt.”_  
  
 _A part of Chris wanted to cheer that Jared was okay, but an even bigger part of him was wondering where the fuck Jared was then. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath as he waited for Jensen to continue._  
  
 _“He did…”_  
  
 _Chris stumbled back onto his bed like he’d been physically pushed._  
  
 _What did Jensen_ _just_ _say?_  
  
 _His heart thumped loudly in his chest, his mind reeling as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on._  
  
 _Jensen couldn’t possibly be saying what Chris_ _thought_ _he was saying, right? This was Jared they talking about, for fuck’s sake?_  
  
 _He felt sick at just the thought of Jared hurting Jensen in any way, let alone him doing_ _this_ _to him. He rubbed his clammy palms on his jeans, completely unsure what to do next,_ _before making a decision and reaching for his cell on the bedside table.  He dialled the number of the only person who could help him now: the only other person in the world who would understand._  
  
 _“Chris, it’s_ _one a.m,” Steve groaned down the line, sounding tired and more than a little pissed off about being woken up._  
  
 _“I’m sorry I...” Chris swallowed. “I don’t know...”_ if I’m strong enough to handle this.  Please tell me what to do?  
  
 _“What’s wrong?”_  
  
 _Chris almost wanted to laugh -_ _w_ _hat_ wasn’t _wrong about all this?_  
  
 _“It’s...”_  
  
 _And what was he_ _supposed to say?  He could barely even think about it, let alone put it into words._  
  
 _“Is Jensen okay?”_  
  
 _“I don’t know,” he said, because that was the truth_ _.  For the first time ever, he really didn’t know what Jensen was thinking, and that was absolutely terrifying because…because what if Jensen_ wasn’t _okay?_  
  
 _“Look, I’m about ten minutes away so just stay... calm.”_  
  
 _Easier said than done,_ _Chris thought, as he felt his world collapsing all around him._  
  
 _He kept his cell to his ear, listening to Steve speed his way across town.  He concentrated on that, on every curse Steve let out when he hit a red traffic light or someone got in his way, instead of imagining what had gone down tonight.  Even so, he couldn’t_ _help but let out a sigh of relief when he heard a knock on the door –_ _thank God_ _– and he quickly got up to answer it.  Everything would be okay now; Steve would know what to do._  
  
 _Steve was obviously as worried as Chris because he knocked a second time before Chris managed to get there. It was louder this time – longer_ _too - with an edge of frantic urgency bleeding into the wood that made Chris hurry the last few steps.  He looked back over his shoulder at Jensen as he turned the door handle and his stomach lurched –  he’d been so damn preoccupied by the blood dripping from Jensen’s head that he’d totally overlooked the huge fucking shard of glass sticking out of his best friend’s thigh…fuck, they really needed to get Jensen to the hospital now._  
  
 _Steve barrelled in the moment Chris pulled open the door, immediately grabbing Chris and letting his eyes roam over his body.  Checking for injuries._  
  
 _‘I’m fi…’ Chris started, but he trailed off when he saw the blood drain from Steve’s face.  He knew Steve had just caught sight of the actual reason Chris had called him, lying on the couch covered in blood._  
  
 _“Is that...?”_  
  
 _“Yeah.”_  
  
 _“Why the hell isn’t_ _he at the hospital, Chris?” Steve hissed, shoving past him to check on Jensen. “Shit! What the hell were you waiting for? For him to bleed out on your fucking couch?!” Chris flinched, but Steve paid him no mind, instead turning his attention back to Jensen._  
  
 _“Keep your voice down,” Chris whispered as he knelt down in front of the sofa.  He reached out to touch Jensen, to pull him close and hold him, but before he got within an inch of him, Jensen shrank back so fast he almost toppled off the couch.   Chris’ jaw tightened and he dropped his hands into his lap – if Jared had done this…then, by_ _god_ _, Chris was going to make him pay._  
  
 _Chris was going to rip him apart._  
  
 _He felt useless, just sitting there with his hands in his lap, but Jensen obviously didn’t want Chris touching him right then. But maybe…_  
  
 _Chris started humming under his breath, a tune he and Jensen had known since they were kids, as he reached out again.  This time, Jensen didn’t pull away when Chris’ fingers curled around the back of his neck, and, after a moment, he even leaned into the touch._  
  
 _Chris looked up then, surprised to find Steve watching him instead of Jensen; something flashed in the man’s eyes, just for an instant, then it was gone._  
  
 _“Chris, we have to get him to the hospital.” Steve’s voice was gentler this time, but no less urgent._  
  
 _“Jensen?” Jensen tensed beneath his hand before lifting his head to look at Chris.  “We need to get you to the hospital,”_ _Chris said with a soft smile, even as his stomach turned at the smear of blood across Jensen’s left cheekbone. “Can you stand?” It took a few moments, but Jensen finally nodded.  So Chris gently – so fucking gently like he was handling spun glass – helped him to his feet. With an arm around Jensen’s waist, he let Jensen lean on his body as they headed to the door._  
  
 _Steve’s face was ghostly white as he watched Chris and Jensen stumble towards the door, and Chris couldn’t blame him.  Jensen was shaking so hard his teeth were rattling in his skull, and they were leaving a trail of blood behind them.  It was a fucking horror_ _show and no mistake._  
  
 _“What the hell happened to him, Chris?”_  
  
 _Chris swallowed down the bile that rose to his throat at that, because he honestly couldn’t believe he was about to say this._ _He_ honestly _couldn’t believe he was about to name the one person, besides himself,_ _on the whole goddamn planet that he’d thought would never hurt Jensen. _“Jared.”__  
  
After that, he’d had to listen to some nurse explain how they’d been forced to sedate Jensen, and how they’d wanted to keep a close eye on him for the next couple of days. And Chris had known, even without her needing to say it, that she hadn’t just been talking about Jensen’s injuries.  
  
Both he and Steve had to endure countless suspicious looks that night, judgmental, scathing glances from those in the waiting room who thought _they’d_ hurt Jensen, and that had just made it all so much worse.  As if Chris hadn’t already blamed himself enough for all this.    
  
And when they’d finally been let in to see Jensen, Jensen had…he’d fucking _covered_ for that bastard.  He’d told them all – right to their fucking faces – that he’d gotten dizzy at the apartment and fallen into the table.  Chris can’t remember ever being as mad at Jensen as he’d been right at that moment.    
  
He’d been fucking livid.  
  
And the only thing that had stopped him from storming out of that hospital and right to Jared’s door had been Steve.  
  
 _“Jensen needs you now, more than ever, so forget about that bastard and just focus on him.”_  
  
And, fuck, Steve had been right.  Jensen had been…broken.  He’d hardly spoken, hardly eaten, hardly even breathed those first few days, and Chris had been equally as lost.  Every day, it had felt like Jensen was drifting even further away from him, and, looking back on it, Chris thinks he would’ve just let himself drift away with him had it not been for Steve.  
  
Steve - his pillar, his rock – had been the one to pull him back.  
  
 _Another day spent in that uncomfortable chair, watching Jensen twist and turn in his sleep. Chris was going mad.  Seeing Jensen lying there, damn near skeletal and connected to a million goddamn tubes.  Fuck, the white sheets held more colour than Jensen’s cheeks…and Chris just couldn’t handle it anymore._  
  
 _He jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder, and he looked up to see Steve standing next to him.  He hadn’t even heard him come in; god, he was really losing it._  
  
 _“You need to go home, Chris,” Steve said, taking a seat beside him, and Chris almost wanted to laugh because his home was right here.  Lying comatose in this fucking hospital bed. Steve must’ve caught on to what he was thinking because he let it drop._  
  
 _It was silent for a long time then, just the two of them keeping vigil while Jensen slept…keeping him safe. Until it wasn’t enough anymore and Jensen started to moan and whimper in his bed, haunted_ _by nightmares even Chris couldn’t protect him from._  
  
 _“Do you think Jensen will ever be the same?”_  
  
 _Steve didn’t answer him and suddenly Chris couldn’t breathe anymore._  
  
 **“Thank you.”**  
  
 _Tears rolled down his face._  
  
 **“My name’s Jensen”**  
  
 _He bent forward, grabbing his tightening chest._  
  
 **“You have really nice eyes; they’re like the sky.”**  
  
 _He felt like he was suffocating._  
  
 **“Chris, did you even study? And before you ask, no, I’m not letting you cheat off me.”**  
  
 _He let out a harsh sob._  
  
 **“I just wanted them to be proud of me, you know.”**  
  
 _He tried to take a breath, but it was like all the air had gone out of the room._  
  
 **“I’m not drinking that; what the fuck did you even put in it? That’s just disgusting, Kane.”**  
  
 _He covered his face with his hands._  
  
 ** _“I think I might be falling for him, Chris.”_**  
  
 _And screamed._  
  
 ** _“You’re my family.”_**  
  
 _Screamed until he tasted blood._  
  
 ** _“Well, Chris, you’re stuck with me now so suck it up.”_**  
  
 _His whole body started to tremble and all he could do was..._  
  
 ** _“What would you do without me?”_**  
  
 _Cry._  
  
****   
   
   
That night he’d been sure he was going to drown in it all, but somehow Steve had kept him afloat.  
  
He’d made the choice that night – the choice between his music career and Jensen – and he’d fully expected Steve to walk out on him for it.  But he hadn’t.  No, he’d stayed and Chris will never be able to put into words how grateful he is for that.  Especially given how hard it had been dealing with Jensen once they took him home.   
  
The doctor at the hospital had told them Jensen was showing signs of PTSD – as if it hadn’t been goddamn obvious – and given them a whole slew of pills to shove down Jensen’s throat every day.  But they hadn’t helped, and neither had the therapy sessions because Jensen had simply refused to talk about it.  Refused to talk about anything actually.  Chris had never heard so much as a peep from him except at night, when Jensen would cry out in his sleep or sob until he was too tired to cry anymore.    
  
It had been exhausting looking after him – every day the same; every day with no improvement – and there had been a time when Chris had seriously feared he’d never see his best friend again.   
  
Until one day, the old Jensen had finally peeked out from the lifeless mannequin he’d been masquerading as since he’d left the hospital.  And Chris had laughed till he cried, and held Jensen so damn tight his arms ached for hours afterwards.  
  
It had taken some time, but, little by little, that freckled kid had come back to him.  
  
Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean Chris doesn’t still feel guilty, and there are some nights when the only company he can stand is a bottle of Jack Daniels.  He spends hours just thinking about how he was the one who introduced Jensen to that bastard, and how he was the one who didn’t notice something was wrong.  Until it was _way_ too late. He knows Jensen better than anyone; how is it possible that he didn’t see it?  
  
 _“So you think he’s right for our Jenny?”_  
  
The whiskey is the only thing that silences that accusatory little voice in his head, the one that’s constantly saying it was all his fault.  
  
And Jensen still hasn’t told them everything.  He’s never told them how long it went on for or how far Jared went, and Chris’ blood boils every time he thinks about it.  What if…what if Jared had ra…no, he can’t even think it.  Not without wanting to put his fist through the wall…or, even better, through Jared Padalecki’s fucking face.   
  
God, why did he even introduce them?  Why did he even get involved?  _Fuck_.  
  
Jensen’s told him a million times that it wasn’t his fault, but Chris knows the truth.  He knows the blame for this lies with him.   
  
And with Jared.  God, the things he wants to do to that man…  
  
He’s never told anyone about those sinister thoughts; they frighten _him_ , so God only knows what anyone else would think.  He’s dreamed of Jared’s blood on his hands; of bashing the guy’s brains in; of choking the life out of the bastard with his bare hands.   
  
Yeah, Chris can honestly admit that he scares himself sometimes.  And he knows the only thing that has stopped him from doing any of things is Steve; he can only hope that Steve will always be there to stop him.  
  
It’s selfish of him to depend on Steve so much, he knows that, but Steve’s all he has left, outside of Jensen. And Steve’s whole and unbroken, and Chris doesn’t have to try and piece together the shattered pieces of him – it’s _easy_ with him.   
  
He wants to think that Steve will be waiting for him when this is all over - when Jensen is finally healed and doesn’t need Chris anymore.  But Chris isn’t sure that day will ever come, and he isn’t sure he’ll ever really be able to trust anyone else with Jensen even if it does.  Sure, he wants his own happily ever after, but Jensen will always come first, and he’d understand if Steve’s just not willing to wait that long. Hell, in Steve’s position, Chris is sure he would’ve left years ago.   
  
****  
  
Chris has never believed in a higher power – too much shit has happened in his life for him to ever believe in that – until right this second.  Someone up there must’ve been looking out for him today, because if Jensen’s car hadn’t decided to pack it in this morning, then Chris wouldn’t be standing here watching Jared fucking Padalecki manhandle Jensen in the school parking lot.   
  
And he needs to be here.  He needs to be here to tear Jared’s fucking head off.  
  
Just seeing those huge hands on Jensen makes his heart twist in his chest and fists tighten so much his knuckles creak. Those hands have done so much damage - _too_ much damage to ever come anywhere near Jensen again.    
  
“Get your fucking filthy hands off him, Padalecki, before I rip them off.”  
  
Both Jared and Jensen look at him then, each of them wearing very different expressions. He takes a step towards them, eyes narrowing, when he sees Jared’s hands tighten on Jensen’s shoulders.  Jensen’s shaking in Jared’s grip, and Chris wants nothing more than to pull Jensen into his arms and hold him till he feels safe again.  
  
“Didn’t you hear me, asshole?  I said take your goddamn hands off him,” he snarls, his nails now digging into his palms. The sting helps keep him grounded, focused, so he doesn’t just go over there and beat Jared to a pulp.     
  
“No, I heard you loud and clear, Kane.  What I don’t get is how this has anything to do with you,” Jared replies, his eyes drifting back to Jensen.   
  
Chris lets out a snort at that.  Right.  Because _Chris_ is the unwelcome one here.  “Anything that has to do with Jensen has to do with me, Padalecki,” Chris says, trying to keep the growl out of his voice and failing entirely.  It doesn’t help that Jensen’s now trying to pull away from Jared, and Jared, the fucking bastard, isn’t letting him go.    
  
“Chris, let’s just…let’s just go home,” Jensen says, reaching out for Chris, but before he takes more than a step towards him, Jared’s hand on his arm pulls him up short. Every bone in Chris’ body wants to tear Jared’s hand away, but he knows he has to tread carefully here.  He’s seen what those hands can do, and he doesn’t ever want that to happen again.  
  
“Jensen, just give m-”  
  
“Get. Your hands. Off him,” he says.  Just one more time.    
  
“Look, all I want is to talk to him, okay?” Jared says then, in a tone that Chris can’t place.  He sounds a little desperate, and that’s just so strange coming from this Jared, because this Jared doesn’t _need_ anything. Or _anyone_ , for that matter.    
  
So what the fuck does he want to talk about?  
  
Chris doesn’t get the chance to ask, though, before Jared adds, “Jensen, _please_ , just give me an hour.”  
  
Jensen’s stop pulling away now, and he’s got this soft look in his eyes that’s setting off all kinds of alarm bells for Chris.  Fuck, Jensen’s going to say yes, because he just can’t help himself; he’s going to say yes because Jared needs this and Jensen’s never been able to deny him anything.  
  
Well, _fuck_ _that_.   
  
“You just don’t get it do you, Padalecki?  He doesn’t want to talk to you, doesn’t want to see, doesn’t want _anything_ to do with you,” he says, letting a cruel smile curl his lips.    
  
“Just stay the fuck out of this, Kane,” Jared spits, rage dripping from every word.  And that’s exactly what Chris wants to hear.  He needs Jensen to see Jared for who he is now – the cold, heartless bastard who left him bleeding out on their living room floor – and if this is the only way to do that, then so be it.  He can take whatever Jared dishes out as long as Jensen ends up leaving with him instead of Jared.  
  
“Not gonna happen, Padalecki.  Now why don’t you go home and cry to your _wife._ ”  Jared’s nostrils flare but he stays where he is, his hands still on Jensen, so Chris quickly adds, ‘Or better yet, that bitch you call ‘mom’.’  
  
And that’s what does it.  
     
Chris’ head rocks back with the force of the blow, but he can’t help but grin even though his nose is throbbing like a sonofabitch, because now it’s on.   Jared might’ve started this, but, by God, Chris’ gonna finish it.   
  
But not before he’s said his piece.  “You think you can just turn up like this, out of the blue, after you left him for _dead?_!  And none of my business?  None of _my_ business??  Are you fucking kidding me?  I’ve been with Jensen every day for the last three goddamn years…where the fuck have _you_ been?”   
  
Jared’s eyes darken at that, his lips thinning, as he snarls, “Jesus, why don’t you just fuck him already, Kane?  It’s so fucking obvious you want to.  You’ve _always_ wanted to.”  
  
Chris barks out a laugh.  “Would that make it easier for you?  Would you feel less guilty if Jensen and I _were_ fucking?”  He shoves Jared in the chest with both hands as he continues, “But sorry to break it to you, champ, but this is all on you.  Everything you dreamed up between me and Jensen was all in your sick, twisted mind, and that’s just really fucking sad.”   
  
He gets another punch in the face for that, and his grin widens.  
  
He doesn’t think twice before tackling Jared into the nearest car. The knee that hits him in the stomach knocks the air out of him, but he doesn’t let that throw off his aim as he punches Jared in his smug face.  
  
The elbow to the ribs hurts a little more, and he can’t help the pain filled grunt that escapes his lips.  Fuck, that’s gonna bruise something awful.  
  
“Is that all you’ve got, Kane?”   
  
He throws another punch before Jared’s even finished speaking, and hears a deeply satisfying thud as Jared’s head hits the car behind him. He grabs Jared by the throat then, and slams Jared’s face into the car window.  It smashes on impact and Jared lets out a pained grunt of his own, and it’s fucking music to Chris’ ears.  
  
“Oh, I’m just getting started, Padalecki,” Chris whispers into Jared’s ear right before Jared shoves him away.       
  
“Christ, what the fuck is _wrong_ with you!?” Jared hisses, reaching up to press his hand to the cut on the side of his head.  
  
He goes to hit Jared again – he won’t be done till Jared’s a whimpering mess on the floor – but before he can land the punch, arms circle around his waist and pull him back.  He freezes when he hears Jensen’s low voice behind him. “He’s not worth it, Chris.” Jensen rests his head on Chris’ back, and Chris feels Jensen’s tears soaking into his shirt.  Fuck, Jensen’s _crying_ …“He’s nothing.”  
  
When he looks over at Jared again, two men are holding him back now as well.  Chris doesn’t recognise them, but from the way they both keep shooting Jensen concerned looks, he can guess they all work together.  
  
“Come on, guys, you’re acting like children.  Look, I don’t know what went on between you two but you can’t behave like this here,” the taller one says, clearly struggling a little to hold Jared back.   
  
When neither he nor Jared answers, the guy tries again, “Well, I obviously didn’t make myself clear.  What I meant to say was…if you two aren’t gone in the next two minutes, then I’m gonna call the cops.  Clear enough for you?”   
  
Jared pushes both guys away then, and makes a move towards him…or maybe towards Jensen, Chris isn’t quite sure. The tall guy grabs Jared again, though, before he gets very far and barks, “Really, buddy?  Do you _want_ me to get the cops involved?”  Chris can’t deny he kind of enjoys the way this guy is standing up to Jared.  It’s even better ‘cause the man’s nearly as tall as Jared, and Chris can see how much that’s irritating Jared right now.  Yeah, Chris _really_ likes this new guy.      
  
“I would listen to Tommy if I were you,” the other man says, clearly ready to grab Jared again if he makes another move.  
  
Jared’s jaw tightens and he looks over at Chris, then over his shoulder.  He’s looking only at Jensen when he says, ‘Jensen-”  
  
“Just go.”   
  
Chris doesn’t know who’s more shocked by that.   Jensen’s voice holds strong as he says it, and he comes out from behind Chris to face Jared, head-on.  Chris doesn’t think he’s ever been so proud of his best friend.   “I don’t know what you want, and I don’t care.” Jensen holds up a hand when Jared opens his mouth, and adds, “Just go away, Jared.  Chris’ right; I don’t want to see you.”   
  
“Please, Jen, I just need to explain,” Jared says, reaching out for Jensen, but Jensen just steps back, out of range.     
  
“You could’ve explained three years ago, Jared.  It’s too fucking late now.”  
  
“You wouldn’t have understood,” Jared says, his voice little more than a broken whisper, and even Chris can admit it’s hard to hear.  There’s much pain held in those four words that, in spite of everything, Chris almost feels sorry for him.    
  
“Maybe, maybe not, but you never gave me the chance.”  
  
“I know,” Jared says, “I know that now, but…but if you’ll just listen, I can fix this.”  
  
Jensen shakes his head then.  “Do you really believe that, Jared?  After everything that’s happened?”  He sounds tired, and suddenly Chris just wants this to be over.  He wants to take Jensen home, so they can all start forgetting this ever happened.  
  
“I’m still me, Jen.”  
  
“Then that just makes it worse.”  Jensen’s eyes drift to Jared’s hand, taking in the shiny gold band on his finger, as he adds, “Go home to your wife, Jared.”  There are shadows in Jensen’s eyes now, he looks so fucking sad as he stares at that damn ring, and Chris’ chest tightens.    
  
Jensen’s hands are shaking at his sides again, but this time he’s not the only one.  Chris almost can’t believe what he’s seeing when Jared pulls a card from his pocket and holds it out to Jensen, his hand trembling just a little as well.       
  
“Jen-” Jared cuts off and shakes his head, wincing slightly.  “Look, I’ll go, Jensen, but please just think about hearing me out sometime.”   
  
Jensen doesn’t take the card, doesn’t even look at it, so Jared just sighs and slips it into Jensen’s jacket pocket.  Jensen flinches at the touch, which Chris expects, and Jared’s face clouds over with shame, which Chris absolutely does not.  How is this Jared and the one from a few moments ago the same person?  
  
“Take care of yourself.”   
  
Chris can’t help but let out a harsh laugh at that, and Jared looks back at him.  All signs of guilt are gone like there were never even there, Jared’s face back to being that emotionless mask he offers the world these days.  “You got something to say, Kane?”  
  
“Nope.  I just think that’s really fucking amusing coming from you.”   
  
Jared takes a step towards him, but the tall guy, _Tommy,_ jumps in front of him at the last moment and places a hand on his chest.  “I think you should leave now, Mr.Padalecki.”  
  
Jared eyes Tommy for a few seconds, then nods and turns to make his way back to his car. Chris watches Jared drive off, wanting to make sure he’s _actually_ leaving and not just pretending so he can pounce on Jensen again later.    
  
Once Jared’s car’s safely out of sight, he looks back at Jensen, only to find Tommy at his friend’s elbow asking, “You alright, Jensen?”  
  
“Yeah, shit, I’m sorry, Tom.” Jensen sounds so freaking upset, and, once again, Chris has to fight the urge to just grab him and take him home.  But then Tom places his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, and Chris is surprised when Jensen doesn’t shrink away from the touch.  It makes him to wonder who this Tom guy is.  
  
“There’s nothing to apologise for,” Tom says with a small smile, giving Jensen’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before letting go.  
  
“Except to my poor baby,” the other guy mumbles, walking over to this car and eyeing the broken window.  “Did you really have to get her involved in all this?”  
  
 _Shit_.  
  
“Fuck, man, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” Chris says, completely sincere, as he takes out his wallet. “Look, I’ll pay for the damage.  How much do you want?”  But the man just waves him off and bends down to wipe away the blood on the door with his tie.   Both Tommy and Jensen look thoroughly repulsed by that, but the guy ignores them and keeps wiping until all the blood’s gone.  
  
“It’s cool, dude. You were just defending Jenny’s honour…I can respect that.”   
  
Jensen rolls his eyes at the nickname – just like he does whenever Chris uses it – and it’s becoming more and more obvious that they’re all friends.  That suspicion is confirmed when Jensen says, “This is Mike; he teaches drama here.  And that’s Tom,” he nods towards the other man, “he’s the Phys Ed teacher.”  
  
Chris holds his hand out to Mike, once the guy’s dropped his blood stained tie of course, and introduces himself, “Christian Kane.”  
  
But instead of shaking his hand, Mike pulls him into a hug, and Chris can’t hold back a wince when the guy squeezes.  Wow, he thinks Jared might actually have fractured one of his ribs, the fucker.  
  
“Man, it’s so good to finally meet you.” Chris isn’t really sure what to do with his arms, so he just leaves them limp at his sides as Mike lifts him off the floor. “Jen doesn’t shut up about you, but, between you and me, I was starting to think he’d made you up.”   
  
“Mike, put the poor guy down,” Tom sighs, stepping up and extending his hand towards Chris as well. When Chris’ feet touch the ground again, _finally_ , he catches the corners of Jensen’s mouth tilting upwards. Well, fuck, he’ll let this weirdo hug him every day for the rest of his life if it makes Jensen smile like that. “It’s nice to meet you, Chris.”  They shake and, again, Chris has to hide a wince – the guy’s got a fucking grip of _steel_.  
  
“Damn, Tommy, ease up a bit.” Huh, maybe Chris didn’t hide that wince as well as he thought he did.  
  
“Shit, sorry,” Tom says as he quickly lets go, nervously swiping his now free hand across the back of his neck.  “I forget my own strength sometimes.”  
  
“No problem,” Chris shrugs as he takes his crushed hand back and slips it into his pocket.   
  
“Tommy, we better go; Allison will have my balls if I’m late home again.”  
  
“Dude, she’s had your balls since the day you met,” Tom says with a smirk, deftly dodging the slap Mike sends his way.  “I’m quite surprised she doesn’t keep them on the mantel piece.” This time, he doesn’t move fast enough, and he lets out a pained hiss when Mike’s foot stomps down on his toes  
  
“You’re an ass, Tom,” Mike tells him before turning back to Jensen. “You sure you going to be okay?”  
  
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Jensen says, even though both he and Chris know that’s a lie. “Thanks for your help.” Mike gives Jensen a quick pat on the arm before shaking Chris’s hand again; Chris is just thankful that he doesn’t try to hug him again or crush his hand like his friend had.      
  
“It was real nice meeting you.”   
  
And with that, Mike opens the car door and climbs inside. “Come on, Tommy.”  
  
Tom, though, doesn’t seem all that eager to leave, and Chris can’t help but look at the guy’s hand, eyes searching for a wedding ring.  He can’t see one so it looks like there isn’t a ‘Mrs Tommy’.     
  
“You sure you’re okay, Jensen?”  
  
Chris knows he shouldn’t – his track record of meddling in Jensen’s love life isn’t exactly stellar – but, goddamn it, he just wants to see Jensen happy, and this Tommy guy seems like he really cares about Jensen.  So maybe…  
  
“Hey, what are you guys doing on Saturday? We’re having a barbecue; if you’re free, do you wanna join us?  Free food. Free beer. The works,” Chris says, ignoring the puzzled frown Jensen’s giving him.  “You can even bring the old ball and chain, Mike,” he calls over to Mike in the car.  
  
Mike lets out a roaring laugh at that.  “Oh god, please don’t call her that when you meet her.” He grins and he looks over at Jensen.  “You know, Jen, we’ve been friends for nearly a year and this is the first time we’ve been invited to your house. What’s up with that, man?”  
  
Jensen lets out a nervous chuckle, his cheeks turning pink, and Chris immediately regrets inviting them. It’s taken a long time to get Jensen to where he is now; he really doesn’t want to push him too hard and fuck up all the progress he’s made.  
  
“Actually, I don’t think-”  
  
“The barbecue starts at six, so you better be there then because trust me, Mike, this one here...” Jensen says, poking Chris in the belly, “loves his food.”  
  
“Hey!” Chris shoves Jensen away, but he’s smiling.  Looks like this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.  
  
“What? I’m just telling the truth,” Jensen says, giving him an innocent look that Chris doesn’t buy for a second.  He knows Jensen’s still feeling a little awkward about the whole thing, but that’s okay, because he’s not saying no.  It’s definitely a step in the right direction to getting Jensen back to normal.  
  
“Six o’clock? Got it,” Mike says, giving them a salute through the broken window.  
  
“Are you sure, Jen?”  
  
“Yeah, Tom, it’s just a barbecue,” Jensen says, and, after a moment, Tom nods and gets into Mike’s car.   Both Chris and Jensen wave as it drives out of the parking lot.  
  
“I’m so sorry, Jensen.”   
  
“It’s fin-”  
  
“Stop saying it’s fine when it’s not,” he snaps, instantly regretting it when Jensen shrinks away from him.    
  
“They’re good guys, Chris, and, like I said, it’s just a barbecue,” Jensen replies as he walks over to Chris’ car and opens the passenger door.  
  
“I wasn’t talking about the damn barbecue, Jensen,” Chris says, trying to keep his voice even but not quite managing it - he simply can’t hide his frustration at what just happened.  And at Jensen. “Look, we both knew that Jared might show up one day, but now he’s gone and we can go back to pretending that he doesn’t exist.”    
  
Jensen sighs and looks away.  “It’s Jared, Chris.”   
  
And the only thing stopping Chris from going off at Jensen right then is how defeated Jensen sounds as he says it.  
  
“He may be Jared but he’s still the asshole who...”  
  
 _Left you for dead,_  
  
 _Abused you,_  
  
 _Cheated on you,_  
  
 _Lied to you,_  
  
 _Broke_ _you,_  
  
Chris doesn’t say any of those things, of course, but they both hear them anyway.   
  
“I know,” Jensen says quietly, still staring at the floor.  
  
 _Do_ _you_ _?_ Chris wants to ask, because he’s just not sure anymore.  Jensen was ready to hear Jared out, he really was, before the fight.  He was going to let Jared back into his life, and, honestly, Chris just can’t believe that.  How could Jensen even _think_ of doing that after everything Jared’s done to him?  
  
He doesn’t ask, though, because he doesn’t want to know the answer, and he doesn’t want Jensen to lie to him.  So he lets it go, and just prays, _prays_ , that Jared has gotten the fucking message now and will leave Jensen alone.    
  
Unfortunately, he’s pretty damn sure that prayer’s going to go unanswered…just like all the rest.        
  
That night he’d been sure he was going to drown in it all, but somehow Steve had kept him afloat.  
  
He’d made the choice that night – the choice between his music career and Jensen – and he’d fully expected Steve to walk out on him for it.  But he hadn’t.  No, he’d stayed and Chris will never be able to put into words how grateful he is for that.  Especially given how hard it had been dealing with Jensen once they took him home.   
  
The doctor at the hospital had told them Jensen was showing signs of PTSD – as if it hadn’t been goddamn obvious – and given them a whole slew of pills to shove down Jensen’s throat every day.  But they hadn’t helped, and neither had the therapy sessions because Jensen had simply refused to talk about it.  Refused to talk about anything actually.  Chris had never heard so much as a peep from him except at night, when Jensen would cry out in his sleep or sob until he was too tired to cry anymore.    
  
It had been exhausting looking after him – every day the same; every day with no improvement – and there had been a time when Chris had seriously feared he’d never see his best friend again.   
  
Until one day, the old Jensen had finally peeked out from the lifeless mannequin he’d been masquerading as since he’d left the hospital.  And Chris had laughed till he cried, and held Jensen so damn tight his arms ached for hours afterwards.  
  
It had taken some time, but, little by little, that freckled kid had come back to him.  
  
Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean Chris doesn’t still feel guilty, and there are some nights when the only company he can stand is a bottle of Jack Daniels.  He spends hours just thinking about how he was the one who introduced Jensen to that bastard, and how he was the one who didn’t notice something was wrong.  Until it was _way_ too late. He knows Jensen better than anyone; how is it possible that he didn’t see it?  
  
 _“So you think he’s right for our Jenny?”_  
  
The whiskey is the only thing that silences that accusatory little voice in his head, the one that’s constantly saying it was all his fault.  
  
And Jensen still hasn’t told them everything.  He’s never told them how long it went on for or how far Jared went, and Chris’ blood boils every time he thinks about it.  What if…what if Jared had ra…no, he can’t even think it.  Not without wanting to put his fist through the wall…or, even better, through Jared Padalecki’s fucking face.   
  
God, why did he even introduce them?  Why did he even get involved?  _Fuck_.  
  
Jensen’s told him a million times that it wasn’t his fault, but Chris knows the truth.  He knows the blame for this lies with him.   
  
And with Jared.  God, the things he wants to do to that man…  
  
He’s never told anyone about those sinister thoughts; they frighten _him_ , so God only knows what anyone else would think.  He’s dreamed of Jared’s blood on his hands; of bashing the guy’s brains in; of choking the life out of the bastard with his bare hands.   
  
Yeah, Chris can honestly admit that he scares himself sometimes.  And he knows the only thing that has stopped him from doing any of things is Steve; he can only hope that Steve will always be there to stop him.  
  
It’s selfish of him to depend on Steve so much, he knows that, but Steve’s all he has left, outside of Jensen. And Steve’s whole and unbroken, and Chris doesn’t have to try and piece together the shattered pieces of him – it’s _easy_ with him.   
  
He wants to think that Steve will be waiting for him when this is all over - when Jensen is finally healed and doesn’t need Chris anymore.  But Chris isn’t sure that day will ever come, and he isn’t sure he’ll ever really be able to trust anyone else with Jensen even if it does.  Sure, he wants his own happily ever after, but Jensen will always come first, and he’d understand if Steve’s just not willing to wait that long. Hell, in Steve’s position, Chris is sure he would’ve left years ago.   
  
****  
  
Chris has never believed in a higher power – too much shit has happened in his life for him to ever believe in that – until right this second.  Someone up there must’ve been looking out for him today, because if Jensen’s car hadn’t decided to pack it in this morning, then Chris wouldn’t be standing here watching Jared fucking Padalecki manhandle Jensen in the school parking lot.   
  
And he needs to be here.  He needs to be here to tear Jared’s fucking head off.  
  
Just seeing those huge hands on Jensen makes his heart twist in his chest and fists tighten so much his knuckles creak. Those hands have done so much damage - _too_ much damage to ever come anywhere near Jensen again.    
  
“Get your fucking filthy hands off him, Padalecki, before I rip them off.”  
  
Both Jared and Jensen look at him then, each of them wearing very different expressions. He takes a step towards them, eyes narrowing, when he sees Jared’s hands tighten on Jensen’s shoulders.  Jensen’s shaking in Jared’s grip, and Chris wants nothing more than to pull Jensen into his arms and hold him till he feels safe again.  
  
“Didn’t you hear me, asshole?  I said take your goddamn hands off him,” he snarls, his nails now digging into his palms. The sting helps keep him grounded, focused, so he doesn’t just go over there and beat Jared to a pulp.     
  
“No, I heard you loud and clear, Kane.  What I don’t get is how this has anything to do with you,” Jared replies, his eyes drifting back to Jensen.   
  
Chris lets out a snort at that.  Right.  Because _Chris_ is the unwelcome one here.  “Anything that has to do with Jensen has to do with me, Padalecki,” Chris says, trying to keep the growl out of his voice and failing entirely.  It doesn’t help that Jensen’s now trying to pull away from Jared, and Jared, the fucking bastard, isn’t letting him go.    
  
“Chris, let’s just…let’s just go home,” Jensen says, reaching out for Chris, but before he takes more than a step towards him, Jared’s hand on his arm pulls him up short. Every bone in Chris’ body wants to tear Jared’s hand away, but he knows he has to tread carefully here.  He’s seen what those hands can do, and he doesn’t ever want that to happen again.  
  
“Jensen, just give m-”  
  
“Get. Your hands. Off him,” he says.  Just one more time.    
  
“Look, all I want is to talk to him, okay?” Jared says then, in a tone that Chris can’t place.  He sounds a little desperate, and that’s just so strange coming from this Jared, because this Jared doesn’t _need_ anything. Or _anyone_ , for that matter.    
  
So what the fuck does he want to talk about?  
  
Chris doesn’t get the chance to ask, though, before Jared adds, “Jensen, _please_ , just give me an hour.”  
  
Jensen’s stop pulling away now, and he’s got this soft look in his eyes that’s setting off all kinds of alarm bells for Chris.  Fuck, Jensen’s going to say yes, because he just can’t help himself; he’s going to say yes because Jared needs this and Jensen’s never been able to deny him anything.  
  
Well, _fuck_ _that_.   
  
“You just don’t get it do you, Padalecki?  He doesn’t want to talk to you, doesn’t want to see, doesn’t want _anything_ to do with you,” he says, letting a cruel smile curl his lips.    
  
“Just stay the fuck out of this, Kane,” Jared spits, rage dripping from every word.  And that’s exactly what Chris wants to hear.  He needs Jensen to see Jared for who he is now – the cold, heartless bastard who left him bleeding out on their living room floor – and if this is the only way to do that, then so be it.  He can take whatever Jared dishes out as long as Jensen ends up leaving with him instead of Jared.  
  
“Not gonna happen, Padalecki.  Now why don’t you go home and cry to your _wife._ ”  Jared’s nostrils flare but he stays where he is, his hands still on Jensen, so Chris quickly adds, ‘Or better yet, that bitch you call ‘mom’.’  
  
And that’s what does it.  
     
Chris’ head rocks back with the force of the blow, but he can’t help but grin even though his nose is throbbing like a sonofabitch, because now it’s on.   Jared might’ve started this, but, by God, Chris’ gonna finish it.   
  
But not before he’s said his piece.  “You think you can just turn up like this, out of the blue, after you left him for _dead?_!  And none of my business?  None of _my_ business??  Are you fucking kidding me?  I’ve been with Jensen every day for the last three goddamn years…where the fuck have _you_ been?”   
  
Jared’s eyes darken at that, his lips thinning, as he snarls, “Jesus, why don’t you just fuck him already, Kane?  It’s so fucking obvious you want to.  You’ve _always_ wanted to.”  
  
Chris barks out a laugh.  “Would that make it easier for you?  Would you feel less guilty if Jensen and I _were_ fucking?”  He shoves Jared in the chest with both hands as he continues, “But sorry to break it to you, champ, but this is all on you.  Everything you dreamed up between me and Jensen was all in your sick, twisted mind, and that’s just really fucking sad.”   
  
He gets another punch in the face for that, and his grin widens.  
  
He doesn’t think twice before tackling Jared into the nearest car. The knee that hits him in the stomach knocks the air out of him, but he doesn’t let that throw off his aim as he punches Jared in his smug face.  
  
The elbow to the ribs hurts a little more, and he can’t help the pain filled grunt that escapes his lips.  Fuck, that’s gonna bruise something awful.  
  
“Is that all you’ve got, Kane?”   
  
He throws another punch before Jared’s even finished speaking, and hears a deeply satisfying thud as Jared’s head hits the car behind him. He grabs Jared by the throat then, and slams Jared’s face into the car window.  It smashes on impact and Jared lets out a pained grunt of his own, and it’s fucking music to Chris’ ears.  
  
“Oh, I’m just getting started, Padalecki,” Chris whispers into Jared’s ear right before Jared shoves him away.       
  
“Christ, what the fuck is _wrong_ with you!?” Jared hisses, reaching up to press his hand to the cut on the side of his head.  
  
He goes to hit Jared again – he won’t be done till Jared’s a whimpering mess on the floor – but before he can land the punch, arms circle around his waist and pull him back.  He freezes when he hears Jensen’s low voice behind him. “He’s not worth it, Chris.” Jensen rests his head on Chris’ back, and Chris feels Jensen’s tears soaking into his shirt.  Fuck, Jensen’s _crying_ …“He’s nothing.”  
  
When he looks over at Jared again, two men are holding him back now as well.  Chris doesn’t recognise them, but from the way they both keep shooting Jensen concerned looks, he can guess they all work together.  
  
“Come on, guys, you’re acting like children.  Look, I don’t know what went on between you two but you can’t behave like this here,” the taller one says, clearly struggling a little to hold Jared back.   
  
When neither he nor Jared answers, the guy tries again, “Well, I obviously didn’t make myself clear.  What I meant to say was…if you two aren’t gone in the next two minutes, then I’m gonna call the cops.  Clear enough for you?”   
  
Jared pushes both guys away then, and makes a move towards him…or maybe towards Jensen, Chris isn’t quite sure. The tall guy grabs Jared again, though, before he gets very far and barks, “Really, buddy?  Do you _want_ me to get the cops involved?”  Chris can’t deny he kind of enjoys the way this guy is standing up to Jared.  It’s even better ‘cause the man’s nearly as tall as Jared, and Chris can see how much that’s irritating Jared right now.  Yeah, Chris _really_ likes this new guy.      
  
“I would listen to Tommy if I were you,” the other man says, clearly ready to grab Jared again if he makes another move.  
  
Jared’s jaw tightens and he looks over at Chris, then over his shoulder.  He’s looking only at Jensen when he says, ‘Jensen-”  
  
“Just go.”   
  
Chris doesn’t know who’s more shocked by that.   Jensen’s voice holds strong as he says it, and he comes out from behind Chris to face Jared, head-on.  Chris doesn’t think he’s ever been so proud of his best friend.   “I don’t know what you want, and I don’t care.” Jensen holds up a hand when Jared opens his mouth, and adds, “Just go away, Jared.  Chris’ right; I don’t want to see you.”   
  
“Please, Jen, I just need to explain,” Jared says, reaching out for Jensen, but Jensen just steps back, out of range.     
  
“You could’ve explained three years ago, Jared.  It’s too fucking late now.”  
  
“You wouldn’t have understood,” Jared says, his voice little more than a broken whisper, and even Chris can admit it’s hard to hear.  There’s much pain held in those four words that, in spite of everything, Chris almost feels sorry for him.    
  
“Maybe, maybe not, but you never gave me the chance.”  
  
“I know,” Jared says, “I know that now, but…but if you’ll just listen, I can fix this.”  
  
Jensen shakes his head then.  “Do you really believe that, Jared?  After everything that’s happened?”  He sounds tired, and suddenly Chris just wants this to be over.  He wants to take Jensen home, so they can all start forgetting this ever happened.  
  
“I’m still me, Jen.”  
  
“Then that just makes it worse.”  Jensen’s eyes drift to Jared’s hand, taking in the shiny gold band on his finger, as he adds, “Go home to your wife, Jared.”  There are shadows in Jensen’s eyes now, he looks so fucking sad as he stares at that damn ring, and Chris’ chest tightens.    
  
Jensen’s hands are shaking at his sides again, but this time he’s not the only one.  Chris almost can’t believe what he’s seeing when Jared pulls a card from his pocket and holds it out to Jensen, his hand trembling just a little as well.       
  
“Jen-” Jared cuts off and shakes his head, wincing slightly.  “Look, I’ll go, Jensen, but please just think about hearing me out sometime.”   
  
Jensen doesn’t take the card, doesn’t even look at it, so Jared just sighs and slips it into Jensen’s jacket pocket.  Jensen flinches at the touch, which Chris expects, and Jared’s face clouds over with shame, which Chris absolutely does not.  How is this Jared and the one from a few moments ago the same person?  
  
“Take care of yourself.”   
  
Chris can’t help but let out a harsh laugh at that, and Jared looks back at him.  All signs of guilt are gone like there were never even there, Jared’s face back to being that emotionless mask he offers the world these days.  “You got something to say, Kane?”  
  
“Nope.  I just think that’s really fucking amusing coming from you.”   
  
Jared takes a step towards him, but the tall guy, _Tommy,_ jumps in front of him at the last moment and places a hand on his chest.  “I think you should leave now, Mr.Padalecki.”  
  
Jared eyes Tommy for a few seconds, then nods and turns to make his way back to his car. Chris watches Jared drive off, wanting to make sure he’s _actually_ leaving and not just pretending so he can pounce on Jensen again later.    
  
Once Jared’s car’s safely out of sight, he looks back at Jensen, only to find Tommy at his friend’s elbow asking, “You alright, Jensen?”  
  
“Yeah, shit, I’m sorry, Tom.” Jensen sounds so freaking upset, and, once again, Chris has to fight the urge to just grab him and take him home.  But then Tom places his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, and Chris is surprised when Jensen doesn’t shrink away from the touch.  It makes him to wonder who this Tom guy is.  
  
“There’s nothing to apologise for,” Tom says with a small smile, giving Jensen’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before letting go.  
  
“Except to my poor baby,” the other guy mumbles, walking over to this car and eyeing the broken window.  “Did you really have to get her involved in all this?”  
  
 _Shit_.  
  
“Fuck, man, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” Chris says, completely sincere, as he takes out his wallet. “Look, I’ll pay for the damage.  How much do you want?”  But the man just waves him off and bends down to wipe away the blood on the door with his tie.   Both Tommy and Jensen look thoroughly repulsed by that, but the guy ignores them and keeps wiping until all the blood’s gone.  
  
“It’s cool, dude. You were just defending Jenny’s honour…I can respect that.”   
  
Jensen rolls his eyes at the nickname – just like he does whenever Chris uses it – and it’s becoming more and more obvious that they’re all friends.  That suspicion is confirmed when Jensen says, “This is Mike; he teaches drama here.  And that’s Tom,” he nods towards the other man, “he’s the Phys Ed teacher.”  
  
Chris holds his hand out to Mike, once the guy’s dropped his blood stained tie of course, and introduces himself, “Christian Kane.”  
  
But instead of shaking his hand, Mike pulls him into a hug, and Chris can’t hold back a wince when the guy squeezes.  Wow, he thinks Jared might actually have fractured one of his ribs, the fucker.  
  
“Man, it’s so good to finally meet you.” Chris isn’t really sure what to do with his arms, so he just leaves them limp at his sides as Mike lifts him off the floor. “Jen doesn’t shut up about you, but, between you and me, I was starting to think he’d made you up.”   
  
“Mike, put the poor guy down,” Tom sighs, stepping up and extending his hand towards Chris as well. When Chris’ feet touch the ground again, _finally_ , he catches the corners of Jensen’s mouth tilting upwards. Well, fuck, he’ll let this weirdo hug him every day for the rest of his life if it makes Jensen smile like that. “It’s nice to meet you, Chris.”  They shake and, again, Chris has to hide a wince – the guy’s got a fucking grip of _steel_.  
  
“Damn, Tommy, ease up a bit.” Huh, maybe Chris didn’t hide that wince as well as he thought he did.  
  
“Shit, sorry,” Tom says as he quickly lets go, nervously swiping his now free hand across the back of his neck.  “I forget my own strength sometimes.”  
  
“No problem,” Chris shrugs as he takes his crushed hand back and slips it into his pocket.   
  
“Tommy, we better go; Allison will have my balls if I’m late home again.”  
  
“Dude, she’s had your balls since the day you met,” Tom says with a smirk, deftly dodging the slap Mike sends his way.  “I’m quite surprised she doesn’t keep them on the mantel piece.” This time, he doesn’t move fast enough, and he lets out a pained hiss when Mike’s foot stomps down on his toes  
  
“You’re an ass, Tom,” Mike tells him before turning back to Jensen. “You sure you going to be okay?”  
  
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Jensen says, even though both he and Chris know that’s a lie. “Thanks for your help.” Mike gives Jensen a quick pat on the arm before shaking Chris’s hand again; Chris is just thankful that he doesn’t try to hug him again or crush his hand like his friend had.      
  
“It was real nice meeting you.”   
  
And with that, Mike opens the car door and climbs inside. “Come on, Tommy.”  
  
Tom, though, doesn’t seem all that eager to leave, and Chris can’t help but look at the guy’s hand, eyes searching for a wedding ring.  He can’t see one so it looks like there isn’t a ‘Mrs Tommy’.     
  
“You sure you’re okay, Jensen?”  
  
Chris knows he shouldn’t – his track record of meddling in Jensen’s love life isn’t exactly stellar – but, goddamn it, he just wants to see Jensen happy, and this Tommy guy seems like he really cares about Jensen.  So maybe…  
  
“Hey, what are you guys doing on Saturday? We’re having a barbecue; if you’re free, do you wanna join us?  Free food. Free beer. The works,” Chris says, ignoring the puzzled frown Jensen’s giving him.  “You can even bring the old ball and chain, Mike,” he calls over to Mike in the car.  
  
Mike lets out a roaring laugh at that.  “Oh god, please don’t call her that when you meet her.” He grins and he looks over at Jensen.  “You know, Jen, we’ve been friends for nearly a year and this is the first time we’ve been invited to your house. What’s up with that, man?”  
  
Jensen lets out a nervous chuckle, his cheeks turning pink, and Chris immediately regrets inviting them. It’s taken a long time to get Jensen to where he is now; he really doesn’t want to push him too hard and fuck up all the progress he’s made.  
  
“Actually, I don’t think-”  
  
“The barbecue starts at six, so you better be there then because trust me, Mike, this one here...” Jensen says, poking Chris in the belly, “loves his food.”  
  
“Hey!” Chris shoves Jensen away, but he’s smiling.  Looks like this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.  
  
“What? I’m just telling the truth,” Jensen says, giving him an innocent look that Chris doesn’t buy for a second.  He knows Jensen’s still feeling a little awkward about the whole thing, but that’s okay, because he’s not saying no.  It’s definitely a step in the right direction to getting Jensen back to normal.  
  
“Six o’clock? Got it,” Mike says, giving them a salute through the broken window.  
  
“Are you sure, Jen?”  
  
“Yeah, Tom, it’s just a barbecue,” Jensen says, and, after a moment, Tom nods and gets into Mike’s car.   Both Chris and Jensen wave as it drives out of the parking lot.  
  
“I’m so sorry, Jensen.”   
  
“It’s fin-”  
  
“Stop saying it’s fine when it’s not,” he snaps, instantly regretting it when Jensen shrinks away from him.    
  
“They’re good guys, Chris, and, like I said, it’s just a barbecue,” Jensen replies as he walks over to Chris’ car and opens the passenger door.  
  
“I wasn’t talking about the damn barbecue, Jensen,” Chris says, trying to keep his voice even but not quite managing it - he simply can’t hide his frustration at what just happened.  And at Jensen. “Look, we both knew that Jared might show up one day, but now he’s gone and we can go back to pretending that he doesn’t exist.”    
  
Jensen sighs and looks away.  “It’s Jared, Chris.”   
  
And the only thing stopping Chris from going off at Jensen right then is how defeated Jensen sounds as he says it.  
  
“He may be Jared but he’s still the asshole who...”  
  
 _Left you for dead,_  
  
 _Abused you,_  
  
 _Cheated on you,_  
  
 _Lied to you,_  
  
 _Broke_ _you,_  
  
Chris doesn’t say any of those things, of course, but they both hear them anyway.   
  
“I know,” Jensen says quietly, still staring at the floor.  
  
 _Do_ _you_ _?_ Chris wants to ask, because he’s just not sure anymore.  Jensen was ready to hear Jared out, he really was, before the fight.  He was going to let Jared back into his life, and, honestly, Chris just can’t believe that.  How could Jensen even _think_ of doing that after everything Jared’s done to him?  
  
He doesn’t ask, though, because he doesn’t want to know the answer, and he doesn’t want Jensen to lie to him.  So he lets it go, and just prays, _prays_ , that Jared has gotten the fucking message now and will leave Jensen alone.    
  
Unfortunately, he’s pretty damn sure that prayer’s going to go unanswered…just like all the rest.        
  
  



	6. Chapter Six.

_I was alone, falling free,  
_ _trying my best not to forget,  
what happened to us, what happened to me,  
what happened as I let it slip. – Placebo ‘Meds’_  
  
 _Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to._  
  
That’s the advice Genevieve’s mother had given her when she’d decided to marry Jared Padalecki, and Genevieve has never questioned it. It might seem strange, since no marriage should be built on lies, but no one else has a husband quite like Jared.  
  
Gen grew up in the showbiz world, watching her mother on TV, and had known without a doubt that she was going to follow in her footsteps. She’d been so envious of her mother back then; she’d wanted that attention, had _yearned_ to be in the spotlight too and have people love her like they loved her mother.  
  
And her mother, desperate to cling on to her own fame any way she could, had been all for it.  She’d put Gen up for every audition going, and Genevieve had adored every minute of it. At the beginning of her career, Gen had mostly worked in the theatre, making quite a name for herself there, but her eyes had always been set on Hollywood.  And she’d been well on her way to making that dream a reality when she’d met Matt -  the first man she ever loved and the first one to break her heart.  
  
Her mother hadn’t approved of him at all – he didn’t make enough money; his career was a hobby not a job; he didn’t have any connections - and Gen can’t deny that that had just made her want him even more. But she had loved him too.  
  
Even though she knows now that he hadn’t loved her back.  
  
He’d just used her, and that had hurt more than any of the other things he’d done to her.  It had all started when Matt suggested combining their work – his photographs and her modelling skills – and Genevieve had thought that was a wonderful idea.  He really had been very talented.  That was why she hadn’t even batted an eye when he’d asked if he could take a few private shots, just for him, because she knew they’d be beautiful.  And since they were for her Matt’s _private_ collection, what was the harm?  
  
It hadn’t been until she’d spotted one of those private pictures in _Us Weekly_ that she started to suspect something was wrong.   But, being the fool she was back then, she’d believed his excuses and taken him back.    
  
Her mother, of course, had been furious, and with good reason.  No director had wanted to hire Gen, not unless she was willing to get her clothes off, and she’d lost a lot of friends because of it.  So, left with no other option, she’d turned all her attention to modelling, starting right back at the bottom again. It had been beyond exhausting, working her way to the top again, but she’d refused to quit.    
  
And to make everything worse, her mother had been right about Matt – less than two months after the scandal, she’d come home to find him in bed with someone else.  She’d thrown him out on his ass – his camera, laptop and clothes had gone right out the bedroom window, much to his horror – and, for the first time since she’d met him, she finally felt like herself again.    
  
She was Genevieve Cortese again and _no one_ was going to take that away from her again.  
  
She’d carried on working her way up the modelling ladder, until she’d finally, _finally_ , made it back onto the cover of Vogue – back where she belonged.  
  
Gen loves the way men look at her; they all want her, every last one of them.  It’s empowering, and exciting, being their ultimate fantasy, and it gives her a thrill like nothing else.  And she knows how to use that to get what she wants – it was how she’d snared Jared, after all.  
  
It had been at the Padalecki Christmas Party, and she’d been bored out of her mind right up until her mother and Mrs Padalecki had all but shoved her into the youngest Padalecki’s lap.    
  
She’d been watching him most of the night – best looking guy at the party by far – and what she’d seen had intrigued her.  He’d been an enigma, a mystery, she just hadn’t been able to turn away from.  So much hidden behind that mask, and she’d hoped she could be the one to figure him out.  The one to wipe away all that regret clinging to him, and banish that sadness from his eyes.    
  
She’s learnt her lesson since then, though.  If anyone can do that, it’s certainly not her.    
  
But that doesn’t mean she’s not happy.  Sure, Jared’s not exactly the perfect husband, but no one’s perfect, right?  He’s still gorgeous and rich and successful, and…and sometimes it almost seems like he loves her too.  She’s sure he does in his own way.  And if he spends more time at the office than with her, then it’s just because he wants to give her a good life, that’s all.   
  
It’s just…she gets lonely sometimes, and she wishes he wouldn’t hide so much from her.  He’s her _husband_.  She wants to get a glimpse behind that mask; she wants to help him deal with whatever made him so shut off…so cold.  
  
But he doesn’t let her in.  So she spends his money instead; she figures if that’s the only thing he’s willing to give her then she’ll have to make do.  It’s something, right? So she’s happy.  Really she is, as long as she doesn’t to think about how rarely Jared touches her, or kisses her or makes love to her.    
  
And so what if she gets a little lonely sometimes?  It’s nothing really.  She still has Jared’s ring on her finger; _she’s_ still the one he comes home to every night.  That’s what really matters.    
  
She can’t help but wonder sometimes, though, if this is really what Jared had wanted when he married her?  But she’s never asked because of her mother’s golden rule, which turned out to be the best advice she’s ever been given.  
  
Right up until that damn silver ring came into their lives.  
  
Jared carries the damn thing around _everywhere,_ his hand always slipping into his pocket when he thinks no one’s looking.    She’s not even sure Jared’s aware he’s doing it, but it makes her see red nonetheless.  It’s stupid really, because she doesn’t even know where the ring came from; it’s just that…that Jared gets this look on his face when he touches it and…and it’s a look she’s never seen before.  A look he’s _never_ given her.  
  
She hates the fucking thing.  She wants nothing more than to toss it away, but Jared’s always got it on him.  Every minute of every goddamn day.  
  
And that fucking lamp too.  That day had been the first time she’d ever seen Jared lose his cool – the first time she’d seen past the mask he always wears – and she can admit it had frightened her a little.  But not as much as what had followed...    
  
_The moment she stepped into the apartment, she knew something was wrong.   The place looked like a tornado had swept through it, but before she could call the cops, she caught sight of her husband’s bent form kneeling on the kitchen floor.  He was weeping, and there was blood running down his neck, and Genevieve just didn’t know what to do._  
  
 _“Jared?” she said quietly, hovering in the doorway as she took in the rest of the room. There were broken plates, broken glasses, broken bottles, and god only knew what else, everywhere. It looked like every piece of crockery they owned lay shattered into pieces on their kitchen floor.  What the hell had happened?  Had Jared done this?_  
  
 _Hesitantly, she knelt down next to him, gagging slightly at the strong smell of alcohol coming from him._ _One of his hands was bleeding – that was obviously where the blood had come from – and the other one was clutching something so tightly Jared’s knuckles had turned white.  Her jaw tightened because she knew_ exactly _what was in his fist._  
  
 _“Jared, what happened?” she asked, placing her hand on his shoulder, but he just shrugged off her touch and moved out of reach._  
  
 _He was still crying, his eyes red and swollen, and she honestly couldn’t believe what she was seeing._  
  
 _“Why…why did you marry me?”_  
  
 _She was instantly snapped out of her shock by his slurred words and she quickly replied, “Because I love you.” It was the truth, but it didn’t seem to be what Jared wanted to hear, not if the short, bitter laugh he let out in response was anything to go by._  
  
 _“How can you love a_ _monster_ _?  Because that’s what I am,” he said, staring at the silver ring in his hand. “How could_ _anyone_ _ever love me?” He made a fist around the ring again, bringing it up to press against his forehead as he closed his eyes. “I’m just a coward.  I always run away when things get too hard.” Genevieve didn’t have a clue what he was talking about, so she just stayed silent.  She had a feeling he wasn’t really talking to her anyway. “I had everything I’d ever wanted but I just threw it away like…like it was nothing,” he continued, letting out an angry snort as he opened up his hand again to look at the ring. “I didn’t even fight for it.”_  
  
 _Genevieve’s eyes filled with tears at that, because…now she understood.  She knew the reason why Jared didn’t,_ _couldn’t_ _, love her, and she also knew why he never put down that goddamn ring._  
  
 _But Jared wasn’t the only coward in that room, so she ignored it all.  She just pulled him up and guided him to bed, and they never spoke about it again._  
  
That had been three days ago and Jared has barely left his office since.  He doesn’t come up to bed till long after Gen has gone to sleep and he leaves before dawn in the morning.  And she can’t _stand_ it anymore.  So she marches up to his office door on the fourth day, ready to barge in and demand he stop acting like such an asshole, but what she hears through the door pulls her up short.    
  
It’s Jared, but he sounds different.  He’s _never_ spoken to her like that; hell, she’d have never believed him capable of speaking with such tenderness had she not been hearing it with her own two ears.  
  
“ _Please_ don’t hang up,” Jared says, and Genevieve just can’t reconcile that voice with the man she knows.  He sounds too young, too lost, to be _her_ Jared.  “Say something, Jen.”   
  
All the air rushes out of her lungs at that, and she realises suddenly who’s on the other end of the line – the owner of that goddamn ring.  
  
“Please, I just want to talk.”    
  
She eases the door open slightly, her hands shaking with anger, as she listens to her husband _beg_ this woman to see him behind her back.    
  
“Yeah, of course, whatever you want, Jensen.”  
  
Wait, what?   
  
_Jensen_?  
  
Jared’s talking to a guy? She laughs under her breath at herself; of course, Jared doesn’t have a fucking mistress.   But she still can’t understand why Jared’s getting so worked up over a buddy?  
  
“That’s fine,” Jared says after a few moments and Gen’s whole body goes cold as she watches Jared take that ring out of his pocket and lay it in his palm.  “I promise.”  Her jaw tightens because there it is again – that voice being directed at someone else.  
  
“Jen, I… _fuck_!”   
  
She flinches when the cell hits the wall, shattering into a thousand pieces, and stares at Jared with wide eyes.  Who _is_ this man?  Because it’s not her husband.    
  
As she stands there, she tries to place the name she’d heard.  Is Jensen Jared’s brother?  She’d thought his name was Jeff, but she could’ve gotten that wrong.  Jared hardly ever talks about his brother so maybe…  
  
But no…Jared wouldn’t speak to his brother like that, would he?  
  
So maybe…maybe this Jensen’s a friend from work, except…Gen’s never met anyone of that name, and she knows all of Jared’s friends. No, Gen’s sure she’s never heard that name before, and the fact Jared’s kept this man hidden from her scares her more than anything else.    
  
Well, one thing’s for sure, Gen’s going to fight for her marriage even if Jared won’t.  And that means she needs to get some answers, and she knows exactly where to go to for them.    
  
Quietly, she steps away from the door and goes up to their bedroom, before pulling out her cell and dialling a very familiar number.   “Hey, Meg, it’s Genevieve,” she says when Meghan picks up.  “Actually, no, I was wondering if we could meet up and have a little chat?”   
    
 


	7. Chapter Seven.

_I need a summer but it’s winter in my heart...  
_ _It's all the same,  
The fucked up game, you play with me.  
I need to hold you but you're never coming back... VAST ‘Winter in My Heart’_  
  
 _Drip._  
  
 _Drip._  
  
 _Drip._  
  
Jensen focuses on that sound, letting all his thoughts melt away into the water.  
  
 _Drip._  
  
 _Drip._  
  
He doesn’t know how long he’s been lying in the bathtub, but he thinks it’s been quite a while. His fingers are wrinkled and there are goosebumps all along his arms and chest, but he doesn’t feel cold.  He doesn’t feel anything.  
  
 _Drip._  
  
He lets his head sink under the rapidly cooling water, and wonders for a moment what would happen if he just didn’t come up again.  
  
If he just floated away.  
  
He can still hear the water dripping as he stares up at the hazy ceiling and lets his mind wander.  
  
 _This was it, he thought, as he stared down at his portfolio leaning against the wall. Jensen’s whole career, his whole_ _future_ _, rested with that black file, or more accurately_ _with the photographs inside it. Each photograph was part of him, meant __so_ _much to him, and if they didn’t think they were good enough then, really, they’d be saying_ _Jensen_ _wasn’t good enough._  
  
 _He closed his eyes and took a deep breat_ _h, before letting his head fall back against the wall.  It wasn’t long before his eyes were drawn back to his portfolio though; he didn’t think he’d ever been more nervous in his entire life._  
  
 _“You shouldn’t ogle it like that, Jen; you’re making it uncomfortable.”_  
  
 _Normally, he would’ve laughed at that, maybe said something about not wanting to give his portfolio a complex.  But not today._  
  
 _“Do you think they’ll like them?” he said instead, sounding so uncertain he instantly wanted to take it back._  
  
 _“They’re stunning, Jen, and if they can’t see that, well, then screw them.” Jensen smiled slightly at the confidence in Jared’s voice, and turned to face him. God, right then, he wanted nothing more than for Jared to pull him into his strong arms and hold him.  But he’d never dare ask for it, because there was just no way Jared felt the same way he did.  Confident, amazing, wonderful Jared…yeah, there was just no way._  
  
 _Jared had changed a lot over the last year - going from that shy teenager to someone totally comfortable in their own skin – and Jensen was so proud of him. Sure, Jared’s impulsiveness worried him at times, scared that it might get Jared hurt one day, but Jensen loved his fearlessness.   He loved that Jared_ _wore his heart on his sleeve and hid nothing from the world - that openness was one of his favourite things about his friend._  
  
 _“Seriously, Jen, I don’t see how anyone couldn’t,” Jared reached out to cup Jensen’s cheek, “love them.” But before Jensen_ _could really relish the touch Jared was pulling his hand away with a frown and stepping back.     Jared paced in front of him…  looking almost nervous, which was weird because Jared never got nervous.  _  
  
_Jensen was clearly missing something here. He played back what Jared had just said and something clicked._  
  
 _Wait…maybe…that had sounded a little like Jared was trying to say he lov…no…that couldn’t be…_  
  
 _Could it?_  
  
 _Jensen bit his lip and screwed up all the courage he had – it was now or never – as he reached out to brush Jared’s bangs out of his eyes. “Do_ _you_ _love them, Jay?”_  
  
 _Jared’s hazel eyes flickered towards him. “Surely, you know?”_  
  
 _“Know wh-”_  
  
 _Lips crashed into Jensen’s, cutting him off, and Jensen couldn’t help the little shocked noise he made.  It didn’t last long, though, and after a few moments, Jared pulled back and said, “God, I love every single thing to do with you, Jensen.  How could you now know that?”_  
  
 _Jensen stared up at Jared, completely stunned, before he felt a smile spread across his face.  “Really?” he asked, smiling wider when Jared just nodded because that was just…amazing.  Unbelievable.  Everything he’d ever wanted._ _So before he could talk himself out of it, he grabbed Jared by his shirt and pulled him in for another kiss._  
  
 _Jared growled low when Jensen brought his hands up to tangle in Jared’s hair, licking deeper into Jensen’s mouth.   Jared’s strong hands dropped to his hips, gripping hard and pulling Jensen against his body, and Jensen moaned and pressed even closer._  
  
 _But,_ _out of nowhere, a loud crash to their left had them jumping apart, and Jensen hissed at the sudden pain in his head. Something dripped down the side of his face, thick and wet, and Jensen reached up to wipe it away.  _  
  
_It was blood._  
  
 _He looked up at Jared, panic flooding his veins, and gasped when he saw a much older Jared standing in front of him.  A Jared wearing a cruel smirk and saying, “Red really isn’t your col…”_  
  
His eyes snap open as he starts screaming, and water quickly fills his mouth. He resurfaces, spluttering and coughing, and tries to take a breath.  
  
“Shit,” Jensen wheezes, running a shaky hand down his face.  
  
 _Drip._  
  
 _Drip._  
  
 _Drip._  
  
 _****_  
  
“So, you finally decided to grace us with your presence, eh princess?” Chris says, giving him a lazy smirk, but Jensen hears the concern behind his words. He wonders sourly why Chris can’t just ask him if he’s alright, instead of pussyfooting around it like he always does.  Jensen isn’t going to fall apart just because of a damn question.  
  
His irritation quickly melts away though when he catches sight of the bruises on Chris’ face – the bruises that are all Jensen’s fault – leaving only guilt behind.  But he knows Chris wants to talk about what happened about as much as Jensen does, so he just grabs a beer from the fridge and takes a seat next to Steve.  They can talk about it just about never.      
  
When Chris comes in with dinner, Jensen kind of wants to throw up.  Normally, it would’ve smelt wonderful, but right now the smell’s making his stomach lurch, and he’s sure he won’t be able to eat any of it.  
  
As if Chris can read his mind, he sits down beside him and says quietly, “Jen, you need to eat.”   Jensen doesn’t need to look at his friends to know they’re staring at him now, both wearing that identical worried expression.  The one he’s seen way too much over the last three years.    
  
_“You should really watch what you eat.”_  
  
His hand starts to shake, but he just about manages to get the food into his mouth.  
  
 _“Seriously, Jensen, that junk_ _is gonna make you fat.”_  
  
He barely makes it to the trash can before the food comes back up again. He tenses slightly when a hand starts to rub his back, but relaxes when he looks up to see concerned blue eyes instead of hard, cold hazel ones.  “Are you sick, Jen?” Chris asks, pressing the back of his hand to Jensen’s forehead.  “You don’t feel hot.”  
  
“I’ll have you know I’m _very_ hot,” he says as he pushes Chris’ hand away and rinses his mouth  out at the sink.    
  
“You sure are, Jenny,” Chris says, chuckling under his breath and guiding Jensen back to his chair.  “Does anything hurt?”   
  
_Every single day._ “No,” he says.  “I’m just feeling a little off today.”  He’s met with matching disbelieving looks from his friends at that so he quickly adds, “I’m okay, _really_.”  
  
Chris lets out a sad sigh, and takes the seat across from him. “He's gone, Jensen.”  
  
“This isn’t about him, Chris.”  
  
Neither of them says anything else after that, but Chris doesn’t have to.  Jensen knows exactly what Chris wants to say….and he’s grateful his friend stays silent.    
  
****  
  
It’s not until later that evening, when they’re all sitting on the sofa watching a movie, that Jensen reaches into his pocket and touches the business card.   
  
_It’s always about Jared._  
  
He’s been ignoring that tiny card as much as he can these past few days, but he can’t do it anymore.   Jensen knows he’s an idiot for even _thinking_ about calling Jared, but that day he’d seen _his_ Jared again, even if it had only been for a second.   
  
He sneaks to the bathroom during the commercial break and stares at himself in the mirror.  What the hell’s he doing?  
  
That doesn’t stop him pulling the card out, though, and it doesn’t stop him from dialling the number written across it.  
  
“Hello?”   
  
Jensen hangs up instantly and tosses the phone into the sink, feeling disgusted at himself.  It’s not fair.  He just doesn’t understand it – what did he do to deserve this?  
  
He backs into the wall and slides down it as his cell starts to ring.  The sound echoes ominously off the walls, and he quickly wraps his arms around his knees, praying that Jared will give up soon because…Jensen’s changed his mind.  He can’t handle talking to him now…he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to talk to Jared again.    
  
_“I know it’s not much but it can be ours, Jen, just you and me.”_  
  
Tears gather at the corners of Jensen’s eyes and he fucking hates how pathetic he is.  Fuck, how did he end up here?  
  
 _****_  
  
“Chris, do we really need this much food?” Jensen asks, staring down at the veritable mountain of food in their shopping cart.  
  
“Hell yeah, Jen, it’s a party.”  
  
“And that means we need enough food to feed the five thousand, does it?” He picks up the three bags of marshmallows and shoves them back on the shelf.   “Marshmallows, really? What are you, five?”  
  
Chris dumps another six pack in the cart and looks across at him with a frown. “What’s wrong with marshmallows?” he asks, sounding so confused – and almost insulted on the marshmallows’ behalf - that Jensen can’t help but laugh.  He shakes his head, but doesn’t stop Chris from reacquiring his damn marshmallows and throwing them back into the cart.  
  
Chris takes out his overly list then, checking off each item. “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes…”  
  
“ _Please_ tell me we’re nearly done?” Jensen says, looking back down at the full cart. “I don’t think we’re going to be able to get much  more in the truck.”  
  
“Yeah, we’re done.  And don’t be so melodramatic, Jen, we’ll get all this in no problem.”   
  
Jensen gives the cart a doubtful look and shrugs, “If you say so.  Just don’t come crying to me when Steve rips you a new one for buying the entire alcohol section.”  
  
“Aww, come on, Jen, don’t be such a misery bastard,” Chris says, putting his arm around Jensen’s shoulders as he guides their trolley towards the check out. “It’s a party; it’s meant to be fun.  You know, _fun_ …that thing you nev-” his words trail off into a hiss when Jensen, _justifiably_ , elbows in his stomach.   
  
The elderly woman manning the checkout gives them an odd look before she starts scanning their groceries, but all it takes is one of Chris’ million dollar smiles and she’s eating out of the palm of his hand.   
  
Once the groceries are packed and they’ve paid, they carry the eight – yes, _eight_ – bags out to Chris’ truck and start to load them inside.  Jensen’s just squeezing the last one in when his cell goes off.  They both freeze because everyone on Jensen’s phone has a personalised ringtone, and the one playing isn’t any of those.  
  
His stomach drops when he fishes his cell out of his pocket and sees an unknown number flashing across the screen.  He knows without a doubt that it’s Jared, and he’d rather toss the phone away than answer it right now. But Chris is already sending a suspicious look his way, and he knows Chris will have questions if Jensen doesn’t answer it.  And there’s no way he’s ever telling Chris that he called Jared first. So, giving Chris what he hopes is a casual smile, he walks away from the truck and presses the green button.   
  
“Hi,” Jared says uncertainly, and it’s those nerves in his voice that keep Jensen from hanging up. “I wasn’t sure if I should call, but I had to.” Jensen doesn’t know what to say to that, because he’d been the one to start this.  He can blame Jared for many things, but this really isn’t one of them.  “Please don’t hang up.”   
  
Jensen’s still not said anything yet; he doesn’t really have anything to say to Jared that he hasn’t already said at one time or another.  What does Jared want from him?  Why did he come looking for him that day?  
  
“Say something.”   
  
_Like what?_ _Jensen thinks, as he stares up at the clouds floating by._  
  
“Jen?” Jensen’s heart skips a beat at hearing his nickname from Jared’s lips again, and he hates himself for it.  Jared doesn’t have the right to call him that anymore; he gave that up the night he left Jensen for dead on their living room floor. “Please, I just want to talk.”   
  
Jensen sighs – he can’t believe he’s doing this, but he knows he needs closure if he’s ever going to move on – and says, “There’s a park nearby; it’s on Church Lane. I can meet you there on Sunday around two, if you’re free?” _And your wife doesn’t mind_.  He almost adds that, can  almost taste the bitter words on his tongue, but stops himself at the last moment.  He doesn’t want to fight with Jared, not again.     
  
Jared lets out a breath and says, “That’s fine.”  
  
“This is the only chance you’re going to get, so you better show up.”  
  
“I promise,” Jared says, and Jensen fights the urge to laugh because he learned a long time ago not to trust Jared’s promises.  
  
He hears footsteps, and looks up to see Chris walking towards him.  
  
“Jen, I-”  
  
Jensen quickly snaps his cell closed and turns to his friend, hoping the smile on his face doesn’t look as fake as it feels.  
  
“Who was that?” Chris asks, and Jensen feels like shit when he lies and says it was Danneel. He feels even worse when Chris just accepts it, trusting that Jensen would never lie to him.  
  
Once they’re back in the truck, Chris starts the engine and heads home.  Jensen rests his forehead against the cold glass and just listens to Chris ramble on; he doesn’t have the energy to do anything else.    
  
****  
  
He smells smoke the moment he steps out the backdoor. He looks around to see Chris bringing the barbeque to life and Steve setting mismatched chairs around a table and putting out plates and silverware.  Steve’s also strung up some coloured lanterns around the yard, each one casting a warm glow against the darkening sky, and Jensen thinks everything looks kind of perfect.   
  
Jensen smiles and goes back inside to grab the food, but he doesn’t get as far as kitchen before there’s a knock on the door.  It’s Mike, his wife, Allison, and their three year old daughter, Abby.  They’re quickly followed by Sam and Jeff, then Tom and finally the Murray Clan.  It’s more people than Jensen thinks they’ve _ever_ had over  to the house all at once.  That’s his fault too.  
  
****  
  
The night wears on, and as Jensen stands there listening to them all talk about their lives, he realises how much he loves them.  They’re his family, a rather _peculiar_ family, yes, but they’re a family that _wants_ him.  He hates that his real family isn’t here, that they won’t ever see his house or meet his friends, because they _don’t_ want him.  That thought dampens his mood entirely, and he quickly  slips away from the group and back into the house.  
  
“How are you doing, Jen?”   
  
_Dammit_.  He came in here to get away from everyone for a moment, but trust Chad to follow him anyway.  “I’m good,” he lies, passing Chad another beer. “You?  Lilly still keeping you guys up every night?”   
  
Chad doesn’t smile, just leans against the kitchen counter and opens his beer.  Jensen sighs; he really doesn’t want to have this conversation tonight.  Or ever, in fact.    
  
“I may not know you as well as Chris, but even I can tell that was bullshit.” Jensen opens his own beer and downs almost half the bottle so he doesn’t have to answer.  What’s he supposed to say anyway?  “Come on, Jen, I know Jared showed up.”  
  
Jensen chokes slightly before asking, “Who told you?”  
  
“No one had to tell me.  I can tell by the way Chris and Steve are keeping even _closer_ tabs on you than usual,” Chad says, nodding his head towards the window.   Jensen looks out and sees Steve watching them with narrowed eyes. “Did you speak to him?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
They drink in silence for a few moments and he knows Chad wants to ask what happened, but his friend surprises him when he doesn’t.  “When he showed up, I was so angry,” Chad starts, his grip tightening on his beer bottle, “but, fuck, part of me was pleased to see him.” His hands start to tremble a little. “I feel awful for even thinking that.”  
  
Jensen doesn’t answer because he knows what that feels like – being glad to see Jared, and feeling guilty for it.    
  
“I mean, I hate him for what he did to you, like, _really_ hate him for it but…but he was my best friend, and…fuck, I miss him.”  Chad takes another long pull of beer before continuing, “I’ve seen so many different sides of Jared now that I honestly can’t tell which the  real one is anymore.  Can a person really cha-”  
  
“Hey, Chad, you mind going to help Sam with Chris?”  They both look up as Steve wanders into the kitchen and Jensen can’t deny that he’s relieved to see him.  There’s not enough beer in the _world_ to get him through the talk  Chad wants to have.  “I’m afraid she might just barbeque him too if someone doesn’t drag him away from it.”  
  
“Oh, right…sure, man,” Chad says, looking a little ashamed, like he’s just realised what he was saying.  “Um…I’ll catch you later, Jen.” With that, Chad hurries out the door, and Jensen can’t help but wonder if the only talent he has left is his amazing ability to run off his friends.   
  
He clenches his jaw and looks up to find Steve watching him. “I’m fine,” he says through gritted teeth, not sure who he’s more annoyed at right then – himself for being so fucking damaged that his friends can’t even talk to him anymore, or Steve for still caring in spite of all that.  
  
“I know,” Steve says, tone light.  “I was just getting myself another beer.”  Which is bullshit because Jensen _knows_ the bucket of beer sitting next to the barbeque is still half full, but he doesn’t call Steve on it.  Steve just saved his ass, and, annoyed or not, Jensen’s grateful to him for it.    
  
He watches Steve open his beer and says, “Thanks,” because he knows he doesn’t say that enough.  
  
“Don’t mention it,” Steve shrugs, before walking towards the door.  He turns at the last moment though, giving Jensen a small smile as he adds, “Just don’t stay in here too long, or you’ll miss Sam schooling Chris on how to barbeque.  You should see the look on his’ face – it’s fucking priceless.”  
  
Jensen huffs out a laugh at that, feeling some of the tension leave his shoulders.  _Thank God for Steve,_ he thinks for what must be the millionth time in his life, and he feels a smile touch his own lips when he says, “Wouldn’t wanna miss that.  I’ll be out in a minute, okay?”  
  
Steve nods and disappears out the door, leaving Jensen alone with his thoughts again. And that’s never a good thing, so he takes a deep breath before making good on his promise and heading back outside.   
  
__He can do this…he can…  
  



	8. Chapter 8

Just as an FYI, I realised today that since I'd been posting all my edited chapters from Word, there were probaby a ton of missing words/letters all over them.  AO3 does that for some reason - it doesn't like Word so it randomly deletes stuff when you copy and paste from there - and I'd forgotten that...I haven't posted anything straight from Word in years.  So, very sorry about that.  I've spent today reposting all the edited chapters (minus chater one obviously because I don't have that saved) so hopefully they're all fine now. Sorry about that...I should've remembered... :-/. And if you see anything weird, please tell me; I just don't have time right now to re-read 40,000 words again...thanks. :-)

~~So...I seem to have deleted the version of CHAPTER ONE I originally edited and posted here. Did anyone download it yet or copy it? If so, could you let me know so I can get a copy from you.~~

~~I swear to God, this story is causing me more grief than all of my actual fics combined. :-/~~

~~I'd be very grateful if anyone could help me out here. Thanks.~~

~~Saltandburnboys...~~

Edit - THANK YOU SO MUCH, LINDA, YOU'RE AWESOME!! :-D xx


	9. Chapter Eight.

_I've been watching your world from afar,  
_ _I've been trying to be where you are,  
And I've been secretly falling apart, unseen.- Aqualung ‘Strange & Beautiful’_  
  
  
Tom knows there’s nothing more important in life than the person by your side, the person you share your heart with, but lately Tom’s person has started to drift away from him.  And Tom worries that, one day, he won’t even be able to see his person anymore.  
  
  
And it’s devastating.   
  
  
Honestly, he’d been doomed the day he set eyes on Mike Rosenbaum, and he’s been falling deeper and deeper into that black hole ever since.    
  
  
Which is just ridiculous because he and Mike…they’re just so different.  Like chalk and cheese.  Where Tom’s organised, Mike’s life’s so messy and unfocused it makes Tom twitch; where Tom’s quiet, Mike’s louder than a marching band; where Tom holds everything inside, Mike bares his soul to the entire world.  Chalk and fucking cheese, and Tom still loves him.   
  
  
Of course, he’s never told Mike any of this – he wouldn’t risk their friendship for anything, especially not now Mike’s got himself a wife and a beautiful baby girl.  But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still feel it; he’s just gotten a lot better at hiding it over the years.  
  
  
He remembers the day Mike and Allison met, and the hurt is still as fresh now as it had been all those years ago.    
  
  
_“Hey, who’s that girl with Mike?”_  
  
  
 _Tom looked over to where Max was pointing and saw Mike talking to a cute, little blonde he’d never seen before. His eyes narrowed when Mike leaned in close and whispered something in the girl’s ear; he wanted nothing more than to march over there and rip Mike_ _away from her.  Because that look on Mike’s face…well, Tom had never seen Mike look at anyone quite like that before.  Was this the day it happened?  Was this the day Tom finally lost him to someone else?  Please God…no…_  
  
  
 _“Woah, you okay, man? You look kinda pale,” Max asked, resting a hand on Tom’s tense shoulder, but Tom couldn’t tear his eyes away from Mike to look at him. He raged at his best friend inside his head, screaming the words he’d never have the guts to say to Mike’s face._  
  
  
 ** _See me._**  
  
  
 ** _Want me._**  
  
  
 **Love _me._**  
  
  
 _But Mike didn’t even glance his way, not once, and eventually it got too much for him and Tom had to get out of there._ _His heart ached in his chest, crushed and bleeding, and he was full out running by the ti me he made it to the parking lot.  He could barely see through the tears blurring his vision as he opened his car door and slipped inside.  _  
  
  
Tom doubts the wound from that day will ever truly heal, but he wishes it would at least scab over – a scar he could deal with, but this aching, gaping hole inside him is almost unbearable.   
  
  
He doesn’t hate Allie for taking Mike away from him; she’s a truly wonderful person and she _does_ make Mike happy.  But there are times when he has to leave the room because he can’t take seeing them together, seeing them so happy, anymore.   
  
  
But as happy as Mike is with Allie, Tom thinks he’d probably regret never telling Mike how he feels had it not been for Abby, Mike’s little girl.  Because she’s a marvel, and Tom loves her like she’s his own, and he can’t ever regret her being brought into the world.  So, yes, he still wishes Mike was his, but he can’t say he wishes he’d made a different choice.  Not anymore.  
  
  
But Tom’s only human.  He can admit that he’s thought about it.  Thought about throwing his morals out the window and going after the only thing he’s ever truly wanted in his life.  But he’s never done it…isn’t sure he even could, knowing everything he’d be destroying in the process.  Could he ever be that selfish?  He hopes not.       
  
  
But recently, something’s changed.  It started the day they met Jensen, and everything’s been just a bit different since then.    
  
  
Jensen’s strange, to put it mildly.  He’s got this closed off, almost withdrawn, air about him, and his smile’s always just a little crooked, like it’s taking every ounce of energy he has to put it on his face, and even then it’s not quite right.  Tom’s been able to piece enough together now to know that something awful happened to Jensen, something that changed him forever, and he wonders what could be so horrible to break a person that badly.  
  
  
He thinks someone hurt Jensen.  He doesn’t _know_ that, of course, but he’s seen the way Jensen reacts to anyone new - the way he looks at the floor and not into the person’s eyes, the way he flinches away from any kind of physical contact.  Hell, it had taken three months to convince Jensen to even come out for drinks with him and Mike.  It’s shocking, and _sad_ , because Jensen is just about the kindest person Tom’s ever met.  He can’t imagine why anyone would want to hurt him.     
  
  
And he’s fucking gorgeous, even with the faded scar running across his hairline.  In a way, it only makes him more attractive, more _enthralling_ – adding a vulnerable beauty to his already perfect face.  And Jensen doesn’t even know it.  He’s completely oblivious to the eyes that follow  him in the college corridors, and blind to the lustful stares he gets every time they go to the bar down the street.    
  
  
Tom’s not immune to it either; he’s caught himself staring at Jensen, just like all the rest of them, more than once.  And on top of all that, Tom genuinely likes spending time with him.  He almost can’t believe it after spending so long pining over Mike, but lately he’s found himself wondering whether two broken halves could ever fit together to make a whole.      
  
  
But for that to happen, he needs to get to know Jensen and find out what happened to make Jensen the way he is.  That’s not going to be easy, though, because Jensen doesn’t talk to anyone about his past.  Save maybe Chris Kane, but Chris certainly isn’t going to be divulging that information to Tom any time soon.  But Tom’s nothing if not patient and he can wait, because there’s one thing he knows better than anything else - nothing stays secret forever.   
  
  
****  
  
  
Jared Padalecki.  
  
  
That’s it.  The most important piece of the puzzle.  
  
  
Tom has never seen Jensen show as many emotions as he had with Jared, going from terrified to heartbroken to raging mad all in a matter of minutes.  
  
  
And Jared…what a strange guy.  At the start, he’d seemed almost indifferent to Jensen, but the longer Tom had watched him, the more he’d seen swirling in the man’s eyes - guilt and pain and a sadness of his own.    
  
  
It had been fascinating, as terrible as that sounds.  But the two of them, they’d been so in sync with one another, without either of them even realising it.  And the way they’d looked at each other – like they both hated and loved the person they were staring at – well, Tom had never seen anything quite like it before yesterday.  
  
  
Christian Kane had also been a surprise.  He’d been nothing like Tom had expected after everything Jensen had said about him.  Just over five and a half feet tall, and so damn protective of Jensen Tom had been genuinely worried that he might actually take Jared’s head off at one point.  Jensen’s only ever had good things to say about Chris, so Tom had been more than a little shocked to see the guy smashing another man’s head through the window of Mike’s car.  
  
  
Of course, the Chris he’d been introduced to once Jared was far, far away had been a completely different person, and much more like the person he’d always imagined.   He’d been kind and polite and so terribly ashamed of the damage he’d done to Mike’s car – it had been like meeting two completely different people.  That’s been happening a lot to Tom these days, but it doesn’t get any less disorientating every time it happens.    
  
  
But that drama had been _nothing_ compared to the clusterfuck he’d faced in the car on the drive home.   
  
  
_“You like him,” Mike said abruptly as he drove them out of the college parking lot._  
  
  
 _It wasn’t a question, it was a statement, but Tom chose to answer anyway with a simple but true, “I don’t know.” Sure, Jensen interested him and he was gorgeous, but he wasn’t really sure he could deal with all the baggage Jensen would inevitably bring to a relationship.  And that wasn’t even considering the feelings_ _he_ _still had for Mike._  
  
  
 _“It’s simple, Tommy, you either like him or don’t,” Mike snapped back, his fingers tightening around the wheel._  
  
  
 _Tom frowned.  What the fuck? “It’s not simple actually,” he said, trying to keep his voice level in spite of Mike’s tone. “Look, I like him, but who knows if there could ever be anything more between u-” his words cut off into a sharp gasp as the car came to screeching halt and he was slammed into the dashboard._  
  
  
 _Jesus Christ._  
  
  
 _He twisted around in his seat to look out the back window, thanking God there were no cars behind them, before turning to Mike and yelling, “What the hell, Mike?”_  
  
  
 _Mike’s jaw tightened as he glared out the windshield._  
  
  
 _“Mike?”_  
  
  
 _Still no answer, barely any reaction at all,_ _and Tom’s anger was quickly replaced by worry.  Reaching over, he uncurled each of Mike’s fingers from the wheel and held them in his own.  He fought back a wince when Mike instantly tightened his  grasp, gripping Tom’s fingers like he’d been gripping the steering wheel.  _  
  
  
_After a few moments, Mike broke the silence between them to whisper, “I don’t think he’s right for you.”_  
  
  
 _Tom didn’t know_ _what possessed him to ask the next question, but all of a sudden it was out there and he couldn’t take it back, “And who do you think __is_ _right for me?”_  
  
  
 _Mike didn’t answer him though; he just looked away and pulled his hands away from Tom’s. A moment later, they were back on the wheel and he was starting the engine. “You saw him today with that Pada-whatever guy.”_  
  
  
 _“Yeah, I did, but that doesn’t mean anything.  Like I said, maybe in the future Jensen will be ready to move on,” Tom said, even though he sincerely doubted it after what he’d witnessed today.  But a curious – and perhaps a little masochistic – part of him wanted to see how Mike would react to that possibility.  He was clearly way more interested in Tom dating Jensen than Tom had thought he would be, and Tom really wanted to know why._  
  
  
 _“Like you are?”_  
  
  
 _Tom blinked in surprise, not quite sure what he’d just heard.  Had Mike just…no…he couldn’t know about that._  
  
  
 _But then suddenly he was being kissed, and all he could do was sit there while his lips got mauled in the front seat of Mike’s Honda Civic._  
  
  
 _Tom had fantasised a million times what it would be like to kiss Mike, and this was nothing like any of those fantasies.  This felt dirty and wrong, and he kind of hated Mike right then for ruining this for him._ _Feeling sick to his stomach , he pushed Mike away and tried to get a hold of himself._  
  
  
 _He wanted Mike, he always would, but that ring on Mike’s finger…it_ _meant_ _something.  It meant something more important than a fleeting, jealously fuelled kiss that could never go anywhere._  
  
  
 _When he’d finally gotten his breathing and heart rate back under control, he looked over at Mike.  His best friend had his forehead pressed against the steering wheel and his eyes closed, but Tom could see the tear tracks on his cheeks._  
  
  
 _“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”_  
  
  
 _Tom didn’t know if Mike meant for the kiss, or…or for everything else.  In the end, it didn’t matter because this couldn’t go anywhere, couldn’t be more than this.  And that just wasn’t enough for him._  
  
  
After that, he’d tried to talk to Mike about it – clear the air or whatever – but Mike had just brushed him off every time.  So, he’d stopped asking and started working on putting it behind him.  It had happened; it wasn’t going to happen again.  End of story.  
  
  
****  
  
  
It’s Saturday evening and Tom’s standing on a beach in the middle of nowhere, eating barbeque and drinking beer.   And while he’s spoken to everyone at the party, he’s only really interested in Jensen.   He’s been watching him most of the night actually, trying to get a bead on him, so he sees when Jensen drifts away from the group and into the house.  He kind of wants to follow him, but when he tries to, a hand on his arm pulls him back.  When he turns around, he finds himself staring at the only person at the party he really doesn’t want to talk to.    
  
  
He doesn’t fight when Mike pulls him away though – what’s the fucking point; Mike never takes no for an answer – and lets Mike lead him to a more secluded part of the beach.   Mike’s hand travels down his arm then till it reaches Tom’s hand and he locks their little fingers together, obviously not all that bothered that his damn wife is less than ten feet away.    
  
  
“What did you have to do today that was so important you couldn’t ride with us?” Mike asks, taking a swig of the beer in his other hand.  
  
  
Tom rolls his eyes.  “Like I said on the phone, Mike, I had to pop in to see my mom.”   
  
  
Mike instantly pulls his hand away at that, and his voice has a hard edge to it when he says, “That’s funny ‘cause I called your mom and she said she hasn’t seen you since last week.”  
  
  
Tom turns to Mike then, completely shocked.  “Seriously?” he asks, incredulous.  “You’re checking up on me now?” Who the fuck does Mike think he is?   
  
  
“I just wanted to know why you were brushing m- _us_ off,” Mike shrugs, like it’s no big deal.  But it _is_ a big deal…a big fucking deal.    
  
  
And it’s so fucking typical that _now_ Mike wants to talk, when Tom doesn’t want to anymore and when his wife is standing right next to them. “You're kidding me with this, right? You’ve been ignoring me all week and you’ve got the nerve to  say that _I_ brushed you off.  Un-fucking-believable,” he huffs, shaking his head.   
  
  
“Tommy, I-” Mike cuts off abruptly when he sees Steve walking over to them.   “We’ll talk soon, I promise,” he whispers in a hurried voice before grinning at Steve and taking one of the beers in Steve’s hand.   
  
  
****  
  
  
A few hours later, Tom finds Jensen sitting out on the front deck alone, a bottle of whiskey dangling from his fingers and his eyes closed. Tom doesn’t want to disturb him so he quietly retraces his steps; unfortunately, he doesn’t even make half way back before the wood creaks beneath his feet.  _Dammit_.   
  
  
“I don’t bite you know,” Jensen says, his voice smooth and deep as the whiskey in his hand.   
  
  
“Yeah, but your guard dogs might,” Tom replies, looking back to where both Chris and Steve are watching him through the kitchen window. He feels a laugh bubble up – what do they think he’s going to do? Run off with Jensen the second their backs are turned – but manages to swallow it down at the last moment.  
  
  
“Can’t do anything about them, I’m afraid, and I’d like to say their barks are worse than their bites but…,” Jensen takes a pull of whiskey, a smirk curling his lips.  “You’ve just gotta ask yourself whether I’m worth the risk?” It’s clearly a joke, but Tom can’t help thinking that getting to know Jensen better really might be worth incurring Chris’ wrath.   
  
  
They sit there for a long time, just passing the bottle back and forth, right up until the party starts to break up and Allie comes over.   
  
  
“You getting a ride back with us, love?” she says, shifting Abby higher in her arms.   
  
  
Tom surprises himself when he replies, “Nah, I think I’ll stick around here a bit longer.”  
  
  
“You sure?”   
  
  
Nodding, Tom gets up to give Allie a kiss on the cheek before walking her to the car.  “Yeah, it’s a nice night out, I don’t mind walking home.” Once the baby’s settled in the car, she gives him a hug before climbing in herself.    
  
  
He turns to go back to Jensen then, but Mike walks up and stops him. “Are you getting in?” It’s said with so much hope, like Tom riding home with them is the thing Mike wants most in the world right then, and Tom hates himself a little for letting Mike down.     
  
  
“I’m going to hang around for a bit longer, see if they need help tidying up,” he says, shaking his head.    
  
  
The smile instantly melts off Mike’s face and his eyes darken.  “They’ve got everything under control here, Tommy.  They don’t need you to stay.” Mike opens the car door and gestures for him to get in. “And I recorded the game last night, so why don’t you come home with us and we can watch it?”  
  
  
Tom almost wants to say yes, but he knows he can’t, because Mike’s not asking Tom to go home with him, he’s asking him to go home with _them_.  And it’s always going to be that way.  
  
  
“Come on, Tom, do you really think they want you hanging around here?” Mike pushes, and just like that, Tom knows he has to walk away from whatever this is before they do something they can’t take back.    
  
  
So he steels himself and says, “I’m sorry, but no.” Mike stares at him for a long moment, his eyes boring into Tom’s, then he leans in close, under the guise of a goodbye hug, and whispers something in Tom’s ear that completely knocks him for six.  
  
  
He can’t believe it.  He’d always thought it was just him in this; he hadn’t known that Mike was hurting too.  When he gets back to Jensen, he gratefully accepts the whiskey bottle and takes a long swallow.  It burns on the way down, but does nothing to dull the pain in his chest.  He’s not sure anything could.    
  
  
_“Please don’t do this._ _Please_ __…”  
 


	10. Chapter Nine.

** Chapter 9   
  
** _ If I apologised,  _  
_ It wouldn't make it all unhappen,  _  
_ Wouldn't make the darkness go away, _  
_ If I apologised, it wouldn't mean I was forgiven _  
_ Wouldn't mean you wanted me to stay – Josephine Cronholm ‘If I Apologised’ _  
  
_ Jared  _ had _to do this, so why was he hesitating?_   
  
_ Refusal simply wasn’t an option, especially when he couldn’t even explain what he was feeling.  Was it panic?  Was he worried because this job was going to be a huge change?  Was he scared because he was finally on the cusp of having everything he’d ever wanted, and it could so easily slip through his fingers?  _  
  
  
_ Honestly, he was surprised by how much he wanted this.  He hadn’t wanted anything this much since he set eyes on Jensen. _  
  
  
_ But something felt completely wrong. _  
  
  
_ Jared dropped his head into his hands, gripping his hair tightly and hoping the pain might help clear his mind a little.  It didn’t.  _  
  
  
_ “Jared?”  _  
  
  
_ The gentle touch to his cheek was enough to make Jared raise his head and look at Jensen.  His boyfriend was knelt on the floor in front of him, a worried frown marring his beautiful features, and Jared hated that he was the cause of it. _  
  
  
_ Jensen shouldn’t ever look like that. _  
  
  
_ Jared reached out and grabbed Jensen by the arm, pulling him up until he was settled in Jared’s lap.  Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen’s waist and closed his eyes, just breathing him in.  This was what he’d needed.  This was  _ all _he needed._   
  
  
  
_ “What’s wrong?” Jensen asked softly, running his fingers gently through Jared’s hair.   _  
  
  
_ “Just thinking,” Jared replied, feeling more relaxed than he’d felt in days with Jensen in his arms. _  
  
  
_ “Well, that’s a first,” Jensen said, and Jared could hear the smile in it.   _  
  
  
_ Letting out a mock gasp of outrage, Jared tightened his arms around Jensen, stood up and tossed him on the bed.  He was on Jensen before Jensen could even think about getting up.  Jensen smiled up at him, and Jared knew everything would be alright as long as Jensen always smiled at him like that.  _  
  
  
_ After a few moments, Jensen’s hands found their way back into Jared’s hair and his face turned serious again as he said, “If something’s bothering you, Jay, you know you can always tell me. You don’t ever need to hide anything from _  
_ me; I want to help.” _  
  
  
_ And Jared wanted to tell him – wanted to tell him so badly – but he couldn’t.  He wouldn’t risk losing that smile for anything. So instead, he dropped down and crashed their lips together.  Jensen let out a surprised gasp in response, but  _  
_ he quickly began to kiss Jared back, his hands tightening in Jared’s hair and pulling him closer. _  
  
  
_ Jared reached between them and began unbuttoning Jensen’s shirt, desperate to get his hands on Jensen’s warm, smooth skin.  They broke the kiss only for a moment to allow Jensen to shrug it off and onto the floor, and then Jared’s lips were back on Jensen’s and his tongue was licking into his mouth.   _  
  
  
_ Pulling back, Jensen panted out a low, ‘Please, Jared…please…’ _  
  
  
_ Jared kissed his way along Jensen’s jaw line, biting down gently on the sensitive spot behind Jensen’s ear, just to hear him moan.   He grinned when he felt Jensen’s legs open wider beneath him, spreading to make room for Jared between them, but he didn’t reach down to undo Jensen’s pants.  Not yet.  He wasn’t going to rush this.   _  
  
  
_ Sliding down Jensen’s body, he slowly kissed his way down Jensen’s throat and down his chest, loving every drawn out groan, every broken whisper of his name from Jensen’s lips.   _  
  
  
_ “What’s with the slowing pace?” Jensen panted, his voice low and tight.   _  
  
  
_ Jared laughed and climbed back up Jensen’s body to drop a quick kiss on his lips.  “Can’t I take it slow sometimes?” he asked, with a grin. _  
  
  
  
_ “You know Jeff would be fucking me by now, right?” _  
  
  
_ And Jared felt his heart just stop. _  
  
  
_ “Did you ju...” he shook his head in confusion.   “Did you just say you and my...” Jared couldn’t even finish the sentence, and his face must’ve shown some of his confusion because Jensen lips quickly curved into a cruel smirk.  _  
  
  
_ “Come on, Jared, you know Jeff’s always going to be better than you in every way.” Jensen said, letting out a cold laugh that sunk deep into Jared’s bones. _  
_ “I mean, the things he can do with his tongue...” Jensen’s smirk widened as he licked his lips. “And the way he just slams right into me, like he owns me…fuck, it’s so hot.”  Jensen’s hand trailed down Jared’s chest then, stopping when it reached his crotch and cupping him through his jeans.  ‘Just  _ thinking _about your brother fucking me gives me more of a thrill than you ever ha-”_   
  
  
_ Jensen’s words were cut off by Jared’s hands around his throat.  Jared didn’t even know how they’d gotten there, but he can’t keep from squeezing… _  
  
  
  
_ Just the idea of Jensen with anyone, let alone Jeff, was enough to have his hands tightening around Jensen’s pale throat.   _  
  
  
_ Then, suddenly, a low chuckle began to fill the room and from one blink to the next, it was no longer Jensen’s throat in his hands.  Instead, his fingers are wrapped around an older neck, more slender, less warm. _  
  
  
_ Jared choked in horror and scrambled off the bed.   _  
  
  
_ “I always knew you were half the man Jeff is,” his mother said, reaching out to take hold of his hands and place them back on her neck.  “Come on, Jared, show me you aren’t completely useless.” _  
  
  
_ Jared narrowed his eyes and tightened his grasp, tightened and tightened until it was Jensen back under him, staring up at him with lifeless green eyes and blood smeared across his face. _  
  
  
  
“Jen!”   
  
  
Jared bolts upright in bed, his heart hammering against his ribcage.  Running a shaking hand through his hair, he takes in the room around him and eventually lets out a sigh of relief.  It was just a dream, a nightmare from a different life, but it was so messed up, he wishes for the first time since he met Genevieve that she wasn’t away.  He doesn’t want to be alone with the echoes of that dream running around in his head.     
  
  
Jared knows he’s not going to be able to go back to sleep now, so he gets up and makes his way into the bathroom.  The cold water feels amazing against his flushed face, and he quickly wipes it across the back of his sweaty neck.  Once he’s satisfied he’s washed away all the sweat and tears from his face, he grabs a towel to dry off and looks into the mirror in front of him.     
  
  
  
And just for a second, it’s not his face he sees.  It Jensen’s.   
_ “Jared, please, I need help. I can’t ...please.” _  
  
  
Jared can’t move, just stares at Jensen’s pleading face.   
  
  
_ “Jared, I know, just please, I’m losing a lot of blood.” _  
  
  
Blood drips down Jensen’s forehead, stark against the ashen colour of his skin.  Jared closes his eyes, not able to look at it for a second longer, and when he opens them again, it’s his face he sees reflected in the glass.   
  
  
Fuck, is he going mad?     
  
  
Two hours and half a bottle of whiskey later, Jared still doesn’t know the answer to that question.   
  
  
_ **** _  
  
  
Jared glances down at his watch – his cab’s late, but it’s still early so he’s not all that worried.  He wanders into the kitchen to make himself a coffee while he waits, and for some reason, his mind …. of Jake.   
  
  
It had been one of Jared’s first cases, and it’s the one he knows he’ll never forget for as long as he lives.  He remembers staring at those photos for hours – the alley painted with blood and vomit; Jake bruises and broken in his hospital bed; the ruined knuckles of his attacker - and wishing someone else would just take the case of his hands.  But his mother hadn’t allowed it.  She’d said he needed to prove himself.   She’d told him he had to win, at _any cost…_ by _any_ _means necessary_.   
  
  
And Jared had.  He’d lied, paid off witnesses, fabricated evidence, all the while ignoring the pleading from Jake’s parents and the resigned acceptance he saw every time he looked into Jake’s scarred face.   
  
  
And what had he gotten for it?  The little shit, the fucker he’d gotten off, had come up to him and said, “Thanks, man, I owe you one. Gay twat got what he deserved, right?”   
  
  
Jared feels as sick now as he had back then, and his hand shakes as he pours his coffee.  He wonders where Jake is now, whether he hates Jared as much as Jared hated himself for what he did to him.     
  
  
He’s jogged out of his musings by the door bell, and he tosses the rest of his coffee down the sink before grabbing his coat and making his way to the door.  Best not to think about that now anyway; he needs to have a clear head when he talks to Jesnen, or this is going to be just as much of a disaster as it had been the other day.     
  
  
He’s nervous, but he can’t deny that there’s excitement flowing through his veins as well at the opportunity of seeing Jensen alone, without Chris breathing down their necks.  They might actually be able to talk for once.   
  
  
He needs to clear the air between them.  He needs Jensen to know that he never meant to hurt him.   
  
  
When he makes it out the front door and sees his cab – a bright pink flamingo is wound around the radio antenna and there are three blazoned across the side doors - he almost retreats back inside to call a different one.  But he’s already running late, and he really can’t risk Jensen leaving before he even get there, so he surreptitiously checks there aren’t any worrying looking dents in the car doors before climbing inside.     
  
  
There’s a whole troop of flamingo on the dashboard, and Jared is seriously starting to regret his decision when the cab judders to a start and speeds off.   He looks up and is met with playful, blue eyes in the rear view mirror before the man asks, “How are we today, sir?”   
  
  
“I’m fin…” Jared trails off when he notices the silver band on the guy’s finger. Now, Jared isn’t exactly one for spilling his guts to strangers, but talking to someone objective about all this seems like too good of an opportunity to pass up.  So instead of politely asking the guy to shut up, he asks, “How long have you been married?”   
  
  
“Coming up for six years,” the guy replies, and Jared almost wishes he’d never asked at hearing the devotion in the man’s voice.  It hurts to see someone so happily in love when Jared could so easily still have had that too, if he hadn’t been such an idiot. “She’ll actually tell you it’s only four, but I count the time we got hitched in front of a voodoo priest.”    
  
  
Um…okay…moving swiftly on.   
  
  
“Why did you marry your wife?”  It’s an intrusive and way too personal question to ask a stranger and Jared really doesn’t expect an answer.   
  
But the cabbie surprises him and answers almost immediately with a simple, “Because I love her.”   And even though he shouldn’t be, not after what he just asked, Jared’s completely wrong footed when the guy adds, “Why did _you_ marry your wife?”   
  
  
Jared thinks about it for a moment, before coming up with an answer as simple as the cabbie, if not nearly as noble.  “It felt like the right thing to do,” he says honestly.    
  
  
He feels the disappointment in the guy’s eyes like a weight on his shoulders, and he quickly moves to change the subject.  He doesn’t want to talk about Gen anyway.   “Could you ever forgive someone who hurt you?” he asks.     
  
  
“If they were sorry, then yes, I think I could,” the guy saying, nodding to Jared in the mirror.    
  
  
Not satisfied with that answer, Jared probes further, “What if someone hurt your wife?”   
  
  
“Hmm,” the cabbie says, “Now, _that_ is a much more difficult question.” Jared watches the man’s brows knit together as he thinks about it, and waits for him to come up with a response. It doesn’t take long.  “I suppose if my wife could learn to forgive them, then I guess I could as well.”   
  
  
“And if she couldn’t?  If she didn’t think they deserved her forgiveness?”   
  
  
“Then, I suppose the only thing that person can do is apologise over and over until she thinks they _do_ deserve it.”  There’s a soft smile on the man’s face now when Jared meets his eyes in the mirror.   
  
  
“You really believe everyone can make up for their sins?” Jared asks, his voice cracking slightly.    
  
  
“Yes.”   
  
  
Jared takes Jensen’s ring out of his pocket then and lays it in his palm.   Could this guy be right?  Did everyone deserve forgiveness, no matter how great their sins?  He stares at the ring, wondering whether Jensen thinks that way too.  Praying that he does.     
  
  
But he knows that’s not all he wants from Jensen.  He still lov-   
  
  
No, he can’t think about that yet.  One step at a time.     
  
  
He bites his lip, feeling suddenly more exposed than he has in years as he says, “I hurt... no that’s not right...I…”Jared runs a hand though his hair, “ _broke_ someone.” The words leave a sour taste on his tongue, but it’s the truth, and if Jared can’t own up to what he’s done to himself, then he’ll never be able to own up to it to Jensen.  His admission doesn’t seem to shock the cabbie, and he nods for Jared to continue, and Jared does, “A few years back, I was in   
a relationship and I did some truly _terrible_ things to them.”  A flash of Jensen bleeding amidst broken glass  snaps in front of his eyes and his heart clenches in his chest. “And I don’t know if I can fix that.”   
  
  
“Well,” the cabbie says after a few moments, his voice as calm and even as it had been when he’d first spoken.  “Human beings are remarkable creatures; even when we’ve been shattered and broken, we can still be put back together.”   
The guy’s eyes flicker down to Jensen’s ring in Jared’s hand. “I think you need to give this person more credit.  Tell them how you feel, tell them that you’re sorry, and maybe they’ll surprise you.”   
  
  
And before Jared can ask any further questions, the cab’s coming to a stop and the guy’s toting up his bill.     
  
  
Reaching over the seat, Jared hands the guy his fare, along with a hundred dollar tip for giving him the best advice he’s ever gotten.  He’d been so convinced that Jensen would never forgive him that he’d never even considered the possibility that Jensen might need to forgive him as much as Jared needs to be forgiven.  And if not, then at least he’ll finally have told Jensen how sorry he is for everything he’s done to him; he owes Jensen that much.  “Thank you,” his eyes flicker to the guy’s ID, “Misha.”   
  
  
****   
  
When Jared makes it to the park, Jensen’s already there, sitting on a bench in the sunlight.  And just for a moment, Jared’s back in college staring at Jensen through the canteen window, captivated and enthralled and unable to look away.  Then a cloud rolls in front of the sun and the fantasy’s broken as a shadow falls over the scene and Jared’s slammed back into the present with a painful jolt.     
  
  
Steeling himself, Jared walks over and is greeted with a completely different Jensen than the one he’d faced the other day.  Jensen had been a trembling mess then, but right now, Jensen is staring him right in the eye.  There’s defiance there, and strength, and Jared can’t help but smile as he sits down next to him on the bench.   
  
Unexpectedly, Jensen’s the one who speaks first. “Is this some new way to hurt me? Coming back like this?” he asks, turning away from Jared to look out at the park.     
  
  
Jared sighs and leans back against the wood.  “You know as well as I do that you needed me to come back.”    
  
It’s true, they both know it, and just because Jensen jumps up from the bench to snarl, ‘I don’t need _anything_ from you’ doesn’t make it any less so.    
  
  
Jared just shrugs as he says, “I saw the state you were in the other day.  You need closure on this just as much as I do.”   
  
  
Jensen lets out a bitter laugh then and shakes his head.  “You really don’t get it do you? I was fine before you showed up, before you turned up and started beating the shit out of my friends.”   
  
  
“Fine?” Jared says, incredulous.  “Look at you.”  Jensen flinches but Jared doesn’t that stop him, “You can’t weight more than 160…you’re wasting away, Jensen, and that happened long before I came back.”   
  
  
Jensen jaw twitches, and Jared knows he’s hit a nerve, but he doesn’t take it back.  If they’re going to make any progress, they have to start being honest with each other, and that right there was utter horseshit.  “You know what, this was a mistake,” Jensen snarls, making to walk away, but Jared can’t let him leave, not yet, so he quickly grabs his arm and pulls him back.     
  
  
Jensen stares at Jared’s hand on his arm for a long moment before he says very slowly, ‘Let go.’   
  
  
But Jared just shakes his head and says, “I can’t.”   
  
  
Jensen shakes his head then, and lets out a broken laugh that hurts Jared to hear.  ‘Fine, whatever. You win. Is this what you want?”  And before Jared can even begin to decipher what Jensen means by that, Jensen’s climbed into his lap and wrapped his arms around Jared’s neck.  Jared can’t help but shudder when Jensen leans in close and whispers, “I wonder if your wife knows you can’t get it up unless you’re thinking about _men._ ” Jared’s eyes narrow, but Jensen just smiles and says, “I wonder what your mother would think if she saw us right now.  Would you still be the golden boy if she saw you sitting here with a man in your lap?”   
  
That one hits a little too close to home, and Jared’s hands curl into fists as he grits out, “Stop trying to piss me off.”    
  
  
  
“Why?” Jensen asks, a false innocent colouring his words. “I don’t see any cabinets around.” He runs his hand down Jared’s chest and Jared can’t help the desire that floods his veins at the touch. “What are you gonna do this time?”   
  
  
And Jared’s just about had enough of this, so he lets his lips curve into a cruel smirk as he says, “If you want to play, that’s fine, but, _sweetheart_ , you’ll lose every time.” Jared proves his point by reaching round and grabbing Jensen by the ass.  Jensen chokes out a shocked gasp and squirms a little in his lap like he wants to get away, but Jared doesn’t let him.  Instead, he just leans in and says, “You can’t fool me with this shit, I know you better than you know yourself.  So do you wanna talk or should I just rent a motel room and we can get it over and done with?”    
  
  
This time when Jensen shoves at him, Jared lets him go, grinning darkly as Jensen scrambles off his lap. “Trust me, Jared, when I say that’s _definitely_ never going to happen,” Jensen says, but his voice shakes as he says it, and Jared knows he was just as affected as he was by their closeness   
  
  
“Hmm,” he muses, stretching his arms along the back of the bench, “trust always was one of our issues, wasn’t it?”    
  
  
“No, Jared. It was always _yours._ ”   
  
  
Really?  Does Jensen have to turn _everything_ he says around on him?  Whatever, that wasn’t what he came here to talk about anyway.  Thinking back to the advice he’d just been given, Jared takes a deep breath and says, “You want honesty, Jen?  Well, here it is.  When I took that job, I started to lose who I was.” That seems to get Jensen’s attention and he hesitantly takes his seat back on the bench. “Each day I’d have to listen to my friends comment on how unnatural our relationship was, how we weren’t _real_ men.  And it killed me to hear it.    
  
  
“I just wanted to make something of myself.  Make my mother proud of me.”   
  
  
“Yeah, your mother’s one _splendid_ lady,” Jensen bites out, sarcasm dripping from his every word, but Jared can’t blame him - he knows how little love there is lost between them.   
  
  
“You know, out of all this, Steve actually dished out the worst punishment.  Coming in and taking all your things like that.” He shakes his head, trying not to remember how it felt walking into his apartment to find all Jensen’s things gone.  “It was like you never even existed.  Like _we_ never existed, and I…’ he trails off when he feels tears prick at his eyes, and coughs to cover them up.  This isn't what he meant to talk about either.     
  
  
He takes a deep breath before continuing, “I just need you to understand something.  There are so many things I can’t explain, but some of it…some of was just because you were so damn perfect.  I knew I couldn’t compete with that so I tried to make myself better, working longer hours, making more money, but somewhere along the line, I lost sight of that and…and I'm sorry.”  He turns to Jensen then and sees him watching him with wide eyes.  “I never meant to hurt you, Jen.”   
  
  
Jensen doesn’t say anything for a long time, just stares at Jared like he can’t believe his ears.  When he does speak again, his voice is soft, his words carefully chosen, “No one’s perfect, Jared. I have flaws, everyone does, and yours were what I loved about you." Jensen smiles sadly as he adds, “They made you real.”   
  
  
Despite himself, despite preparing himself for this to go south, Jared’s heart squeezes painfully at the past tense of the word ‘love.’    
  
  
“I get that this didn’t just happen overnight, Jared, and maybe I should’ve caught on sooner, but why didn’t you just come to me?  Don’t you think I had doubts too?”  Jensen asks, a hint of desperation colouring his voice now. “You made your own choices, and you have to stop blaming everyone else for those choices.  If you’d talked to me, or Chad, hell, even Chris would’ve listened, then maybe we could’ve helped and we wouldn’t have ended up here.”   
  
  
Then mention of Chris unhinges something inside, something dark he wishes didn’t exist.   “Yeah, I’m sure the wonderful Kane would just have just jumped at the chance to help me out.”   The words are spiteful and mostly uncalled for, but Chris has always been a sore spot for him.     
  
  
“Don’t turn this around and try to make this Chris’ fault,” Jensen snaps and that just infuriated Hared even more.  Why are they even talking about Chris?  Can’t Jensen go five goddamn minutes without bringing up his fucking _soulmate_.   
  
  
“Of course, you’d stick up for him. You’re practically fucking anyway,” he spits out.   
  
  
“You don’t know a damn thing about our relation-”    
  
  
“AND THAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM, ISN’T IT?!” Jared yells, unable to keep his temper any longer.  This argument has been a long time coming, and Jared almost relishes the anger that wells up inside him.  Time to get some goddamn answers.   
  
  
“What?” Jensen says, his voice clipped and dangerous.   
  
  
“You and Kane have this…this _thing_ that no one can fucking understand and it drives me insane!” He slides closer to Jensen on the bench, until they’re barely a metre apart.  “You give him everything.  Why couldn’t you give me that?”   
  
  
Jensen turns away from him then and shakes his head.  “I can’t believe you actually think any of this is Chris’ fault?  _My_ fault.  I did give you everything, Jared, it’s not my fault it wasn’t enough for you.”   
  
  
Jared deflates at those words, because that just isn’t true and he hadn’t meant it like that.  ‘No, it’s…it’s not that, I just don’t understand why you always ran to him.  You always turned to him before me and I don’t know why.”   
  
  
“Because I love him.”   
  
  
Jared flinches at that, completely wrong footed by that answer even if he’s suspected as much all these years.  But before he can say anything, Jensen continues, “Not like that.  Not like I loved you.  But he’s my best friend and I do love him, and he’s always been there for me.”  Jensen takes a deep breath and when he turns back to Jared, there’s sadness in his eyes instead of anger.  “I don’t know if it was the way your mother raised you, or your brother leaving but I’m not sure you even know how to love someone.”     
  
  
“What?” he asks, feeling hurt and confused all at once, because Jensen has to know that Jared loved him.  He has to know that.  “I loved-” he starts but Jensen just holds up a hand to cut him off.    
  
  
“I believed that once, a long time ago, but I’m not so sure anymore.”  Jared feels like his heart is breaking all over again, and he has to bite his cheek to keep from begging Jensen to take it back.     
  
  
“That’s not fair,” he manages to choke out after a few moments.  “We wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t loved you so damn much.”   
  
  
“No!” Jensen snaps. “We ended up here because you couldn’t let go, and I was too stupid to walk away.  Love didn’t have _anything_ to do with how we ended up here.”   
  
  
And then Jensen’s standing up and walking away.  “Like I said, this was a mistake.  It’s over, Jared…don’t call me again.”     
  
  
But even before his footsteps fade into the distance, Jared knows this isn’t over, not by a long shot.  It’s just a matter of who cracks first.     
  
****


	11. Chapter 11

Okay, so I'm just leaving this message here because I've had some queries about the changes I've been making to this story. I've decided to beta it like I'd beta one of my own stories, which means changing any OOC behaviour I think I see as well as trying to make the writing flow as smoothly and succinctly as possible, so that's why some of the chapters might look a little different from here on out. 

 

I also know how aquariuskitty19 wanted this story to end - I won't spoil it now, but we did talk about it and I'd quite like to take it where she wanted it to go - so I'm also making these changes with that in mind. 

 

Which is why I've asked somersault-j to post the original story as well, with none of my changes, so you can read that one if you so choose. 

 

And just so there's no confusion, I spoke to aquariuskitty today to just double check - for about the fiftieth time - she was okay with that, and she sent me this message. 

 

'That is completely fine. Do what feels right for you. I never really thought about how hard it must be to continue writing a story another started and maybe it would be easier if you made it your own with these changes etc. So yeah I'm one 100% for   
re-vamping it. 

Thank you for asking and like I said above it is completely fine with me. 

It's your story now.'

 

So I hope that clears up everything for you guys. Any questions, feel free to drop me a line. 

 

xx


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